Apr 6 2008

6/04/08

WOW

This blog is coming from my new laptop, thankfully i managed to get my hubby to get off his high horse and spend some money on me, I am just sure he was trying to get out of it for as long as possible, but am happy now.

Its a Dell with a red cover on it, and its really nice, most of all i am pleased as I can now get back on line, and write again, been missing it so much.

Missed everyone here, and missed just being able to do something, its been really boring at home, but now well the world is my oyster again.

I am doing really well at the moment, life is actually picking up for a change, things are moving forward and I am real pleased with it.

I have had the go ahead from the doctor to go back to work, as things have settled down, my meds are working great and i am sleeping ok now, i am not surprised with the amount of hard gardening we are doing.

I am down to one day at daycare, and as things have been getting harder there due to the fact they are insisting on a cullinary skills class, that i am really glad of not being there so much.

Even though the doctor said i am ok for work, my boss is saying that i cant go back till they get a letter off my doctor, i think they are just being stupid but if i dont go in to work on wednesday this week, then will they sack me for not turning up, plus i cant do without the money, so i dont know what to do there. Go in or not. I will be ringing my union rep up and speaking to them on monday, but then have to speak to steve again as well.

I dont really want to go back there, but needs must and then at least i can save up for some new things again.

Anyways, i will catch you all again soon.

Love to ya all, Dawn xxxx

Apr 6 2008

06/04/08

Cant sleep tonight, as the pictures in my mind begin to take over.

Cant sleep tonight for the fear of growing older.

It is time to realise life is for living, and not just existing.

Cant sleep tonight as my heads in a spin

Cant sleep tonight, but dont want to give in.

It is time to wake up, and feel sunlight on my skin.

Cant sleep tonight, as all i do is fight,

Cant sleep tonight so all i can do is write,

Dawn Chapman

Apr 2 2008

02/04/08

Seems I am floundering a little here, havent got a laptop yet and this ine is pinched, lol, well borrowed from a mate.

Hope to catch you all soon, am doing ok, and hope you all are to, will type up more when i get chance, promise.

Dawn xxx

Mar 11 2008

11/03/08

Hello there everyone

I havent blogged for a bit as i have been very very busy.

These last few weeks have been really challanging for me and I would like to say i have sailed through them.

I have dropped Mondays at cheadle hospital, for my own reasons as well as theres, I am doing much better with eating and am maintaining a healthy weight, even though it has slightly increased I am trying not to focus on it in a bad way, as i know i look better for having a bit of cuddliness. rather than being thinner and pale faced and sullen.

I have been doing lots of thinking and dont know where i still stand on a number of things.

I am finding the reality of leaving work a little more difficult than i had imagined and in some ways of considering going back just to fight off one of my fears, to be able to go back and leave when I want to notwhen they want me to.

I think i still need to focus on other things now, and am really going to look into that seriously.

I have good news about the bungalow, we have the plans back and the builder is at the moment pricing everything up, i know he thinks already he has got the job as they have been out matching bricks and stuff, bless him. We have known the guy a long time, and he comes highly recomended so fingers crossed he comes in well under budget so we have some money left for the nicer things like Pauls 20ft fish pond.

As for me, I just want everything to get started, for me to be in some kind of work and then i feel more financially secure and i know my mum certainly would, even if it is going backwards.

My doctor thinks, it is the fact tht I am so scared as to why i dont want to go back in, because of the way things have been handled in the past when i have had long time off sick, but over the last few years i have never recieved the help with my food issue and thats been an underlying problem, i feel it is now being delt with to the best of my ability.

I have come a very long way in the last 5 months. I have discovered so much about the person I am and more to the point who I want to be, not just what the past has made me.

We have a tennancy aggreement now as well, so am more secured in that knowledge that things are really settling.

As for day care and wanting to leave for my own reasons.

It has become increasingly hard on mondays. There are about 10 more girls, and to be honest the rooms arent big enought to cope with that.

We are doing also this cullinry skills thing, where two of us cooks for the other 12 people…

Now you can imagine cant you. 14 girls all with severe eating problems at various stages, and they are asking us what we would like to eat…

Come on, they are so blind, I know decision making about food is part of the problem, and I am always arguing with Paul because i havent got a meal planned for the evening. But it is a major part of why we suffer. We just dont know what to choose…

To have to make decisions like this is highly stressfull, and for some it is putting them off going to day care full stop.

I also feel that, because there are so many on Mondays and only two members of staff plus the dietition, that there sn’t enough support there for some of us.

It is very easy to let the ones who dont speak up slip under the carpet, and I am the one who is dealing with the comeback.

Basically as I am such a caring person and the other girls really do trust me.

As it was my last day on monday, some of the girls even wanted to change their days just so i would be there with them. That is so nice, and I am very flattered they like me so much, I am beginning to realise that I am a person worth kowing and that I shouldnt hide away.

I think i will have to make some notes of this and put it in the post to Dr Sharma. I know it will def upset the staff but I am thinking of the others who are left without attention when they most need it.

Umm, think that is about it for now.. Keep smiling everyone, and thanks for your continued support.

Dawn xx

Feb 29 2008

29/01/08

Been a while since i wrote a blog on the actual blog page and i must say feels kind of weird.

After the huge ordeal of monday at dc, i thought thurs was going to be just as bad but to be honest it wast anywhere near like that.

I had my appointment with shirley in the mornng, and we talked a bit about the ongoings of the week, then it got to the subject of Monday and how it all went wrong.

I began to realise that it wasnt just the amount of food that we had to eat it was the whole situation.

You see there was a lot more of us on Monday and that meant the table wasnt big enough so they made it into one long table… and that just took me back about 25 years to when I was in primary school..

“Come on fatty you can eat all that, then we can go out and play”
The quicker you eat the beter it is for all of us”

I was sat back on the table of eight wth the older children at Mere Brow primary school…
I was suddenly very frightened and as usual I had a good reason to e scared, and very scared.

You see when we were very very tiny we used to sit on one long dining table where a dinner lady would then bring out our food for us, but as we got older we went to sit on a table of eight where the two oldest children then had the responsibility of dishing out the food.

I was in a position, which I was abused in every day.
The older children didnt like certain foods, so Dawn got to et it all. But if anyone else didnt like to eat something Dawn got to eat it all even more of it.

I remember oe time, where I was made to eat 8 hotdog sausaes on buns, and I felt so sick afterwards.

Of course I couldnt tell anyone, my mum wasn’t around much, as she had been severely ill and in hospital for ages.

This behaviour continued for a very lng time, and as a small child because of all the extra food I began to get bigger. This made it even more difficult to have good friends as I was the point of their bickering.

It wasn’t utill one of the other kids had said something to me when my mm was near that she found out what was happening at school, and she was blazing. Why couldnt i have gone to her and told her in the first place, I didnt feel I could, as when ever i used to go to her, I was pushed away, or she wastnt there to isten to.

The school head teacher at the time was of course mortified that this behaviour was going on and the whole school dining room changed as if overnight. Then the other kids blamed me for this, and i was still bllied for a while.

But it did settle down, and life was ok for a while.

I think I freaked out on Monday because it put me right back to that poor little kid who was sat being made to eat food se didnt want, in a nasty enviroment, and in my mind i reverted back to that very scared child.

Now at least i can be prepared for Monday as no dobt there will be more people again.

I was glad to be able to tlk to Shirly as she really seems to be ble to get ou to think about things without even thinking of it really.

In the group session in the afternoon, she found yet another deep subject on wihich to talk on. The feeling of being uncomfortable and the fear of being touched as most of us think we dont deserve it.

Most of us left crying . I then went for a coffee with oe of the girls and we had a really good chat. There was only two of us left at 4pm, so i got chance to get to know one of the other girls a bit better as well. It was a very emtional day.

I cried a lot on the train on the way home, i miss being the person i used to be, but i dont know if i can ever find her, i think she is really lost deep inside, and it is really scary to let go of the only thing thats kept me alive, My ed.

I have a headach this morning, but i did sleep ok last night. I might go back to bed for a bit..

Love to ya all.