Feb 24 2013

Weekend :(

 

Yeah, this weekend sucked just as much as the whole of last week did and the ones before it… all of them.

In fact all of 2013 altogether sucks.

I got up at 7am yesterday worked through all the paperwork ready for this ‘4 hour phone call’ from the bank.

I sat and waited.

And waited.

It never came.

I ended up ringing the bank up to try and track who was supposed to ring me. Seeing as our branch was closed I spoke to a gentleman on the phone and he couldn’t work out anything either. So I ran down to our bank and it was indeed closed.

All the time, I’m getting more and more frustrated with them.

Get’s back home and I rang the southport branch. I spoke to a lovely lady who tried her utmost to help me out. She got in touch with the mortgage advise team who couldn’t find this ‘supposed appointment’ and then when we started to go through the paperwork they wanted to deal with my mum and only my mum.

The whole idea behind going into the bank to start the ball rolling was so that the person who rang me would speak to me. As my mum had just finished 4 12 hour shifts and couldn’t foucs to talk to anyone.

So, I’m even more frustrated then, because the guy on the phone then can’t deal with the application as all the other opperatives and appointments were taken for the day. We would have to make another appointment where mum could deal with it all. And it wouldn’t be for another two weeks.

Now I’m getting beyond frustrated I am very angry now. And I tell him this isn’t on. We’ll have waited a whole month to start this. No way. So I basically said we’d talk about it and decide later. I said good bye.

The lovely lady from Southport rang me back in the afternoon to ask how it had gone. 🙂 I told her how dissapointed I was with the whole company and she promised she would try and get me an appointment to speak with their branch mortgage advisor this week. We’ll see she is going to ring me back tomorrow.

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In other news, the baby koi are coming around really well. But the big fish didn’t look so hot so in feeding them today. My best fish wouldn’t eat. Defo not like her.

Microscope out. Couldn’t get a scrape from the top of the fish, in turning it over noticed some raised scales and took a scrape from there.

Costia….

Again…..

Trying my best now to get the pond temp up so that I can treat them with meds. Not going to happen till Tues I don’t think.  Then might have to hit them again over the weekend. We’ll see how they deal with the pp this time around I know the sorogori didn’t like it so might have to isolate her and treat the others.

Will also have to keep an eye on the sanke and his raised scales. PP and then couple of salt baths will help there I think. There was no major redness but they were defo sticking out a bit. It will only get worse if left alone. And don’t want that.

I have been beaten down so much this last few weeks. I’m going to crack.

I have heartburn and acid indigestion all the time. I’m stressed to the hilt and it’s taking it’s toll on everything.

I told Paul last week that I was going to see the doctor about it. I am going to have to see the doctor about this overwhelming spit of depression that has lasted for 6 mths or more and isn’t lifting either.  I am going to request going back on anti-depressants for the time being.

I already asked in work could I possibly take a little time off to deal with the mortgage issue and appointments. Mum is off work Thurs and Fri so I am going to aim to get as much in then as possible. Including the docs.

This is a really testing time for me. I’ve not allowed myself too much time to process everything. And I’m on the brink of it really turning nasty.

I don’t want it too…

So, I’m making the steps so tackle it. Before it goes all pear shaped.

I won’t be beaten and I’ll bounce back. But I think I need a little help at the moment. I’m not afraid to ask, so I will.

Trying to edit at the moment is also like hitting my head against a brick wall. I know I am feeling bad when I lose the will to write or edit something that I love.

I was hoping this year was going to be a good one. It certainly hasn’t started off so great. sigh….

Catch you soon.

Dawn x x

Feb 23 2013

Stress and ED

So this last couple of weeks have been the utmost stressful. ( I am staying positive) honest…. 🙂

I wanted to reflect this morning while I had time on that. So here I go. Apologies to anyone stressing out at the moment. But these thoughts are sort of sticking out at the moment. And need to be ‘gotten rid of’ I can process my ED brain much easier with writing, than I can inside my own head.

So verbal splurge here I come. It may not even make sense to anyone, but me. But that is how it is. 🙂

I do have a good few friends who I am proud to say are also in recovery alongside me. And I have those who still struggle. Sometimes it is hard to read what they’re going through but they supported me through bad times and I will always be there for them through theirs.

In chatting to someone this morning about ED I did realise that these last few weeks have also heard my ED voices shouting louder.

Recovery is a great thing, I love life and want to do everything and anything. I want to be free of the pain and suffering an Eating Disorder can bring.

It is very tough though. Glad to say I am a fighter.

I’ve done very well since Christmas in getting my blood pressure and weight back under some control. But in being asked to lose weight freaks me out. Ed screams at me to return to him and then it becomes a constant battle to fight him off.

This last two weeks I’ve had so much on my plate that I’ve not had chance to really think about how it has tried to sneak back in.

Funny though, that stress leads to an ED sufferer wanting to start to regain control through the one thing they know will ultimately crash their entire world again.

With everything going on in my life at the moment. I do however have plenty of positive things. It isn’t all stressful. And I think, that the positive side of my life out balances ED’s tremendous effort to grab a hold again. I am very grateful for that.

I am throwing out old diaries and posting everything to here that is relevant.

Here is an old poem. Written in 2010.

I can’t imagine a life without you,

you rule my head, filling me with dread.

I can’t imagine why you hurt me so,

the inner pain won’t ever go.

I’ve fought you long, I’ve fought you hard,

you’re like over burnt toast, black and charred.

My head hurts, my heart aches,

the tiniest crack and your back to attack.

The pain I cause myself so bad, all I feed is sad.

to want this year to end,

to blend with all others,

to start afresh, not be hiding in this terrible flesh.

Apt for how I’m feeling right now. Although it is a new year. And so far many plus and minuses… 🙂

Outlook is positive though, keeping on keeping on.

Stay safe all…. and feel free to ignore these ramblings.

Feb 21 2013

Disaster again!!!

I hate heaters. Am never buying another second hand one ever. 😦 £300 in two years and they’re both done in….

Got a phone call of the other half today, the baby tank heater has malfunctioned. Raising the temperature from 12d to 29d… crap. 

Babies all sulking on the bottom. 

He turned the heater off opened up all the flaps. Babies are now swimming about. Temp down to 28d but going the steam off it is unreal.  

I am gutted. Going to have to pull it all off at the weekend and see why it’s gone kaput. 

Could be blanket weed all wrapped around the inside. Don’t know. 

At least they didn’t cook. Although pinked up and a little stressed. I am hoping they’ll recover quickly. 

Adding in some salt to help ease the stress. Last parasite check only a a few weeks ago so fingers all crossed. 

 Still not happy it is the second year running. Last year heater packed in and temp dropped from 20 to 10 in one night. 

Seneye isn’t plugged in due to no funds for the slides at present.  another sucky reason or I would have known something was wrong.

 

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This has really been a rough week. With our producer for Best Friends being let down. My co-writer and I had to do a pretty quick re-write. Good job even though the time difference sucks my friend and I work well together. 

The car wouldn’t start on Monday leading to a mad rush. Battery had gone done. £50 for a new one. 

 

And my poor coach/editor E.J had a small accident and hurt her arm. 

 

Jeeze, this week has been a real nightmare. Hope tomorrow brings something nice for us all. 

 

Hopefully we can pull the baby tank apart and see if there is indeed something blocking the heater. Least I can get rid of some blanket weed and clean the tunnel. 

 

Fingers crossed tormorrow is easier than the rest of this week has been. Think we might as well eat out tonight 🙂 

 

Catch you soon. 

 

Dawn 

Feb 18 2013

Nominated for the Libester award :)

Hi everyone.

I was nominated for this award on the 12th of Feb I just have been so snowed under and hadn’t the brain to compute an answer and post this back. But here it is 🙂

 

The Liebster Award is no exception!

Thanks to Catherine at   http://nowrittenwords.wordpress.com/  for the nomination. I really was so pleased.

The rules for the Liebster are to thank the person who nominated you, answer the 11 question they have asked you, nominate 11 other people and ask them 11 questions in return. According to the guidelines the Liebster award should be sent to bloggers with less than 200 followers so that new bloggers can see how awesome they are!

These are my questions and answers.

So, now for 11 questions for any nominees:

1. What’s your most significant childhood memory?

This is a tough one for me. As there are so many…

However, one of the strongest memories I have is not a good one. It was the day I first contemplated suicide at the age of 15. I’d been baby sitting for a local family. Where the ‘ladies’ going out frantically weighed themselves. A weekly ritual. I just remember one of them saying ‘they’d lost weight’ and how excited they were.

I looked down at my stubby fat fingers. And decided when they had gone out to weigh myself. I did.

As the scale spun around. Almost to the end. Something inside me flipped. I knew I was big but I hadn’t thought I was that big.

That night I cried and cried and cried. When I got home. I took a knife to my wrist.

I did not however want to die, nor did I hurt myself badly.

The next morning I went to my mum and asked to go to see the doctor. There started a two year journey which led to severe weight loss. (under supervision) then not under supervision. And eventually led to anorexia. I lost over 140lbs. Half my body weight.

The rest is history but you did ask. 🙂 I never said it would be short and sweet.

2. What is the one thing you want to do most before you die?

I want to see my TV series on the Sy Fy channel. One day…. soon I hope.

3. Do you have a favourite magazine?

I love reading anything about Koi. But my fav mag went into administration last year. 😦

4. What do you think is the best thing about having children?

Is there one? (don’t have any kids nor a desire to bring them into a world that is heading downhill fast)

5. What’s the worst thing about having children?

You can’t give them back to their real parents as they are yours…

6. What do you do in order to relax?

I sit with my koi. Outside in the garden by their pond.

7. Is there someone you really hate – and why?

Hate is a very harsh word. But, yes, there is someone I hate. ED (Eating Disorder) hate him with a vengeance.

8. If you could live anywhere else, where would this be?

Just anywhere with the man that I love. Paul.

9. Is there a particular job that you wish you could excel at?

I wish my concentration levels were stronger. Not really a job.

10. Are you a cat or dog person?

Cat.

11. How would you define love?

That fluttering in your heart when you see the person you care for the most. Morning, noon, or night, it feels like home.

And finally, my nominees are:

1. http://authormaeganprovan.wordpress.com/
2. http://harmony77uk.wordpress.com/2013/02/18/confidence/
3. http://thelifeofathinker.wordpress.com/
4. http://twdittmer.wordpress.com/
5. http://michelleproulx.wordpress.com/
6. http://firstnovelblog.wordpress.com/
7. http://meritaking.wordpress.com/
8. http://rainfalldeficittheory.wordpress.com/
9. http://petedenton.wordpress.com/
10. http://theofenraven.wordpress.com/
11. http://changeitupediting.wordpress.com/

And my 11 questions for them

1. There is always something that has really hurt you. I’ve shared one of my worst moments above. Can you share one of yours?

2. Share one of your greatest too.

3. Has someone influenced your life in a way you’ll never forget. Someone who isn’t family?

4. Where was your favourite home?

5. Do you prefer a specific genre in writing or watching films?

6. Have you ever had a koi pond?

7. What is your most prized possession?

8. Are you eco friendly?

9. Do you actively save for retirement?

10. Have you ever lived with anyone other than family?

11. What was the worst lie you ever told someone you loved?

Again sorry to Catherine that it took me so long to get too. I am in vast need of a holiday me thinks. Exhausted is not the word for me at the moment.

Happy blogging all.

Dawn