Friday,

ummm well wasn’t as good a day as I knew it wouldn’t be, I was literally exhausted and I ended up cutting again.

I feel so useless, and I can’t seem to fight this much longer, eating is just horrible, and I really need to sort it out but I can’t seem to.

Im going to have to talk to them on Monday and try and work this through, I knew it would be hard but I didn’t think it would be this bad.

I don’t want anyone to know that it is so hard, but I cant do it on my own, but how can I talk to people, how can I say I feel so bad, that I take a razor to my leg. Oh my god I can’t….

This isn’t how I want my life to be, this isn’t how anyone’s life should be.

There are people out there who are suffering with illnesses they can’t cure, and I suffer with the most pathetic thing in the world, a fear of food.

I don’t understand it, so how can anyone else…

jeeze, I am taking part in a study on Monday, with a lovely lady I met on Thursday, she is studying the effects of eating disorders and how places like Cheadle Royal help.

Well I hope me talking about everything will at least let others into how the mind works. Its one crazy thing.

Writing and letting go of feelings helps, so I will keep on plodding on, letting things out.

Dawn

keep safe all of you

Xx

They say god won’t give you any more than you can handle! According to my friend….

Well I guess I can handle a lot, as I am in the middle of this most awful part of my life right now.

I have got so many things going on in my head and I can’t stand it, I just want to give in and not do anything, not be anyone anymore.

Yesterday, I left for the hospital, with lots of positivity, I want to learn how I can beat this voice, this demon in my head, but after I got there it all seemed to fade. I was faced with not only my worst fear, food, but everything emotional to.

The therapist who I will be seeing has this great way of picking out your inner feelings just from a few words, and it’s really scary. She is going through something called, TA which isn’t like any therapy I have had before, and it’s actually enlightening, I can see where in my past and my present I am going wrong, and I can see where I need to address things, although at the moment I don’t feel I have enough strength to do anything.

We had the dietician in the afternoon, and I also learned some things about the human body, most of what we tell ourselves in our ‘ed’ world, is just pure nonsense.

I so scared of eating because I will put weight on, but the reality of it isn’t happening, and it’s really confusing.

At lunch I had to face something else, not only my dinner but a dessert to, even though it was only a yogurt it pushed my feelings to a head, and I began to freak out about it again, I cant eat food and then something else, I am just going to end up this huge monster, who wont be able to walk any more.  I can’t do it…

When it came to dinner, I’d really had enough by then, I was full and my head was in pure turmoil, I don’t know how I can go on like this, I can’t…

I have serious thoughts of self harm, and in the night I can’t help but want to get up and just run a thousand miles or something.

Ed has got me not only doing sit ups now, but also doing some other forms of exercise, like walking at such a pace I cant breath, my legs are burning and my heart so fast I think I am going to collapse.

I am going to have a talk with the nurse Susan, on Monday and try and work some of this thing out in my head, by someone else challenging them I might see how stupid they really are.

I also want to ask a few questions about how my treatment is going. I am trying to be positive, and am saying positive things while there, and in my head there is this black cloud that is just trying to get through these next few weeks.

Financially I can’t cope with it, I am going to end up in so much trouble, and I can’t pay my council tax and other bills. I am scared I will lose my home.

I know I won’t let things get so bad, but these things are really messing with me.

I want to concentrate on getting better, but how can you when all you are worried about is paying your bills, and making a mess of the next few years of your life.

I have to do this now while the resources are here, and I know that I can get the professional care I need, so why is money holding me back from doing it.

Such a bitter option is to go back to work and carry on as I am, but even I know, I will end up as an inpatient, I may not be anorexic looking but my body can’t cope like this for much longer.

I wish people didn’t judge you for what you were…. and I wish there was more help than there is.

I keep praying for that lottery win, but it’s never going to happen, we have to make the most of what we have got, and even if it’s nothing, we can’t change things.

I am going to be ok, I have a lot of support and I know things will work out; I am just scared, because I don’t want anyone else to suffer anymore because of me.

These really are ramblings I know, but I can’t help it, where else can I come and moan and not worry about anything or anyone…

I have a plan to follow, of which I will keep doing even if I think its going to kill me I am sure it won’t. I am going to question every thought I have and ask for the help I need. I am going to get better, with the people who are around me now, the people who care.

My love goes out to anyone suffering for any reason.

Don’t let it win…..

Dawn xxx

2

Ok, so yesterday wasn’t as bad as Monday, but boy it was still so much hard work.

I had to be up for 540, to get the train at 650, which wasn’t so bad, we only had to change once in Bolton, and then to heald green.
It took 30 mins to walk then to the hospital, and there mum left me to go on and do her wandering round all day.

I was glad she came but it must have been such a hard time for her with nothing to do, its bad enough for me and Im somewhere at least I can sit down and its warm….

Anyways, there were a few new faces, Hazel, Kate and Wendy, Siobhan, then Zoë, Holly and me.

Of course it started with breakfast, and then a snack later, I got to meet the therapist who I will be seeing today in a group session, which was tough, we all had to introduce ourselves, and then talk about our Ed and how it’s been for the last few weeks.

That was hard; she knew how I was feeling just from a few simple words, how crazy is that.

Well I know that’s what she is there for.

In the afternoon, they had an open day party as they have just moved buildings, and that was interesting, got to meet some of the people from across on the critical unit, and some of the anorexic girls, that are having inpatient treatment.

I have never felt more of a fraud than being in the room with them, I am a normal weight at least, and they looked sooo sick. I felt so sorry for them, but still my own body is sick to.

Today I have found it really really difficult to carry on with this food plan, I have terrible crippling stomach ach, and I really didn’t sleep at all last night. I was awake at 1am, yet I am so tired, I just don’t understand it.

I got up this morning after 7, Paul brought me some toast and coffee, and I read for a bit. But I feel so low; I have really bad thoughts going through my head. Really bad, as in self harm bad.

I don’t want to do anything, but am not sure if I will be safe all weekend. I think I am just going to have to really try.

I have been to see my doctor today, as I can only sign myself off from work for a week, and he signed me off for a month. Oh my god.

Now I feel such a failure, such a freak, no one is ever going to like me again at work, because I let them down, Steve is going to be really upset when Paul takes this note in.

I don’t know what to do, I am getting help, but it’s the hardest thing I have ever done, it has never felt like war but it is at the moment.

I am on my own now while Paul is at work and it’s quite boring, I have done a few bits round the house, but I haven’t any motivation for anything else.
Am going to go, this is depressing me even more.

Love Dawn xx

3^rd Nov

Today I have been horse riding again, which was really great.
I love Belle; she is beautiful and really listens to me. I am getting better and didn’t hold on to the saddle once today. Michelle is still having to, she is struggling a little, but I thought she was doing great; she seems to get Dimple to canter easier than I get Belle.

She came back for coffee which was really nice, and we had a good chat, she also mentioned how much weight I had lost, and was concerned, but I was ok in talking to her about it.

My head is really confused with what is happening. I wish it wasn’t, and it’s such hard work at every time I have to eat.

I wish it was easier.

Am sat here, listening to the fireworks, my cat has gone really jumpy, and scared, and sitting with her ears pricked up watching everything.

I feel like that and I am not even a cat, but my scary thing is food and what I have to eat.

I am hoping everyone is ok, I was awake at 4am last night and on the net, but there wasn’t anyone around to talk to.

Take care everyone, Dawn xx

I know we all fear something, it can be anything cant it, the fear of spiders is a huge thing…

Well lets pretend you are petrified of spiders, and I am going to make you confront your fear five times a day, and let you sit there with loads of people watching you for 15 mins, while the spider crawls all over every part of your body. Its little legs finding every place it can get to.

Feeling scared…

Well that is how my day started yesterday, not only had I to get up and let Paul drive me to Manchester, but we then got lost, and it ended up me being a minute late, of which I hate, and very very upset……

Then after finding the right place, I met a nurse who had me strip off and weigh me straight away, she asked a few questions and then I had to go and eat a snack with the other girls there for day care.

I wasn’t amused at all.

I was hot, sweaty, and terrified.

I was asked what I would like for dinner; we had a choice, chicken tika wrap, or a humus bagel. I choose the bagel, but had never really had one before, so didn’t know what to expect.

We sat in a room for a while, getting to know each other a bit, the other girls there are all really nice, and one only started last week, so she looked as scared as I was feeling, me when I am nervous I never shut up and hate a quiet room, so I gasbagged away about anything, Just to take my mind of what was coming next, it didn’t work for very long.

On going in for lunch, I was faced with my worst nightmare, a room full of people, and food.

I wanted to run away, of which I knew I couldn’t. I was there to get better, and one of the things I need is food, so I started to slowly eat my bagel.

Half way through I freaked out big time, and started to cry, of which then I was taken out of the room, to be talked to by one of the nurses, who was really nice, She talked me down and encouraged me to o back in and eat the rest of my bagel, which I did.

Then I got to see the dietician, who helped me work out a meal plan, for at home and at work. We talked a bit about going to work tomorrow, and she basically said, if I went to work would I follow her plan, without any help from my support network. I answered her honestly, I said no, if I go into work tomorrow it’ll be just like normal, and I won’t eat all day.

We talked for a bit, about my relationship with Paul and ways in which he could help me start to eat better, by sitting with me at each time I need to eat, and just by being there. So my plan for today was to get up and eat breakfast with Paul.

We did a lot of talking in such a short time, and she explained a lot more about the human body and how it does or doesn’t work when we aren’t eating enough.

My weight loss will slow down and my body will begin to eat itself and become very unwell. As to which I found out last week it was, my blood pressure is really low, and fluctuates a lot to depending on what I am doing. That’s when I begin to feel faint, and pass out.

Great stuff.

She asked me why I had panicked so much at lunch, when really it was just everything that set me off, eating with people I don’t know, and of course the food, it looked nice, and was ok to eat, but it was far too much, and I just really wanted to throw it out the window.

Some of the other girls left at 3 and one went for some Pilates exercise so it was left with me the other newest girl.

We talked for a bit, but it was hard to find the words to talk about. I am not the oldest there, but I am the healthiest in my BMI rate, and in some ways I feel such a fraud, and that I shouldn’t be there.

Time went really slowly, and then we had to have another snack. I do so not want to keep on eating, but I managed to.

It went a bit quicker after snack time; I talked to one of the nurses about getting the train, and what sorts of things are expected of me every week.

I will get to see a therapist and Dr Sharma again, and every Monday we are weighed and checked out, we get to see the dietician and go through how we have done all week, and we get to change our meal plans. On Thursday, there are two group sessions, one in the morning and afternoon, and they are on different things, body image etc.

I liked the dietician, although my meal plan is sooooooo massive, I have no way of attaining it…

But I am going to try; I can’t take time off work to not give it 100%. So I am doing.

On a Wednesday they all get to go out to the local pub for dinner, of which they want me to with them once, to see that social situations are ok, and I shouldn’t fear them, and then maybe I can think about tacking my habits and work situation out.

I am not sure how I will go on with these things, talking about how some of the people in work act around food, and comment on certain things got me really upset as no one should be able to reduce another to nothing, but sometimes people just don’t think before they open their mouths do they, and I have to learn to deal with good and bad comments better.

Today I got up with Paul and managed some cereal, my snack and some lunch, and now I am facing the choice of an afternoon snack, and then dinner.

I don’t think I can do it all, not just yet.

I feel so bloated and fat already, how I am supposed to get used to this, its driving me absolutely crazy already. I HATE IT……..

I am tired from not sleeping and I am so fed up… five weeks like this, maybe even more weeks, I just don’t know what to do… I really don’t.

So the feeling of that spider hasn’t left me, and I don’t think, it will. But I am facing it. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and am ever likely to do, but life is too short, and I have to get better, for my own sake as well as everyone else’s…

This has been a bit long, oops, lol, oh well never mind…

Dawn xxx

Friday the 13^th, sure felt like it,

to end the absolute craziest week of my life, was one of the worst days of my life.

To start with, on Thursday one of the girls at work pre warned me that they were going for a sandwich from the delicatessen up by where we work. When they go, it’s at ten o’clock. So I forgot to ask Paul for some money, and then my friend Kate said she would help me get one, so I asked for bacon sausage and cheese, its my favourite, and I knew it would be hard to eat it, but if it took me all day I made the decision that I would.

Then one of the other girls made a comment, that I was a greedy bitch for having it, come on people, do you not think before you open your stupid mouths, I have an eating disorder for gods sake, I feel guilty enough for eating anything without comments like this.

So I was not in a good mood, at ten and didn’t attempt to eat it until 12, of which I managed two mouthfuls, and then put it away.

Paul rang me at 12, and told me of his bad day, first the cash machine swallowed our only bank card, so then they cancelled it, and we have no way of getting any cash out of the bank, then as he was picking some of the kids up a woman in a car pulled out and hit the side of the bus. So he had loads of paperwork to fill in, and it didn’t look like we were going to be going away after all.

So ok, I left work feeling a little daunted, but looking forward to going out with my friends, as Monika is leaving for home, and not coming back for a while, so we were going out for a good night,

When Paul finally got home, late as the traffic was bad, he then informed me that he’d had another incident towards penwortham with someone else, this time, he let two of the college students off his bus, and as traffic wasn’t moving, he watched one of the lads walk up the road about fifty yards and then cross the road, straight in front of the pathway of a cyclist, who then went flying.

The cyclist an elderly man then tries to accuse Paul of letting the kids off the bus straight into his pathway.

I know most people are pretty daft, but come on, how is he responsible for someone crossing a road without looking…..

Please, I had really had enough by then, my stomach was hurting from having eaten some more of my sandwich and I just wanted this day to be over but oh no believe me it wasn’t.

So we went out, to a place in town called Lloyds bar, I bought a bottle of wine, which is normal for me, and my friend Kate had the same, over 2 hours, one bottle isn’t so bad, but she didn’t tell me she had had nothing to eat and she started being really sick, so Monika and I walked her home.

Just up the road from her house, she threw up over a wall, and some young lad started coming over, a bottle in hand, ‘ is she all right’ ‘is she pissed’

So I politely asked him to leave us alone, we were taking him home, but he didn’t leave, he carried on taking the piss out of her, saying she was throwing up clots of blood and that the police would be round in a minute and arrest her for drunk and disorderly, so by this time, I was beginning to get really annoyed, this little kid, was just being a prat, so I told him to leave us be again,

‘ what you going to do about it?’
I then walked towards him and shouted for f***s sake get lost’

oh dear I had upset him then hadn’t I, and he started shouting for his friends who were round the corner, this little man, had 5 girlfriends to back him up, then they started on all of, us,

I wasn’t scared, the girl, ring leader, threatened to kick my head in, so I just replied, ‘go on then get it over with, I’ve had a bad day, you might as well finish it off.’

Kate and Monika were quite scared I think, but these girls didn’t want a fight, eventually by acting completely stupid and apologising to this lad, they went away and we got Kate home safely,

I really had just had enough, but this bad day just didn’t end did it, nope.

Paul picked me up from the bus stop and then decided it was time for a heart to heart with me, till 2 in the morning. I am upset because I know realise how hurt he is by all of this that is going on, and I feel even guiltier.

What a day, what a night, I didn’t sleep much, I feel so bad today as well, as nothing seems to be going right.

We haven’t gone away to Devon, as we can’t get any money; I am upset and hurting, and just so tired.

Anyways, that was a bad week over, and now I can relax, I am cleaning up for a bit today, a winter spring clean. Then I am moving on with my script, I got to get it working, they are so nice people in America and they understand I am struggling now.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, and I hope to speak to you all soon….

Love Dawn xxxx