They say god won’t give you any more than you can handle! According to my friend….

Well I guess I can handle a lot, as I am in the middle of this most awful part of my life right now.

I have got so many things going on in my head and I can’t stand it, I just want to give in and not do anything, not be anyone anymore.

Yesterday, I left for the hospital, with lots of positivity, I want to learn how I can beat this voice, this demon in my head, but after I got there it all seemed to fade. I was faced with not only my worst fear, food, but everything emotional to.

The therapist who I will be seeing has this great way of picking out your inner feelings just from a few words, and it’s really scary. She is going through something called, TA which isn’t like any therapy I have had before, and it’s actually enlightening, I can see where in my past and my present I am going wrong, and I can see where I need to address things, although at the moment I don’t feel I have enough strength to do anything.

We had the dietician in the afternoon, and I also learned some things about the human body, most of what we tell ourselves in our ‘ed’ world, is just pure nonsense.

I so scared of eating because I will put weight on, but the reality of it isn’t happening, and it’s really confusing.

At lunch I had to face something else, not only my dinner but a dessert to, even though it was only a yogurt it pushed my feelings to a head, and I began to freak out about it again, I cant eat food and then something else, I am just going to end up this huge monster, who wont be able to walk any more.  I can’t do it…

When it came to dinner, I’d really had enough by then, I was full and my head was in pure turmoil, I don’t know how I can go on like this, I can’t…

I have serious thoughts of self harm, and in the night I can’t help but want to get up and just run a thousand miles or something.

Ed has got me not only doing sit ups now, but also doing some other forms of exercise, like walking at such a pace I cant breath, my legs are burning and my heart so fast I think I am going to collapse.

I am going to have a talk with the nurse Susan, on Monday and try and work some of this thing out in my head, by someone else challenging them I might see how stupid they really are.

I also want to ask a few questions about how my treatment is going. I am trying to be positive, and am saying positive things while there, and in my head there is this black cloud that is just trying to get through these next few weeks.

Financially I can’t cope with it, I am going to end up in so much trouble, and I can’t pay my council tax and other bills. I am scared I will lose my home.

I know I won’t let things get so bad, but these things are really messing with me.

I want to concentrate on getting better, but how can you when all you are worried about is paying your bills, and making a mess of the next few years of your life.

I have to do this now while the resources are here, and I know that I can get the professional care I need, so why is money holding me back from doing it.

Such a bitter option is to go back to work and carry on as I am, but even I know, I will end up as an inpatient, I may not be anorexic looking but my body can’t cope like this for much longer.

I wish people didn’t judge you for what you were…. and I wish there was more help than there is.

I keep praying for that lottery win, but it’s never going to happen, we have to make the most of what we have got, and even if it’s nothing, we can’t change things.

I am going to be ok, I have a lot of support and I know things will work out; I am just scared, because I don’t want anyone else to suffer anymore because of me.

These really are ramblings I know, but I can’t help it, where else can I come and moan and not worry about anything or anyone…

I have a plan to follow, of which I will keep doing even if I think its going to kill me I am sure it won’t. I am going to question every thought I have and ask for the help I need. I am going to get better, with the people who are around me now, the people who care.

My love goes out to anyone suffering for any reason.

Don’t let it win…..

Dawn xxx

2

Ok, so yesterday wasn’t as bad as Monday, but boy it was still so much hard work.

I had to be up for 540, to get the train at 650, which wasn’t so bad, we only had to change once in Bolton, and then to heald green.
It took 30 mins to walk then to the hospital, and there mum left me to go on and do her wandering round all day.

I was glad she came but it must have been such a hard time for her with nothing to do, its bad enough for me and Im somewhere at least I can sit down and its warm….

Anyways, there were a few new faces, Hazel, Kate and Wendy, Siobhan, then Zoë, Holly and me.

Of course it started with breakfast, and then a snack later, I got to meet the therapist who I will be seeing today in a group session, which was tough, we all had to introduce ourselves, and then talk about our Ed and how it’s been for the last few weeks.

That was hard; she knew how I was feeling just from a few simple words, how crazy is that.

Well I know that’s what she is there for.

In the afternoon, they had an open day party as they have just moved buildings, and that was interesting, got to meet some of the people from across on the critical unit, and some of the anorexic girls, that are having inpatient treatment.

I have never felt more of a fraud than being in the room with them, I am a normal weight at least, and they looked sooo sick. I felt so sorry for them, but still my own body is sick to.

Today I have found it really really difficult to carry on with this food plan, I have terrible crippling stomach ach, and I really didn’t sleep at all last night. I was awake at 1am, yet I am so tired, I just don’t understand it.

I got up this morning after 7, Paul brought me some toast and coffee, and I read for a bit. But I feel so low; I have really bad thoughts going through my head. Really bad, as in self harm bad.

I don’t want to do anything, but am not sure if I will be safe all weekend. I think I am just going to have to really try.

I have been to see my doctor today, as I can only sign myself off from work for a week, and he signed me off for a month. Oh my god.

Now I feel such a failure, such a freak, no one is ever going to like me again at work, because I let them down, Steve is going to be really upset when Paul takes this note in.

I don’t know what to do, I am getting help, but it’s the hardest thing I have ever done, it has never felt like war but it is at the moment.

I am on my own now while Paul is at work and it’s quite boring, I have done a few bits round the house, but I haven’t any motivation for anything else.
Am going to go, this is depressing me even more.

Love Dawn xx

3^rd Nov

Today I have been horse riding again, which was really great.
I love Belle; she is beautiful and really listens to me. I am getting better and didn’t hold on to the saddle once today. Michelle is still having to, she is struggling a little, but I thought she was doing great; she seems to get Dimple to canter easier than I get Belle.

She came back for coffee which was really nice, and we had a good chat, she also mentioned how much weight I had lost, and was concerned, but I was ok in talking to her about it.

My head is really confused with what is happening. I wish it wasn’t, and it’s such hard work at every time I have to eat.

I wish it was easier.

Am sat here, listening to the fireworks, my cat has gone really jumpy, and scared, and sitting with her ears pricked up watching everything.

I feel like that and I am not even a cat, but my scary thing is food and what I have to eat.

I am hoping everyone is ok, I was awake at 4am last night and on the net, but there wasn’t anyone around to talk to.

Take care everyone, Dawn xx