How can a good day turn to shit, and vice versa….

I am so fed up of people lying about stuff..

Cheques cans clear as they lie about it, and now i am in arreas for my caravan which I dont even own anymore..

crap hey

fed up fed up fed up fed up fed up

D xx

3:26 am.

Yes I am awake very early, as I cant sleep.

I think maybe it is because I haven’t slept this week at all.

Everything seemed to be going ok at the beginning of the week, I was more positive about everything, but now, I just don’t know…

Wednesday I had a good day really, I went to see mum and how she was doing. Then I went horse riding.

Paul had made a few jokesabout me going back to work, and me falling off the horse, so what did I do, yes I fell off.

Belle wasn’t in the best of moods, she had tried to get me off twice before that, and I manaed to stay on, so I don’t know what happened this time….. I think she just really wanted to get me off.

Anyways, I got back on like a good girl… But it made our lesson late, and the teacher gave us an extra ten minutes, that was good.

Thursday and I didn’t feel so bad, I hadnt slept much but I was ok.

The stupid train was late, and had some fault with it, so when it got toWiganit was to disembark two of the carriges, then it decided to boot us all off.

I had no way then of getting toManchester, and was well stuck. I really wanted to see Shirley. But now I missed out.

I feel so bad about it, but the next train was like an hour and it wasn’t even going to my stop.

Friday,

I had a bit of a lazy day today, seen mum for a bit, and did a few things at home.  My ribs are really sore now, I think I have bust one. It really hurts when I breathe and bend down….

Saturday

Very busy day.

Took Paul into Town, he has a sore foot, so I drove. Went to Staples, to get some adhesive stuff for my collage picture. Which is now sitting in the spare room, finished.

Then we went to banks, to get some new riding gear for me.

You see when I fell off my foot got caught in the stirrup and nearly had me dragged round the ring. Not good,  so I needed to get some proper riding gear.

I think I have beenreally upset by the fact that I had to get jodpurs which were a size 18.

I am not that big. AM I?

Ed is saying so, much to me right now… I hate myself. I feel so powerless to it.

I took two lax because I haven’t been to the toilet this week, and I was sick this morning after my breackfast.

I think I just paniked about the size thing.

My clothes seem the same tightness, and my boots still fit. So I cant have put much on. I am jhust really freaking about it.
Oh and about going back to work..

I have to talk about it today with everyone, Sunday night  so sorry Monday morning it is.

Yeah so I will have to speak…

I am getting nervous about it. I have had so many bad dreams tonight..  About being rejected by everyone, and by them saying nasty things like I am just skiving.

I don’t think any of them care or really have a clue how all this has affected me.

Why do I care about how they feel anyways,,, I am so stupid.

I just wish that things were so different, that people actually liked me for being me. Nothing else, but non of them do.

Take Kate for example, I am so worried about seeing her. Its really freaking me out.

She has hurt me so much and doesn’t even think she has, and I am sure in her eyes, I am the bad person, and she is in the right.

Not once did she come to see me, and I needed her. How bad is that…

Friends, who needs them…

I am also worried aboutSian, I haven’t heard anything from her all week, and this is not like her. I called and everything.. I know she is a bit sick but Im scared in case something has happened to her and the baby. Please please don’t say anything like that has happened…..

I hope she is ok…

Umm im a bit lost really and my ribs are hurting. Think I have od’d a bit on painkillers, which isn’t good, buti so need them right now.

Am not looking forward to walking to the hospital this morning, or getting weighed. Or about speaking in front of everyone today…

Love to ya… miss being on here… miss my friends…

Dawn xxx

I cant believe in some way’s how quick the time is going.

We went  for another meal withSianand Noel on Friday night and then came back to ours for a drink and some more talking, butSianwas really tired so she left before 12.

It was great to see them so happy and looking forward to having a baby… I am really pleased for them.

We talked about the plans for the house, and she seemed as excited as us.

Saturday we didn’t do so much, as we were going out sat night toSouthportwith John and Beata. This was really nice to get out and have a drink and really enjoy myself. I was a little nervous in case I saw Kate, but it didn’t last long. I am sure she will find out from Sylvia and Laura.

I don’t want to bother with it to be honest. And especially not to think about it.

Sunday we went and cleaned out van and packed the rest of the few bits. It was good to see it all clean, and to be able to finally walk away and know it really ahs been sold. They finished paying for it on Sunday and sorted out the paperwork.

I don’t know how to feel about it really, I am still a bit shell shocked.

Anyways I went to the hospital yesterday, and we made our own home made soup and it went quite well, at lunch. Dinner was hard, they won’t bring any other hot deserts over now, so we are stuck with eating two yogurts in one day, its not nice believe me.

I have put on two pounds, but I am ok with it, as pat says it is muscle, so I have been trying to think of it like that, but my weight really seems to just stay the same.

I hope everything will work out ok.

I am feeling more positive about things, and am going to go back to work soon, I know I want to anyways. Just to get things moving forward again.

I am a bit nervous but I will really be ok.

I have to be, as I want to think I can do this…

I have asked to try a course in Transactional Analysis, and am really thinking about doing a degree in it, to try and get better work, I don’t want to stay at the factory any more.

My mum hasn’t been well this last week, she has been really down and a pale looking, I took her to the doctors today who say she has a viral bug.

At least she now knows so she can rest properly.

Hoping everything is ok for my friends even though I am not on the net I do miss it.

Am seeing Shirley on Thursday and I think she will be pleased with my decisions.

Your Dawn xxx

Oh my god, I never in a million years thought I had that much stuff, but I did have. WOW

My mum picked me up after 9 and we met Paul at smiths van hire, so frank could drive it, you should have seen the paperwork for that to, it was crazy.

The worst thing, was they were really snotty in the office about us being let on to move out all our belongings, I mean come on, we sold our caravan and made then 3000 for doing nothing, and they are expecting us to do it on a Sunday for just 2 hours, it would have taken all year…

Anyways, I thought frank was going to spit out his dummy when the van was loaded, because Paul was supposed to be going back to work at 230, it was 200 before they even left to bring the stuff up here. Luckily enough Paul rang his boss, and they covered the school run, so he could finish the move. He had asked for time off but he’d never got it, till right last minute.

We went out last night to the Farmers arms, for a meal, that’s the third time I have eaten out this week, and to be honest I am really freaking out about it. You see, I did a daft thing this morning and I got on our scales, it says I’m 4kg heavier than I was last Monday, is that possible? Oh god, I shouldn’t have done it should I!!!

I now think I am so fat and I am crying here, I hate myself so much, and don’t want to eat at all today. I’m supposed to have gone to the hospital but I have been awake all night, I’ve got a headach, and the runs. I think it’s the stress from moving.

But 4kg. I should not have done it. I know scales can vary in different places but I am so upset, I don’t think I could convey how much.

I know Kath says, go on how your clothes are feeling to, but I think my jeans are tighter, and I’m sure Ive got a roll of fat now where I didn’t have before.

This eating disorder is the worst thing in my life, it’s horrible, and I wish I wasn’t here any more to have to suffer like this.

I am more than upset. Devastated. I’m going to go for a walk I think to get some milk, and burn some energy. I can’t do this today.  I am also going out later to hip hop with Claire, so that will be good, and horse riding next week. I defiantly have to get weighed when I go to the hospital on Monday as I think between now and then I am really going to have a panic attack and that’s not good. I don’t want to feel like this, but I can’t help it.

There is something inside me that is telling me these thoughts which are wrong. I know I am beautiful, I can see it. But I can also see something else lurking in the background waiting to bite at me and hurt me more than I ever could myself.

Why does it have to be like this, why am I such a bad person, I have to punish myself and think like this, I wish it would go away, I can’t go on like this anymore.

I never thought that first time I put my fingers down my throat to make myself sick that 15 years on, I would still be like this. I never imagined the damage I could cause to my own body and health.

All I wanted was a bit of love, someone who wanted to share time with me, and could help nurture the person I was…

I am trying to put my nurturing adult into play here, but its not working. I should go eat some breakfast but there is no way now that I can………

Love Dawn x

Xx