Jan 22 2008

22/01/08

 

What a hectic weekend it has been, I can tell you…..Just Wow

 

Friday wasn’t really a great day to start with, but it improved a lot Amazingly enough, Paul has received payment for his redundancy, £1200 wow I cant believe it, and you know its just such a relief, I can tell you.

 

Paul came home and we then went out to my friends 21 party, I was to meet three women there, two I knew of but hadn’t met, and the other I had only heard of by Jen.

 

It was a bit strange going in to Mere Brow club after my 30th party, sort of like it was ages ago. But in the end we both got a lot from it I think.

 

Jay was brilliant, she is so nice, and obviously beautiful, I realised how much she really has been through. As for Faye, she was a completely different story, she was an obvious self harmer, as her cuts were on visable, she wore a pair of gloves, so no one could see the worse ones, but as the night grew on, and she was more and more drunk, she took them off, and yes, she was a mess, They were bad, but I have seen worse, like Chantelle, the thing with Faye’s were more that you knew they were real deep, as you could then see the stitch marks, like when I had my knee opp.

 

I think Christine was lovely, Jen’s friend frommanchester, I didn’t know that she has applied to Cheadle Royal as in to work there, but it didn’t scare me. Was nice that Paul could talk to her for a bit, when I went to the toilet, and was nice that he talked about his experience and about how her husband has been with her illness.

 

 

Saturday was a little weird, I wanted to go out to matalan to see if I could get a jumper like my grey one, and we ended up going to the caravan site, and then on to Ron Dockers, so Paul could finish off installing his DVD recorder. We then ended up going out for lunch and although I ordered an all day breakfast I gave Paul the egg, and took the sausage home, although I did eat it with toast and chips, heheheheh

 

I think I did really week, but the thing for me was my friend who works there Gill, who I used to go to school with, came over for a chat, I then mentioned I was attending Cheadle and she turned round and said that she has the opposite eating disorder from me.

 

How the hell does she know what Ed I have, I am more anorexic than bulimic, and I am suffering more than ever at the moment with self harm thoughts, why did she have to say that it was such a stupid comment?

 

Oh I don’t know, why I think such stupid things when other people pass comment….

 

Its crap….

 

 

Saturday night, and we went up to my dads for a meal another hot one I might add, but seeing as I’d had such a big dinner I couldn’t eat that much and Liz was great about it. I did manage some Banoffee pie later though.

 

I drove home, and had a good nights sleep for a change.

 

 

Sunday we went to the caravan and would you believe it, we actually sold it as well…

 

To be honest I can’t believe its gone, but I think I am ok with it.

 

I will miss it don’t get me wrong, but I know it is for the best.

 

Monday and the train was so late, because of flooding at chorley and I thought I had missed my appointment with Shirly but I hadn’t and I got to speak to her all about my weeks findings,

 

I am growing as a person and I understand more of where and who I am now more than I ever did.

 

I still feel like I am fat, but I know that the scales and others don’t agree with me. I just have to believe in others and borrow their adult personality from them,

 

Its not easy by any means, and I am finding it really hard, in fact more than really hard. But I think I am getting there.

 

I don’t know what will happen in the next few weeks, but I know things are getting better.

 

Tuesday

 

I have spent most of the day today doing some nice things with Paul, we went to Ormskirk to pay our council tax bill and then did a bit of window shopping, I am glad that I did, as there are some great bargains, in B&M, but Paul wont let me get them yet.

 

I want out place to look nice, where ever we end up. I just hope that he trusts my decorative taste

 

 

Anyways, tomorrow we move out of our caravan for good, it will be a long hard day, but I will do ok with it, and I will be ok,

 

I hope to speak soon, thankfully I got a laptop even though mine has gone away to be fixed, this one is a loan but it will sever a purpose, and I am so happy for that…

 

 

See you

 

Dawn xxx

 

 

Jan 14 2008

14/01/08

 

 

So today I have learned even more about the person that I am and why I behaved as I did over Christmas.

 

I know that Kate has hurt me a lot and in the past this sort of friendship has been what I have hung onto. No matter what the consequences to my own health have been.

 

I realised that when I meet someone for the first time, and they do take an interest in me, and show that they like me, that I just jump in head first and don’t think about what they are offering me as a friend.

 

A true friendship works both ways, and isn’t all one sided.

 

In my C.B.T class today Zoë asked me what I really thought, and she asked many more questions.

 

I know I am not such a bad person, I have such great qualities and I know people do want me as a friend.

 

Abi, suggested writing Kate a letter explaining things, but Pam didn’t agree. Pam said that if it had been her friend and she had behaved like that she would have just forgotten about her.

 

Yes it’s easy to say things when it’s not your friend. But I expected so much more from Kate, and as in my childhood, I let things develop in a way that isn’t good.

 

I can’t say how I am going to handle going back to work and on seeing Kate, but I can say that I have to do a bit more thinking about it.

 

The rest of the day was really good,

 

Dawn x

 

Jan 12 2008

12/01/08

 

Hi everyone.

 

Its been a very tough week, I realised that some of my thoughts, are really still not good, after getting my new meds, I took my first tablet far to early and was asleep at 5 pm, off and on and then in bed at 8pm… lol… I know I needed to sleep but I wasn’t expecting it to be straight away.

 

Anyways the hospital was good on Thursday, I know talking to Shirley is really helping, and to some of the other staff, I haven’t self injured, although the feelings are there, and I am talking about them now, which is good… Shirley assured me that even with everything that has happened over xmas that I am doing really good. I have made a lot of positive and strong decisions, like forcing Paul Riley out of the car. I as my child self, let my Adult take over and make the right decision instead of being bullied and letting him get in the car and come to Leyland with us.

 

In the other sense I have made some decisions to whom really is my friend, and who really isn’t. It has been hard to actually admit that certain people are there just because I am a nice person and generally would do lots of things for them, but I have admitted it now and put into practice ways to stop them from carrying on and doing that, and hurting me.

 

I know in what ever future I have I need certain things in life, and friends are one of them, but I need friends who take care of me as well as let me take care of them.

 

I haven’t been able to really open up and talk to any of my friends in the past, even with Sian it has been really difficult, and I have felt like by me putting my problems on her, that she will decide she doesn’t like me anymore, and she will run away.

 

I know that has come from my friends in childhood, Elaine did a similar thing and so did another friend Sally. A couple of other girls were there only for what they could get at the time, and one girl would ring me up and tell me specifically that I was the last person she had thought of to go out to the cinema with.. so she had rung me… I mean come on WHY did I put up with that at school, why didn’t I turn round and tell her that I was a person with feelings….

 

Nope I just was glad that someone wanted to actually go out with me and I went to the cinema with her…

 

I am so ashamed of the person I used to be, and the things people used to do to me…

 

I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t all the time, and that hurt me so much.

 

Is it a wonder really that I sat in my room making up stories about beautiful people who were loved and cared for, who had friends and relationships.

 

I did anything I could to try and hide from the shit reality that I had as a growing up young woman.

 

When one of my closest friends moved away, I was very hurt, she rang me a couple of times, and I rang her, but I didn’t know how hurt she was by her own life, while she was still living in my area, her parents had a very volatile relationship, and her mum was in hospital a few times as her dad had hit her.

 

I didn’t know at the time, but Louise, was anorexic, and very very down. She talked to me a few times about her family problems, and as I sort of connected with her, I saw her a lot more. My other friend Elaine, was upset and we fell out on numerous occasions, because I was with Louise and not her, I know she didn’t understand that her life was very different to ours.

 

I admit myself, because she was one of the closest friends I had, I got pretty jealous when she then started another friendship with a different girl, and maybe I did push her away.

 

When Louise was admitted to hospital for Anorexia, I didn’t really understand that was why she was in there, her tiny frame was under 5 stone, and even now looking back I can see when I was there she would eat some chocolate, but I also knew she made herself sick afterwards.

 

She was in hospital for a while and through the summer hols I went to visit her a few times, and stayed all day with her.

 

When she left I was very hurt, and even more so when I got a phone call the day before I started college, to say she had died.

 

People said that she committed suicide, and others said she choked on a piece of apple and drowned in the bath. I never found out the truth, I was just devastated. You see a few weeks before she had rung my house, and I hadn’t been there, and I never had the chance to ring her back, as my own life was going through so much, most of the time I did just hide in my room, hoping it would all be better some day.

 

I was very sorry for her, and I blamed myself for not being there for her, when I should have.

 

I know childhood friendships are very different from adult ones, but I craved it, and needed it so much I would take it from anyone who would pay me any sort of attention.

 

When Elaine and I really did fall out, I was in my second to last year at high school. She had a new boyfriend, and I just was to jealous and couldn’t cope with this fact, her boyfriend and her new friend were all that mattered to her, and I didn’t, I was possessive, but she was the only one who really had been my friend. I drove her away.

 

I remember the day like it was yesterday, we had an argument in school and that was it. She walked away from me, wouldn’t even look at me anymore, she stopped sitting with me in class, and no one else spoke to me either. I was completely on my own.

 

English was the hardest class of all. She made it perfectly clear to everyone in the class that she didn’t want to be associated with Big Fat Dawn Lloyd.

 

I ran out of my English class and hid in the toilets crying. Why was everything and everyone, turning me away? Was I so so bad, that I wasn’t worth anything?

 

I had no one……

 

It was 8mths, before she did actually speak to me. And it was because my granddad had passed away.

 

 

She had fallen out with her new friends, and needed someone to talk to, but I wasn’t being that person. Our friendship had ended and would never be the same, so I told her, and carried on my lonely existence.

 

My exams were a night mare, as mum and dad did nothing but argue, and when I left high school. I really did have no one to share my pain with.

 

Umm think I have written enough for now…

 

Love Dawn x

By kanundra • Posted in Hope
0
Jan 11 2008

11/02/08

11th February 2008

Ummm where am I from last week….

Moday at the Hospital was a complete farce and I can say never again………..

OH MY GOD.

I was there as usual for about 9:00 am.  It was really difficult because I had to walk down there, and it was so painful. It took me ages because I had to keep a very slow pace. I stopped at a small shop, and bought a  beautiful birthday frame for Holly and Sibohan, It only says happy 18th and 21st. But it is lovely.

I am sure they will both love it………

When I was there, to be honest I absolutely freaked out… There was no one to do the shopping and I sat with Sue and Kath for ages before anyone else actually turned up.

I ended up going shopping with Pam, which was ok. We talked the whole way…

The thing was, there was no Prawns on the menu, and there was no mushrooms. Even in the end. I bought the Prawns and had to claim the cash back from them. But Pam did get everything else.

I was so pissed off as they never even put the mushrooms in with it.

When we got back. Abi was there to help with the cooking.

The wasn’t much space and  certainly not enough pans, or space for us to redo the risotto.

There was to many people to cook for and not enough time. It was after all gone11 am.

Anyways after sitting down to eat this massive bowl of rice and nuts and stuff; I freaked out big time.

O dear. Yeah it was really difficult for me not to then bring it back up.

We had Karens group afterwards, and to be honest I did give her so much grief. I said exactly what I thought of the whole thing. CRAP…… right from the start there was so much of a lack of communication, it just wasn’t good.

We then had Zoe’s group, and I was determined that I had to talk about going back to work.

Yeah I opened a can of worms then didn’t I….

It was so hard for me to admit the truth and to talk about how I was feeling about going back into the factory.

I was terrified, and really didn’t want to.

So there and then, I decided that at this present time. Going back to work, wasn’t an option. I was not strong enough to go back in there and to be really honest if I had then all I wanted to do was start restricting again.

And I MEAN really restricting.

I began to really cry and in one way all my emotions came out. About how I felt with the food fiasco we had just had. The fact that Sue and Kath changed their mind so much, and there was no proper communication.

I cried a lot.

But it was a good thing.

I decided not to go back to work, there and then.It was just never going to be a safe place for me to return to,

Tuesday.

I got some more pills off Dr Hudson, and I ended up being signed off work again for a month.

I am dreading tomorrow…

Wed

Yeah, umm another really crap day.

For a start Paul rejected me in the morning and I felt then very alone and ugly and fat.

I self injured again… and this was  before I even got to work.

I had the meeting and we both decided that I was better for the company and for myself that I leave.

I now have 12 weeks notice.

Ummmm……

Thursday..

I had to take a bus and a taxi to the hospital.. Bummer…..

I did have a real good chat with Shirley though, and Pam..

Pam is a wonderful lady, and I think a great friend….

The weekend was recuperating…

Seeing as it is so late and I am so tired….. I must go to bed……

Love Dawn xxxx

Jan 8 2008

08/01/08

8th January 2008

 

 

Wow it seem like time has really flown already,

 

I had my appointment with a private doctor yesterday, to assess my hand injury, Its like 12mths since the accident so there is no real evidence left, all I feel is a little aching when it’s cold, or when I am riding the motorbike, he said that was usual in the first winter since an accident and an injury.

 

Today I have been to see my head psychiatrist, who has now changed my medication, oops reminds me I need to take my tablets now. lol… done.

 

Yeah so he sort of put my mind at rest really, saying that really after everything I have been through over the last few months, that any normal person would be totally overwhelmed with feelings… my problem is I want to suppress them. By not eating, or now as I am eating any other detrimental habit.

 

He was a really nice man even though I wasn’t in there with him for very long about 20 mins; I seemed to feel much calmer when I had left.

 

Good, yes, I was going to go up to the hospital tomorrow, but now am going to get my new prescription instead.

 

Things are just as mad in my head at the moment, I am so unsure as to which way or what we are going to end up doing, and I am really scared, my mind doesn’t want to get my hopes up to much, but really I want to live in my Nans house, and I do want to be happy and to settle once and for all. I am sure its just not going to happen though, my luck is just so bad, nothing really has ever worked out for me in the past so why should it now….

 

 

Anyways, have had a long day so am going. Trying to get some sleep here is hard at the moment, so Im just trying to keep busy. It aint working….

 

By kanundra • Posted in Hope
0