Healthy-Happier me!

 

For some that follow my blog, trigger warning needed so please don’t read – weight mentions. But, I am in happy place, not an ED related place.

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It was great to go out yesterday and was positive in its results. So for some things to move forward I am keeping my fingers crossed.

What was really interesting was I bumped into a customer of mine from a few years ago, and although she thought she recognised me, it wasn’t till I spoke about my job that she went. ‘I thought that was you’ and then added ‘Haven’t you lost weight’

Totally one of the best things you can here when you’ve had some tough times over the holidays.

So yeah, in 2015 I reached my target of 83kg. I kept it off for almost 12 months, but sadly last year was really difficult and I rose back to 91kg.

So yes, I do have a new goal to reach (75kg)  it will take me back to where I am comfortable, not what I left Cheadle Royal at, which was over my usual weight. So I’m taking it easy, back on Lipotrim, with the support of my family and friends. and taking it one day at a time. 🙂

I am on day 7 already and feeling so much better. The initial detox (especially after all the booze in the hols) was hard, I had a headache all week, but it’s gone now, and today I feel amazing.

For everyone who has a goal this year, be it a new year’s resolution or just something you want to do. I wish you all the luck in the world. I will update as and when I can, and fingers crossed my new goal isn’t too far off… hehe

~ Dawn

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Stress and ED

So this last couple of weeks have been the utmost stressful. ( I am staying positive) honest…. 🙂

I wanted to reflect this morning while I had time on that. So here I go. Apologies to anyone stressing out at the moment. But these thoughts are sort of sticking out at the moment. And need to be ‘gotten rid of’ I can process my ED brain much easier with writing, than I can inside my own head.

So verbal splurge here I come. It may not even make sense to anyone, but me. But that is how it is. 🙂

I do have a good few friends who I am proud to say are also in recovery alongside me. And I have those who still struggle. Sometimes it is hard to read what they’re going through but they supported me through bad times and I will always be there for them through theirs.

In chatting to someone this morning about ED I did realise that these last few weeks have also heard my ED voices shouting louder.

Recovery is a great thing, I love life and want to do everything and anything. I want to be free of the pain and suffering an Eating Disorder can bring.

It is very tough though. Glad to say I am a fighter.

I’ve done very well since Christmas in getting my blood pressure and weight back under some control. But in being asked to lose weight freaks me out. Ed screams at me to return to him and then it becomes a constant battle to fight him off.

This last two weeks I’ve had so much on my plate that I’ve not had chance to really think about how it has tried to sneak back in.

Funny though, that stress leads to an ED sufferer wanting to start to regain control through the one thing they know will ultimately crash their entire world again.

With everything going on in my life at the moment. I do however have plenty of positive things. It isn’t all stressful. And I think, that the positive side of my life out balances ED’s tremendous effort to grab a hold again. I am very grateful for that.

I am throwing out old diaries and posting everything to here that is relevant.

Here is an old poem. Written in 2010.

I can’t imagine a life without you,

you rule my head, filling me with dread.

I can’t imagine why you hurt me so,

the inner pain won’t ever go.

I’ve fought you long, I’ve fought you hard,

you’re like over burnt toast, black and charred.

My head hurts, my heart aches,

the tiniest crack and your back to attack.

The pain I cause myself so bad, all I feed is sad.

to want this year to end,

to blend with all others,

to start afresh, not be hiding in this terrible flesh.

Apt for how I’m feeling right now. Although it is a new year. And so far many plus and minuses… 🙂

Outlook is positive though, keeping on keeping on.

Stay safe all…. and feel free to ignore these ramblings.