Feeling a little lost :(

There is a lot going on at my home at the moment, we’ve had two weeks of building work and so many other little things that have been bounced about over the last month. I can’t really catch you all up on things to be fair.

But today, I saw something that made me feel really sad. When someone touches your life in a very amazing, supportive way, and then all of a sudden they’re gone. Taken from this life we live, far far too soon.

What we live with, with mental disorders and eating problems of all aspects, nothing can hurt more than seeing someone so bright.. vanish.

I’ve witnessed this morning a lot of friends over this so so upset, and today. I am not sure how I feel, sad of course. To tears, yes. How do you grieve for a friend you never really met, but meant so much to you on such a personal level that not many can understand.

So this I guess is a heartfelt and sorrowful post. Hug those you love, share with those you can’t hug, the love and friendship you have with them. Support each other, talk and laugh. Life is so tough sometimes, and not everyone of us knows when that might end.

x x

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Struggle

Been a horrendous week… hoping for a better one soon. Will post about it when I get chance. I’ve just been so snowed under and fed up 😦 

Stress and ED

So this last couple of weeks have been the utmost stressful. ( I am staying positive) honest…. 🙂

I wanted to reflect this morning while I had time on that. So here I go. Apologies to anyone stressing out at the moment. But these thoughts are sort of sticking out at the moment. And need to be ‘gotten rid of’ I can process my ED brain much easier with writing, than I can inside my own head.

So verbal splurge here I come. It may not even make sense to anyone, but me. But that is how it is. 🙂

I do have a good few friends who I am proud to say are also in recovery alongside me. And I have those who still struggle. Sometimes it is hard to read what they’re going through but they supported me through bad times and I will always be there for them through theirs.

In chatting to someone this morning about ED I did realise that these last few weeks have also heard my ED voices shouting louder.

Recovery is a great thing, I love life and want to do everything and anything. I want to be free of the pain and suffering an Eating Disorder can bring.

It is very tough though. Glad to say I am a fighter.

I’ve done very well since Christmas in getting my blood pressure and weight back under some control. But in being asked to lose weight freaks me out. Ed screams at me to return to him and then it becomes a constant battle to fight him off.

This last two weeks I’ve had so much on my plate that I’ve not had chance to really think about how it has tried to sneak back in.

Funny though, that stress leads to an ED sufferer wanting to start to regain control through the one thing they know will ultimately crash their entire world again.

With everything going on in my life at the moment. I do however have plenty of positive things. It isn’t all stressful. And I think, that the positive side of my life out balances ED’s tremendous effort to grab a hold again. I am very grateful for that.

I am throwing out old diaries and posting everything to here that is relevant.

Here is an old poem. Written in 2010.

I can’t imagine a life without you,

you rule my head, filling me with dread.

I can’t imagine why you hurt me so,

the inner pain won’t ever go.

I’ve fought you long, I’ve fought you hard,

you’re like over burnt toast, black and charred.

My head hurts, my heart aches,

the tiniest crack and your back to attack.

The pain I cause myself so bad, all I feed is sad.

to want this year to end,

to blend with all others,

to start afresh, not be hiding in this terrible flesh.

Apt for how I’m feeling right now. Although it is a new year. And so far many plus and minuses… 🙂

Outlook is positive though, keeping on keeping on.

Stay safe all…. and feel free to ignore these ramblings.