24/08/04

19:30

 

I have two dreams

 

and one cant happen without the other,

 

I know I write and would love to be published and when I am comes the second dream

 

I want a retreat for us all a nice place where we can all meet and chill out, relax and talk hug each other and make real true frineds for ever,

my two dreams become one,

 

I know I have a list as long as my arm of anyone wanting to come,

 

please tell me so I do know you all want to see me for real , meet me in the flesh,

 

anyone who doesnt can reply too,

 

he he this gonna be great I know it all of us together and I know I will do it, next ten years you will all be with me, in my luxurious home with swimming pool and gardens massage therapist and all, anything you want,

post any ideas you have too I would welcome them all,

 

Love ya all loads and know this would be ace,

 

Dawn

xxxxxxx

21/08/04

09:08

 

Here I am thinking about truth, mmmmm

 

not good,

 

really not good,

 

ed you fight back with such streangth and I hate it, just as the scales go up a touch you knock me down like a steam train,

 

you are the biggest steam train I have ever known the size of the planet I think,

 

you are one bad evil monster,

 

and as much as i hate you i know i am the one each time getting back up on my feet and hitting you back saying  dont care for you no more,

 

but the thing is you are very goos at persuading and really good at looking all safe and comforting,

 

been a bad week and you know it, sitting there behind me wanting me to fail teasing me at every down fall, but you know something bad weeks are good too, as it makes me see the real good ones,

 

I have something to share with you ed, something my mum gave me, something I love,

 

for My daughter

 

I remember looking at you as a child, wondering what your future would hold, I wanted to shelter you from unhappiness and surround you only with wonderful things.

I realise now that I could never have done this.

For in order to appreciate happiness, you had to experience disappointment,

to enjoy success you had to have some failures,

to feel true love someone had to break your heart.

I couldnt protect you but I want you to know I was with you every step of the way.

When I look at you now and see the woman that has emerged from within

I couldnt be more proud.

 

It was a giftone of those little fridge magnet things and you know what ed, she is right in every way, and with your help I am becoming the person I want to be, and in fighting you off, I am becoming stronger,

 

boy your in for a tough time mate, hehehe

 

umm thats my vent for the day thanks for listening

 

Love and hugs

Dawn

xxxxxxx

19/08/04

10:22

I AM SO ANNOYED WITH MYSELF,

 

ED YESTERDAY FOUGHT BACK WITH AVENGENCE,

 

 I couldnt bring myself to eat anything, and if my mum hadnt virtually force fed me, then I dont think I would have, and hubby also did his best when he got home to make me eat, but I tied just ed, was winning,

 

I ate a little but am so tired this morning, tired of feeling like giving in and going back to my old ways, surley was better to eat and be sick than to struggle with eating at all,

 

I feel like I am failing going worse, I dont way sympathy or support I just want it to f**** leave me alone.

 

I HATE HIM HATE WHAT  HE DOES TO ALL OF US HERE, NOT JUST ME,

 

I wont say I am sorry I just want to say I hate him and wish he would go away for good.

 

Love you all loads and loads,

 

Dawn

18/08/04

Hi everyone

Sad day for me today,

Nans results were bad, the doctor said she does have a form of cancer and she needs to go into have a biopsy and removal of it on the 7th september, we dont know yet how bad the cancer is as we have to wait for the results of the biopsy when that is done, it is a relief to know, but am real sad now, at the thought I actually may lose my nan sometime soon, we did have a good laugh at some things today, like her will she reckoned we’d get our money sooner and at hopefully I will still be able to live in her house this year as it wouldnt sell that quick, but inside I my stomach is churning at everything, I know I would always have somewhere to go but I dont ever want to live with my mum and I know nan will have left me some money in her will, but I am so scared of the future is that wrong?

 

My mum made us some dinner today and I did not want it, was just a little chiken salad, but I felt so sick I had to force it down and I know I cant face tea tonight,

 

I had such a good night last night at the pictures I felt so normal, Paul and I went to a chinese restaurant that turend out to be an all you can eat bufett thingy, I managed a starter and a main course, although small plates but i had some pudding to, I didnt feel bad it felt great and I robot was amazing,

 

I am just so sad, I dont know what else to say,

 

Hope you are all ok,

Love and hugs to you all always

Dawn

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

16/08/04

16/08/200418:38

Went ok, he was nice, (wasnt my normal doc) so I just told him what the other one had said that I could have some more time off if need be and to increase my dosage to try and improve things a little more,

I was still very nervous and my hubby came in with me and held my hand, (Plus you were all with me in spirit too)

 

Most stupidly I went into work to hand my sick note in and my boss quizzed me because it said on my sick not I was off for stress related illness, I then had to tell him I hadnt been eating for about three months and was about to keel over on the floor, (I know there is a lot of other problems underneath as well) but I didnt want to tell him everything, or about the stuff with my nan so I just told him I was back on anti depresants and had been refered back to the hospital then I kind of left quickly as he didnt look too happy.

 

Oh well is not my fault I have to sort me out, there are others in the factory that have loads of time off not just me, so tough.

 

Anyway, I mowed the lawn today, and helped hubby weed the garden, I am taking my neighbours kitten to the vets later and then Paul and I are going out to the pictures to see I robot, with will smith, then having some tea,

Be nice to spoil us for a change.

 

Thankyou so much for all you kind replie and I will speak to you soon

 

Love you alll

Dawn