So haven’t been around for a while, been taking a bit of a break, things have gotten on top of me big time.

Work is boring but am managing for now, felt ill today, light-headed, but I know its just as I aint eating enough, I don’t think I can carry on for much longer like this..

I am off on holiday next week, taking some time to be with Paul, and recharge my worn out batteries, only going to paington in Devon, but it will be a break from everything,

then I start with the specialist unit on the 29th, at 10am. Am really scared, but Paul is taking me, so I will just have to get on with it.

I have had so many offers of people to come with me, but I think I just have to do this on my own, it one of those things, maybe they just don’t think I will get the train and end up in the right place, or maybe they think I will walk round Manchester all day instead.

That’s not going to help me is it…?

No I will be going to the hospital, whether I like it or not…..

I need to get this sorted as if I don’t then I am going to end up being forced to, and put under medical supervision, and I don’t want that either.

I sound like a real nuttier don’t I, but I am not really, I just don’t want to eat anything, I can’t stand the thought of food, let alone the taste, everything is the same, and I really don’t want it.

I won’t survive without it though, god why couldn’t I just be an alcoholic or something, this is doing me head in….

Stewart, chris, Alex and Martin, I hope you are all well, have been thinking about you a lot even though I aint had much time to come see you. I hope you are all ok. And I hope to catch you soon…

Please take care all, love Dawn x

I’ve been ill for a couple of days, had to come home from work on Thursday, and I went to the doctors to, after waiting an hour to get to see one, my doc had an emergency and had to wait with a older man for an ambulance, I saw Dr Hudson. He is a lovely man, caring and always seems to ask the right questions. We decided to double my dosage on my meds, and even though he wanted me to go see someone at the hospital, I didn’t because id been there most of the morning, and couldn’t hang around anymore, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

I am very down at the moment, everything has got on top of me, after ringing Manchester hosp for the third time, a lovely woman rang us back and gave us the good news.

I have funding for 10 days at day care, which means I will have to travel to Manchester at least twice a week for 5 weeks, then they will reassess me, and I could get funding for more time.

It means nearly 3 hours a day on a train, and time off work, but even though I really want to get better, this voice in my head really is bent on self destruct.

I don’t want to go, but I do want to go. I want to be free of this forever, and they are the right people to help me, and I have to do my utmost best for them, and be honest even if it really hurts me, and I know it will do as I am hurting right now, and all I did was talk to my friend Sian openly on Monday night. It’s a crazy illness and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

But I will beat it.

Positive things going on at the moment, I wanted to leave on a brighter note. mums coming up today ( I call it baby sitting ) and am going shopping, I want to try and do something that’s normal, that will make me feel something, other than this cloud, so I am going to try.

Im unsure as to what the rest of the day will bring, Im still tired, I have a headache, but am trying to think about good things.

Am not sure if I can face work on Monday, but know if I don’t go, I will probably not be able to go on holiday, and I need that more than I need anything else. So I will go in.

I hope everyone else, is doing ok this morning, Im online most of the day so will be able to talk in-between doing things.

Love to all my friends and thanks for hanging in there with me, it’s a rough patch, but I know it will get better…

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Big rant coming, you really don’t have to read. This is just everything in my head. and its better out here than inside me xx

So Sat night didn’t quite go as planned, in fact it wasn’t worth it at all.

So my nan isn’t well, and when my mum came she was in such a state, I gave her the biggest vodka I could without it being too obvious,

She is so worried over my nan and she had a huge argument with her brother, I just don’t know what to say, I don’t know what is going to happen in the next few months, but I know it isn’t going to be nice, for anyone, and least of all for Gerry, why does he have to be such an arse. I am so annoyed at him but couldn’t say anything, I am just the grand daughter, who sees everything and has to keep quiet.

He told my mum that my Nan shouldn’t have had the operation five years ago, when in the first place it was him who persuaded her…. FFS I want to scream he is an ignorant money grabbing B*****d and he doesn’t belong in our family.

My mum is so upset with everything it kind of spoilt sat night, but amazing enough for the first time, that actually stayed at our house, had a drink and watched a film (even though she fell asleep bless) I was shocked, but very happy they stopped the night. Something I don’t know why they just haven’t done before.

Sunday I went to visit my nan and yes she is very depressed and in a lot of pain, and she wants to die, there is no way else to say it, and I feel so sorry for her, I wish it was over, and she was free, but she isn’t, and we have to deal with it as best we can but the thing is I aint dealing with anything at the moment, and as Sian my friend found out last night, everything is going downhill rapidly.

I was upset about the whole weekend, couldn’t eat hardly anything yesterday and then had a load of wine, I spilled my guts to her something I never normally do, and something she hasn’t seen before, and I felt so bad, I felt so guilty for doing it.

I don’t know what I want at the moment, I am happy with my weight going down all the time, and I am happy not eating, but I am not happy with it….

This constant battle in my head to do anything that involves people and work and feeling is just doing me in, I want to get away from everything and I can’t. I want to hide, and I can’t.

I have to face it.

The hospital hasn’t rang me yet, but they were all deciding my future without even me being there, why they can do that. Why do they have that power, even I can’t decide what I want, why should they be able to?

I have everyone shouting at me at the moment for the weight loss, I feel so weak and everything is just futile, I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t.

I want to feel happy and I want to be free, but I am so scared, I am scared that if I begin to eat again, that I will pile the weight on, and I know this will happen and I can’t let it.

This voice in my head is just being so stupid, and I want to let it all go and be normal, but I cant,

this is annoying me so so so so much, and I wish it didn’t.

It cannot go on like this, and I can’t let it.

I am going to end up in an early grave, and I don’t want that, I don’t want to starve myself into nothing, but I can’t see a way around it.

Everything is out of control… please let me be.

Dawn xx

This week I have barely had the motivation to do anything, so haven’t been on here much, apart from to see what everyone else has been doing, so I thought I would just give a quick update.

I have been quite low in mood all week, but it has picked up from the week before. So that’s something positive, I am not looking forward to this week, as I will here from the hospital and I know then that I will have to do what they are asking, and my ed inside my head is saying not to and to deny everything that I am at the moment craving.

I still haven’t really looked at my script and the report back from New York. I should be excited and revved up to keep on moving forward, but I am not excited at all, and so I know something is really wrong. I know I am not the real me at the moment.

My Nan is not so good to, my mums Nan, the kind lady who puts us up every year for 8 weeks and doesn’t ask of anything, but a cooked meal at night, and some cleaning. (Lol) I love her to bits, but can see how she is deteriorating each week, she wants someone there all the time really and unless My mum and her brother can come up with something, I am afraid she will lose the house and end up in a home, and I really don’t want that.

I know its not long before we leave the caravan site, and we will be there, so I don’t think anything has to be decided until March next year, but I know for this year I really am going to have to keep pushing my mum, I think its one of those things she just cant admit to yet, but I saw how bad it was getting for her last year, and fear this year will defiantly be worse.

Im cooking at the moment, for my mum and step dad, Frank. They are coming up to spend the night, have a nice meal and a few drinks, watch a film, and chat about everything.

I am sure it will be good, but still there is food involved and I really don’t want to eat anything else today, it’s driving my nutty.

Umm what else is going on, not much really, I spent the day cleaning, and repairing everything, and doing a bit of reading. Paul has been fishing again, so am just waiting for everyone to arrive now.

Please take care everyone, Martin, Nex, Claire, Marcie, Stewart, and umm loads more.

Hope this week will be different and I can spend some time here.

Dawn xxx

Hey there everyone.

So had a bad week, but at least it is over, have been picking myself up slowly, although hardly ate anything at all, so feeling bad for that, as Ed is winning. I started this morning off not so good, ate a bit of toast before going horse riding. I think I would have fallen off other wise, oops.

When I got there Michelle had us booked in for ten it was 850… So I had a wait, plus it’s normally learners at ten, so we managed to squeeze in early and had our lesson before them. My normal horse Rufus is sick so I was put on Belle, and she was great, a bit smaller so I felt a bit sorry for her lumping my weight around, but her trot and canter were fantastic, she is much easier to ride, and not as lazy. So I am having her next time.

I heard from New York in the week, but wasn’t up to really thinking about it. I read the critique from the editor, and I have some improvements which can be made, so I am going to start them today. Then I also heard from my agent, who wants me to continue with a bit of extra coaching. I am unsure as I still think its a scam, but if I am learning and improving my skills in most ways it isn’t, its just money after all, and to invest in any care most of us go to college don’t we,

Also heard from the hospital, and they are having a meeting about me on the 1st October, to see when I can go in for a bit. Am really feeling low about everything, but am trying not to let it get me down to much. I had a bad week, am sure there are people out there who also have had bad weeks.

I am looking forward to some good ones though, and I have my holiday in 4 weeks, so am focussing on that. I know I need a break.

Hoping to get round to say hello to everyone today, but I might not, take care all. Love to ya….

Dawn xxx