There is a sadness inside me today, that I have only wanted to hide, but haven’t been able to, my friends keep texting to see if I am all right, but what do they really want to here…. I say I am ok, but I am not, I feel a deep loss and I don’t know how to express it…

I know next week is going to be one of the worst in my life, I feel like I have gone full circle and I am again going backwards, but this time, I don’t want to stop it, am I so bad to feel I need something to take away this pain, and to feel the only thing is the friend I once loved, my ed..

Ed is a friend I could count on to help me when everything was at its worst, he was there to support me and offer comfort and control to at least something in my life. Now needing him is making me feel like the worst person alive, and I don’t want to need him…. I really do hate him…

The simplest pleasure in life, I cannot have, and that’s to enjoy food with the people I love, to go out and eat in a big place is the most frightening though, yet to fit into society I have to do it…..

Feelings are awful and emotions rule you…

This emotional woman is hurting badly and I don’t know what to do about it…

Dawn xx

Ummm yeah it’s not easy at the moment, this morning I felt like exploding, I had anger inside me for so many reasons, I am feeling really really down at the moment, and I cant or don’t want to let myself get to upset over my nan…

The funeral is next Wednesday and I am not looking forward to it… The last time I saw all my family was at their reunion and it was amazing, I think all of us knew then the next time we would see each other would be at her funeral…

I am so glad though she got to see everyone one last time… all my cousins from America and Australia flew over to be there and there was a huge card for all of us to sign, it really was an amazing party.

I am going to be online most of tonight, Paul is off to play snooker and I don’t want to sit there and watch so will get on with some writing and be chatting to people…

I don’t want to let myself get to upset, as I really don’t want to self harm and at the moment have been thinking about it a lot.

I do have my appointment next week so even though I aint looking forward to it, I know it will really help me, in regards to grieving for my Nan…

Take care Dawn xxx

Life is a mixture of many things, and all of them we love, hard or not.

My Nan died last night, and she’s been battling to stay alive for so long. Her strong love for my granddad keeping her here in this world…

To see the two of them together you wouldn’t believe they were 84+ they held hands and gave quick kisses of affection…. it really was true love for them.

I am really sad now that she is gone, she is free from pain and her suffering eased but I feel my granddad won’t be far behind her, together they could brave anything, and now….. He will be heartbroken…. inconsolable….

Please everyone, be sweet with those you love today…. give them an extra hug, and feel what’s inside…. in the end it’s all we have…

Dawn

So am busy writing, and really getting into my latest script…

I find when in a world that I come to love and enjoy being in, I don’t and won’t come out of it, it becomes me, and I it.

Anyone else feels this when they write…

When writing my trilogy, The Kiebal series, one of my main characters dies, and I cried buckets for weeks, am I just really crazy….

ummm

Dawn xx