16/09/07

 

I am trying to think positive, but at the moment I can’t, without being too blunt I am just hurting so much.

If I don’t think about it and carry on with life, and don’t pause, I am ok, but because I have to talk about things and address them nearly every week I am thinking more about it.

I had a great day with Kate yesterday, silly little sod, got me to go on a sunbed for 8 mins, and I burnt, now my ass is red and sore, lol, but we walked to her friends in town and really enjoyed the day, she is a great person, but she is sad to, I wish there was a magic wand to take away everything that is bad in the world.

Kate is now moving again; to go live with an older lady who needs some help so am sure things will be very different for her for a while.

After being out all day, we went to kate’s mums, who had to feed me, yes I was hungry it was 3pm and I hadn’t had anything all day, so I ate a bit, but I then had to go to my own mums and eat again at 7, and my mum had made a starter and a roast dinner.

I explained that I had already eaten something, and couldn’t have the starter, and I got to put my own dinner out so I mostly had veg and then gave my spud to Paul later, but I still feel so awful, I hate the thought that food got the better of me yesterday, and that I ate, and I wasn’t sick, I so want to just I don’t know disappear, I feel so huge even though I know in some sense I am not, I am a size 14 and I do look in the mirror and think I am ok, but in my mind all I see is that girl I used to be that size 30 and I feel immensely tired of everything.

Facing your fear isn’t good, I wish I didn’t have to eat at all, and I wish this deep pain inside really would go away.

I am tired and I am fed up of feeling like this.

I want to be happy but I can’t be. I don’t deserve it.

I am sorry for this rant, Hannah you are so wise and I wish I could explain more about why I feel so bad, I just feel fat, and that is trying to control everything I think about.

I even had a nightmare about the hospital wanting to keep me in last night, and not letting me out….

My whole waking and sleeping side of life are haunted.
By this thing I hate.

Im going to look for somewhere to stay now in Manchester, and I don’t want to, I don’t want to go, because that means I have to fight and there isn’t much in me at the moment…

Take care all and speak soon.

Dawn xx

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