Breaking point and how to fix it.

Thankfully it really is friday, and this was my week.

It’s been a long one that’s for sure, although I can’t really point my finger as to the why. I guess it’s just my mindset.

I had two appointments this week at the doctors, the first with the nurse for my regular depo injection (contraceptive) where she weighed me and did my BP, I know my weight has crept up a bit since I hurt my back, and I’m sad about that from losing it all last year. My main concern is my BP and the fact it’s high for me. My elliptical came though and I’ve been getting back to exercise, so that is one positive.

Yes, I know, but even with watching the food, no alcohol and plenty of water, my BP is still high 140 over 93, where it used to be 120 over 70. It’s not dangerous, but I can feel the difference. I feel out of sorts.

My second appointment was with my doctor, to discuss some of the things bothering me. The accident and the pins and needles in my arm are from my neck she advised me to keep it warm for now, and gave me some more pain relief, just in case. The second thing we really talked about, was how I was feeling. The not sleeping for the last few months, November to now, is getting me down so much. I’m stressed with everything that has been going on at home, then I’m not sleeping, I’m more tired, I can’t be bothered, I’m wanting to starve myself so that I have some control and feeling, and yes, I’ve also had some very, very dark thoughts about other issues, like SI too. It’s not been good.

So, it was nice to talk to someone who actually did understand and listened to me, even if it was brief. I’ve been given an Anti depressant which also helps with sleep. As it makes you drowsy. I have to take this at night. I was a little concerned about taking it last night with driving today. Can’t drive if I’m falling asleep can I? but I’ve been okay. Side effects are I’ve wanted to eat. I’ve been so hungry today that I ate this morning and then again at dinner. So I am defo going to have to watch that. As I don’t want to get heavier either.

I have to give them a good try. I have to be able to get out of the rut that I’m in, or I’m going to end up back at the hospital. For one reason or another. And I don’t want that. So this is how I’ve managed it, I’ve known I’ve been getting to this point for a while, and it’s like I go the docs and I avoid it. But I didn’t this week. I allowed myself to feel. And for someone who doesn’t like to feel, this is a scary thing. Like crying is a scary thing, if you let yourself cry, you feel weak. And I’m not weak, I’m stronger than that, but I’ve also cried a few times this week to.

So yeah, breaking point. I don’t want to break – I want to be okay.

I will be okay. 🙂

Last day of nano :(

So yeah, the month of november is almost over. And I’m sad for lots of reasons.

It’s not just the fact it’s nano gone. Which is of course, sad. So very sad, it always is.

But, 7 years today I lost the best friend I had, my nan. I’ve really tried to not focus on it too much, but I woke in the middle of the night, in her house in the room she lost her fight in, and well couldn’t sleep.

The fact I was able to sneak into our living room, (hear Bobby move about as he re-settled) and put the laptop on was a good thing.

Nano brings lots of things, people in the chat room. New friends, who I can be very thankful for. (of course the ones, I managed to stick to all year, like Kayla and Stephen.

But I need to say a special, ‘Thanks’ even though they don’t know it to Hannah (ora) and to Jones726 because with their distraction I was okay. And today has been okay. I got stuff edited, I did many things I wanted to but didn’t feel I could. So thanks guys… you’ve been amazing.

Much love, and hugs.

Dawn

Sat – 22/2/14

So, this week was a kick start back into positive thinking. 

I started off taking part in a beta read for a new group I’m in on Scribophile. http://www.scribophile.com/authors/dawn-chapman/ This was what helped me lots. I actually forced myself to concentrate this week on just the three projects. This for me is a ‘huge’ thing. As I am constantly over stretching myself. So yeah, I read the 100k book. I wrote over 10k in critique for it and we’re now discussing plot points and my thoughts in the group setting. 

My second project is that for The Pandoran Age Chronicles, http://pandoranage.com this takes up lots of little bits of time, because I’m learning all about Ibook publishing. I’ve never attempted anything like this before. And Scrivener, is a tool which I’m finding excellent in helping out. It’s just so organised. https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Pandoran-Age-Chronicles/331690376852755

The tiny issues within in the book itself are all spacing. Trying to keep everything in uniform and perfect against the look of the book. I can’t fault the artwork or the idea behind Dante’s world. And I’m honoured to be part of this project. I am essentially learning as I am going along here. It’s all good though, and hopefully will look good when I get to release it for the team. 

My own project, I worked on through the week with EJ Runyon, https://www.facebook.com/BridgetoStory?fref=ts and I’ve got some time later today to also edit. It’s been a really validating couple of weeks. I’m part of a group left over from nanowrimo which has managed to actually keep to a strict weekly meeting scenario and the guys there read a random chapter for crit last sat, to which I was humbled and happy for the comments to come back. (I annoy the heck out of copy editors though eeek) lesson learned, but the strong part is, the battle scene worked with minor things to add in. 

EJ’s session was also really good, every week working with her is great. I learn something all the time, and it’s really translating to my writing. This is wonderful to hear, because it isn’t just an investment of time and money, its for the future of the whole project/franchise. 

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Weigh in results this week, also validated everything I’ve been striving for, with the ‘blip week’ on my monthlies out the way, this weeks weight loss was double. Muscle and Bone up, age back down, fat loss really down. I’m much happier in myself. From the start of this year and getting fitter, I’m now back to the weight I was before I broke my elbow and a stone off. Awesome. I just need to keep believing in the plan and let the people at the wellness centre do what is best for me. 

I will admit though that Dave the personal trainer there, put me through my paces this morning. Huge thanks 🙂 

Got to get back to it… 

 

Dawn x x 

 

16/2/14 – Flying past.

I can’t stress how much the weeks are flying past now that I am back in work. So this one might be a long one…. sorry. And also a double poster.

Week starting with the 10th

I kind of got off to a bad start with this one. For those who don’t want to read about womanly ‘things’ then look away, this one isn’t for you.

I’ve been married for 16 years this April. And due to my Eating Disorder in the very beginning my periods were all waco. So I went onto something that, at the time would sort them and me out. The Deprovera injection. At first this was really not a great thing. Supposed to sort it out, it vastly made things worse. And I bled for the first 3 mths almost non stop. As a weak person from the Ed, it did make me worse. However, it did settle.

Dec 2012 and the nurse told me how much my weight was affecting blood pressure and she was thinking that coming off the injection was a good idea, to help with the weight side of things. I came off it, it has taken me almost 15 months to regain that monthly womanly thing. (I so don’t need it in my job) but it started off on the Monday and lasted till Friday.

I guess you can call me a monster, as I had weird mood shifts, terrible pains, and the yukky side of it was just something I can’t be doing with, my decision is to go back on the injection. For my health and sanity.

—-

This affected my weigh in also. There was no weight loss. Water gain, was big, muscle a point and so was bone density. This then deflated me into paranoid and Ed behavioural thinking. If it wasn’t for the people around me being as supportive as they were, then I am afraid I might have started to do stupid things. My brain was screaming at me that I’ve been eating too much and at the weekend I drank myself silly just to drown out the voices for a while.

This really didn’t help me, kinda makes things worse.

Dawn

Week 1 of get fitter/healthier

Hey guys. 

So this has been a very quick week. Like the countdown to a holiday well I’m counting down going back to work. 🙂 I might feel nervous and it will be weird. But I am really looking forward to it. 

This week, I opted for a few changes to the way I’ve been doing things. I kicked my butt off the couch for one. And started to walk. It takes around 15 mins to my local village, so walking there and back has been a good start. I’ve done it 6 out of 7 days. 

I changed some of my cups of coffee for herbal tea, Chamomile an hour before bed, and green tea after dinner I’m actually surprised at the effect this has had on me, because I’ve felt much more alert. I do still need the ‘coffee’ in the mornings or by 2pm I am just gasping for one. But the fact that I feel more energised is great. 

I am not focussing on the weight loss side of things, but I can report that I have lost a good few pounds. Considering all I have done is walk everyday, I think that getting back to work should alleviate the rest of the excess I am now carrying. But I do want it to go further than that I need to shift it all off this year. 

The craziest thing I’ve done, is I bought some silly sweat suit from a pound shop. It’s kinda like dressing up in rain gear, then going running. But, after 5 mins on my twister and then 10 more mins step exercising, I really was sweating, so maybe that will be a good thing. 

 

No, there will defo not be any pictures of the big girl in a silly sweat suit. 

 

I am pushing ED to the back of my head, with the way I am tackling things I am not listening to him, even though he is there. Nagging. Yes, I am the heaviest I’ve been since 2000 when I bust my knee in, but I CAN deal with this. I WILL not starve myself, or go backwards. I am a healthier person, inside and out, and you can go ShooT Yourself….. right? Right! 

All in all, positive result, so I am really happy. 🙂

 

I am going to write my ‘editing/writing post’ later,  because I want to keep the two things separate. So, catch you laters. 

 

Dawn x