30/06/2005

Hi,

I wanted to write you this as you took the time to reply to my last post.

I don’t really understand where it came from all those feelings, but I have realised that I really do need to get some outside help even if it is just to talk over everything properly and get it all off my chest. It may have been a post that upsets some, and I know I can’t hid from everything in my past I must face it, not lock it away, otherwise it will just resurface again, and I dont want that.

Any ed illness comes with a lot of baggage, emotional and pysical, some nice and then not nice.

I think that with certain material like this maybe the warning of trigger or something like that is a good idea then those more sensitive can stay away from it. Maybe you can come up with a better warning message, for certain things. I don’t know, I was going to delete it this morning when I got up feeling that no one would have had chance to read it yet, but having seen a couple of the messages back to me, feel maybe it does serve something being there, and will leave it.

I have been to see my mum today and we had a little chat about a few things, some to do with my depression and others to do with my brother, I know she’ll only tell him what I said and maybe now he’s back off his honeymoon I will get a phone call. I don’t feel I have anything to say to him, its Paul he upset really I just got in the way.

Anyway I do feel a little better now, thank you for all of your advice, and I know I will pull through this.

Take care and hope to speak to you soon. Love and hugs Dawn

Bad post

Hi guys

I shouldn’t post this, but maybe it will help get things off my chest, things running round my head.

I can’t sleep at the moment and that isn’t like me.

I have bee to the doctors today, and yeah that was a good step, but it also stirred up some memories for me, things I would rather just leave in the past.

In 2000 a lot was going on for me you see, I had become friends with a guy in work, and as I was having real problems with my eating, he helped as he was there to talk to. I thought I was doing really well, I took myself off the anti depressants and Paul and I were supposed to go away on holiday to Ireland with his snooker pal Ron, but I got promoted into the office at work and the conditions was if I cancelled my holiday, which I did, but Paul still went, he was going to take my dad with him

My so called friend then declared he was in love with me, and was ok with me being married said he was happy as friends, I wanted to stop seeing him but he kept on  texting me..

Then two weeks before he was supposed to go, I came off my bike in work, and was then off with my knee injury, and when Paul went away I was then on my own, and I really couldn’t cope with that, I though I could but when it happened I couldn’t.

It was ok for the first two days there were other people in the site I could see and even my friend came up to see me, we had a talk and watched a few films, I really cant remember a lot of what was going on in my head that week, but it wasn’t good. On the Friday my friend came again, it was a bank hol and the weather was really bad, he had to get a bus home and cause it was a mile walk to the bus stop when he went I felt really bad he would get soaked, an hour and a half went by and he came back. Soaked saying the bus never came.

I don’t know whether to believe it or not now, but I let him in as it was late and agreed he could stay.  When Paul rang I told him and as you could imagine he wasn’t happy. That really upset me I felt like he couldn’t trust me, but it wasn’t me he could trust it was this strange man in his house.

Well nothing happened before you think that, I could never have done anything like that to hurt my husband. The only thing that did happen was a big black cloud came over me.

I remember going to the toilet and getting a knife, then going back to bed and cutting my wrist. It didn’t hurt, that was the only thing that scared me, not the thought of dying but the fact it felt good.

I lay there for ages and watched the sheets turn red, then thought of Paul and how selfish I was being, I then went into the living room and asked my friend to call an ambulance.

They asked loads of questions and wanted to keep me in over night, but I just wanted to go home, so asked if I could ring my mum and did so, It was 5 in the morning, she came and got me, and took us both to her house. Then took my friend home and me home.  I rang Paul up he was on the ferry home and was devastated. He took a week off work to be with me, and we talked loads of how I was feeling, but was so scared of being on my own again for the fear of what I would do I admitted myself to hospital.

I didn’t think I felt this bad but I do again. I have that fear of life, and where I am going. I feel I hate myself so much, even though I would never do that again. I am not that far from those bad thoughts, I just wish I could feel better.

I am really sorry for this, delete it if you think its too much.

sorry again I feel like such a big fool.

upsetting everyone.

take care love and hugs Dawn.