09/11/07

 

They say god won’t give you any more than you can handle! According to my friend….

Well I guess I can handle a lot, as I am in the middle of this most awful part of my life right now.

I have got so many things going on in my head and I can’t stand it, I just want to give in and not do anything, not be anyone anymore.

Yesterday, I left for the hospital, with lots of positivity, I want to learn how I can beat this voice, this demon in my head, but after I got there it all seemed to fade. I was faced with not only my worst fear, food, but everything emotional to.

The therapist who I will be seeing has this great way of picking out your inner feelings just from a few words, and it’s really scary. She is going through something called, TA which isn’t like any therapy I have had before, and it’s actually enlightening, I can see where in my past and my present I am going wrong, and I can see where I need to address things, although at the moment I don’t feel I have enough strength to do anything.

We had the dietician in the afternoon, and I also learned some things about the human body, most of what we tell ourselves in our ‘ed’ world, is just pure nonsense.

I so scared of eating because I will put weight on, but the reality of it isn’t happening, and it’s really confusing.

At lunch I had to face something else, not only my dinner but a dessert to, even though it was only a yogurt it pushed my feelings to a head, and I began to freak out about it again, I cant eat food and then something else, I am just going to end up this huge monster, who wont be able to walk any more.  I can’t do it…

When it came to dinner, I’d really had enough by then, I was full and my head was in pure turmoil, I don’t know how I can go on like this, I can’t…

I have serious thoughts of self harm, and in the night I can’t help but want to get up and just run a thousand miles or something.

Ed has got me not only doing sit ups now, but also doing some other forms of exercise, like walking at such a pace I cant breath, my legs are burning and my heart so fast I think I am going to collapse.

I am going to have a talk with the nurse Susan, on Monday and try and work some of this thing out in my head, by someone else challenging them I might see how stupid they really are.

I also want to ask a few questions about how my treatment is going. I am trying to be positive, and am saying positive things while there, and in my head there is this black cloud that is just trying to get through these next few weeks.

Financially I can’t cope with it, I am going to end up in so much trouble, and I can’t pay my council tax and other bills. I am scared I will lose my home.

I know I won’t let things get so bad, but these things are really messing with me.

I want to concentrate on getting better, but how can you when all you are worried about is paying your bills, and making a mess of the next few years of your life.

I have to do this now while the resources are here, and I know that I can get the professional care I need, so why is money holding me back from doing it.

Such a bitter option is to go back to work and carry on as I am, but even I know, I will end up as an inpatient, I may not be anorexic looking but my body can’t cope like this for much longer.

I wish people didn’t judge you for what you were…. and I wish there was more help than there is.

I keep praying for that lottery win, but it’s never going to happen, we have to make the most of what we have got, and even if it’s nothing, we can’t change things.

I am going to be ok, I have a lot of support and I know things will work out; I am just scared, because I don’t want anyone else to suffer anymore because of me.

These really are ramblings I know, but I can’t help it, where else can I come and moan and not worry about anything or anyone…

I have a plan to follow, of which I will keep doing even if I think its going to kill me I am sure it won’t. I am going to question every thought I have and ask for the help I need. I am going to get better, with the people who are around me now, the people who care.

My love goes out to anyone suffering for any reason.

Don’t let it win…..

Dawn xxx

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