If I could turn back the clock to last night and do it over again I would have.
I made such a mess of everything, meaning myself.

I done something I don’t normally do and freaked out big time. I went to you tube and watched some bad videos, which are ok if you can handle them but I guess I just couldn’t.

I ended up self harming last night, not badly but the thing is I did it, and I had no idea that I was going to.

I think everything is just getting to me so much, I am going to have a break, I need one.

So please if you don’t see me around much I am sorry and I want you to know. Nex, neo, Martin Chris, and Stewart, that over the last few weeks you have helped me so much… and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I think I just need to get this fight sorted in my head, and try and move forward again.

This isn’t a blog to get any attention for what I did, but it’s to try and help me focus on the things I need to do.

I need to start eating more, and start to think about more positive things…

I need to kick my own ass and stop letting this illness rule my head.

Thank you everyone for being there. Your words of encouragement are amazing and I think about you a lot. Hope everyone is ok, and maybe I will get to speak soon, but for now, I can’t, and I am sorry for that…

Take care. Dawn xxxxx

I am trying to think positive, but at the moment I can’t, without being too blunt I am just hurting so much.

If I don’t think about it and carry on with life, and don’t pause, I am ok, but because I have to talk about things and address them nearly every week I am thinking more about it.

I had a great day with Kate yesterday, silly little sod, got me to go on a sunbed for 8 mins, and I burnt, now my ass is red and sore, lol, but we walked to her friends in town and really enjoyed the day, she is a great person, but she is sad to, I wish there was a magic wand to take away everything that is bad in the world.

Kate is now moving again; to go live with an older lady who needs some help so am sure things will be very different for her for a while.

After being out all day, we went to kate’s mums, who had to feed me, yes I was hungry it was 3pm and I hadn’t had anything all day, so I ate a bit, but I then had to go to my own mums and eat again at 7, and my mum had made a starter and a roast dinner.

I explained that I had already eaten something, and couldn’t have the starter, and I got to put my own dinner out so I mostly had veg and then gave my spud to Paul later, but I still feel so awful, I hate the thought that food got the better of me yesterday, and that I ate, and I wasn’t sick, I so want to just I don’t know disappear, I feel so huge even though I know in some sense I am not, I am a size 14 and I do look in the mirror and think I am ok, but in my mind all I see is that girl I used to be that size 30 and I feel immensely tired of everything.

Facing your fear isn’t good, I wish I didn’t have to eat at all, and I wish this deep pain inside really would go away.

I am tired and I am fed up of feeling like this.

I want to be happy but I can’t be. I don’t deserve it.

I am sorry for this rant, Hannah you are so wise and I wish I could explain more about why I feel so bad, I just feel fat, and that is trying to control everything I think about.

I even had a nightmare about the hospital wanting to keep me in last night, and not letting me out….

My whole waking and sleeping side of life are haunted.
By this thing I hate.

Im going to look for somewhere to stay now in Manchester, and I don’t want to, I don’t want to go, because that means I have to fight and there isn’t much in me at the moment…

Take care all and speak soon.

Dawn xx

Just wanted to say a big thank you to some of my friends, for being there when things are really bad, and for the lovely messages on my last blog.

I have had yet another strange day, but I am ok, I went to the docs this morning to get some more happy pills as they seem to be doing ok with me at the moment, so was going to keep with them, and I mentioned to the doctor that I seem to be bruising a bit, as have quite a lot at the moment, and he took the pills off me and sent me for an immediate blood test, apparently these pills and most of them can cause blood disorders.

So I went for the tests, and the nurse was really nice, but boy she hurt me, and I decided to pass out, lol, oh dear I felt so sick, all panicky and sweaty, and Yuk, needles don’t really bother me as I have two tattoos. But oh dear me, I felt bad…

Anyways now I have a nice bruise developing on my arm, so there you go, am glad it’s Friday and the week is over, I can start fresh again…

Take care everyone, and speak to you soon.

Dawn xx

Today hasn’t been a good day but, I have survived.

I went out last night to meet my friend Sian, which was really nice, although late as usual her company is a blessing and she is a wonderful friend…

I went to the hospital this morning to see my local psychiatrist, and although some things have improved others haven’t. I am not being sick three times a day, haven’t for a few weeks, and I am a little happier in mood, but I am really not eating as much, and even Sian said I still lost weight since the last time I saw her,

Really I don’t think I have, I feel so fat and ugly, I cant bare to see myself in the mirror, and any male attention, forget it, no chance, I am just not worth it…

The doc wants me to go into hospital and I already know this from Manchester already, but financially I can’t do it, I can’t take a week off work and then expect to stay out there and have money to spend when we don’t have it.

I just don’t know what to do, should I see my mum and ask her to give me it??? I just don’t know, I am sick I know I am but I really want help, and I can’t get it. Its sooooo pathetic….

This system that works here just doesn’t really work at all, and its sad….

I am sorry to moan about this to everyone, but I am feeling really bad today, my friend left and I feel all lost,

what can I do, just give up….

No I can’t…..

Love ya all.

Dawn xxxx

So this weekend hasn’t been too bad, I went out with a friend yesterday to get Monika a leaving prezzie, got her a huge picture frame, so she can make a collage of everyone, and I sorted out a load of pics for her to put in it, they we got her a nice butterfly frae for something more personal like a family picture, and a lovely clock to match.

I also bought a pink hat and some pink socks and a belt, now I am not normally a pink girl but this is for breast cancer awareness, so thought why not, then my friend called me a bitch as she said I suited the hat and she couldn’t wear them, Aww poor thing, I had loads of fun with her though, she is well organised when it comes to her weekly shop, bloody hell I wander round not knowing what to get, and she makes a list, wish I was like that..

Last night I felt quite bad, managed to eat a bit during the day but think I had lost my will to live by the time tea time had come, I spent a few hours trying to help a friend sort out his internet but then ended up knackered as couldn’t sort it. He had a so called expert set it up for talk talk for him and they never even bothered to load on the talk talk home disc, so nothing was set up, now I think I made a mistake somewhere as I then couldn’t access the emails, but with a phone call to talk talk it should be sorted, I am sure I just didn’t put the right password in or something..

Anyways, one of Paul’s old friends Ron docker turned up after his fishing trip last night, and he brought his own tea with him so he hung about for 2 hours, I managed to eat a bit of lasagne and some chips, while he was there but really didn’t want to…

Its a long story with Ron, basically he used to come round every week for his tea and to go out to play snooker with Paul, but we went on holiday a few years back and he ruined it so Paul and him fell out, he hasn’t really been round since then, and to be honest I don’t want him just getting back into the old habits, so hope it wont start again.. Paul knows how I feel though so I know he wouldn’t let him…

So last night was bad, I felt really low, and after watching a film and we went to bed I was awake most of the night, had a couple of bad dreams as well which didn’t help. So have since been in bed most of the day, which I know wont help tonight as will not sleep again, maybe I will have a drink to calm me down, and I don’t mean vodka, think I need a hot milk or something lol….

Anyways, today got some writing done, and hope to do a bit more before I sign off…

Hope everyone else is doing ok, I know I aint been round much but its been a bad few weeks…

Take care all… Love Dawn xx