Ok so for me these last few weeks have been a little crap.

I have been struggling with some food issues but they have been mostly looking after themselves.

My main upset is finding a job, there are so few out there and so few i really want to do. This whole world is heart breaking, and am finding the more depressed i get the more i want to focuss on not eating again.

My mums cat has also gone missing.

He was here on friday, and everyone locally saw him, but Sat morning, and that was it, he has gone. Cant see him anywhere, and there has been no evidence that he has been hit by a car or anything. My mu is really upset in case he has been hit and has crawled away to somewhere no one can see him.
I just wish he would come home. I think this year has been hard enough on my mum.

Silly little cat though we know he has crossed the road many a time as we have seen him do it. I am praying for him.

Love to you all.

Dawn

I have had a rather crap week today. made slightly worse by some comment from a person i had just met.
Why are some people so bad with things, why do they have to say something so stupid, This voice inside my head is having a field day and its worked, I have managed to go without my tea, and no one knows but me…. well and everyone here now.

The thing is I feel so much better for it, I dont feel guilty for hiding it, and I want to carry on. Yet i have the hospital tomorrow and i get to see Shirly as well and i know she wont be happy knowing I have been struggling and have had no one to turn to.

I have had people i just havent felt like i could share things.

I feel sooo fat, and ugly and i know i have put on sooo much weight, that its noticible in my face, and I really am unhappy about it. So upset that all i want to do is revert back to ed, and never ever let anyone make me eat again. I know you have to eat, but i so dont want to.

I think i am just having a really bad day, and i might be able to turn it round and make headway again tomorrow, but I dont want to i really dont.

This is just a moan, as I feel so crap.

I wont let it turn backwards but i really really do need to lose those few pounds again. 10lb since xmas isnt a lot, but when you hate it so much it really is a lot, it might as well be 10 stone as its so huge……

Umm moan over.

Love ya alll
Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have come to this large conclusion that I am never meant to get over my eating disorder…

I am in fact having to live with it.

This last week or so, becuase i have put weigh on, about a stone since january. I have become more and more depressed with myself.

I am feeling like a failure, and the only thing telling me all this is myself.

In reality, I have achieved so much along the lines of defeating my ed. I am eating healthily and enjoying the odd treat now and then.

But the voice doesnt shut up. Why is this.

Some things here have not gone so well. My mum moved out of her council place and in here, and last week, she got a bill from them for over £1000 just to clean up some of the stuff she didnt do…

I mean come on they sent an inspector round to look at the place and give her a list of jobs that needed doing, and then it was as though just because someone else got to go out and check it, they came up with a load of other jobs… how rude and so expensive… that was only an estimate to, they said the final bill could be higher…..

My mum was heart broken…. Especially after putting so much effort into sorting everything out. To be honest she is really flapping now about getting the extension built and finished. Wondering if she has enough money and all. Come on, we have 30k between us and the estimate is well under that. I just wish she would stop flapping..

I know she is worried about Paul spending money on the pond, and i think she has right to be to. As to be honest that has gotten a little out of hand, and has cost more than I wanted it to, but its a case of we have started so we have to finish it.

Plus spending on the bathroom has also cost well over £1300 which i wasnt planning on either. I am not so sure i can put a new kitchen in, at least untill next year.
This is so crazy….

Money doesnt ast long at all does it when you have to keep on paying out for things.

I tell you this though, i may be feeling a little frumpish, and not my best, but these problems haven’t gotten me as down as they have my mum, i know she got really upset about the bathroom floor, and having to pay Yan to refit the bathroom as the guy we got in was a botch job…

We all learn by our mistakes though, and i can say that for sure, its hard work…

Yan did say though that this week things would seem to pick up, and run smoothly for a while. I do hope they can…

Hope all is well for everyone else.

Dawn xxxx

Just thought I would try and update everything that is going on…

Umm where can I start…

Ok so mum moved in over the weekend which was quite a big thing for me. Now like i knew she would, she has taken over. How I am not so sure, but she has. Yep just like that.

She hasnt really got that much stuff althought it seemed to take forever to get out of the flat. But it is all in and everything seems ok for now.

My therapy is going well and I wish it was coming to an end but not just yet, they are a little worried at the hospital that as everything is going on here, i might have a bit of a relapse. Umm i dont know….

Anyways, the pond is getting there, the concrete base is in, and thejohn the bricky is coming later today to get the block work on it, then Mike will come to help get the carpet in and sand then the liner…

I think Paul is very happy, but i am a little sad. Its costing us a lot more than i had first imagined, and with any project things seem to keep on creeping in…

I am just hoping that the rest of my money doesnt take forever to come through as we could do with it now…

Speak to you all soon, and hope you are all well.
Dawn xxx

So yeah blogging is something I do when I am feeling the pits.

Understandable really, no one else can here the inner thoughts I am struggling with other than myself. So to write them down gets rid of some inner pain which other wise can’t get out.

The last couple of days I have felt very ill. Not as in a sickness ill. But Eating disorder realated ill. The thoughts are constant in my mind and the follow through with them has been so much easier.

I wish this crap would go away.

Why is there this vast need in my head to not eat. To feel hunger and to gain comfort in it. What have I ever done in this life or the last few that deserved such utter torment?

I feel like a lost soul and feel this crap will never ever end. I go through stages where I am ok for about 18mths, but the weight slips on and then I am back to square one, there seems to be no in between.

I am either fat or I am starving myself and anorexic.

The more I let my thoughts out the more upset I actually feel. I have text my therapist this morning, and I am hopefully going to see her on the 28th, but inside my head I am now thining. Oh I wonder how much weight I can drop in three weeks. A posibility which really scares me, because I know if I do not eat I will lose more than I ever should in that period of time.

The things which are bothering me at the moment let me think.

I am always worried about money. My husband has this affintiy of spending much more than we ever have. Even though I tell him we don’t want to do those jobs just yet!

I am worried about going on holiday with him for 2 weeks, mostly because I feel like a blob at the moment, and think he will hate me. But other than that i don’t know how to be around him. Its been almost 5 years since we have had a holiday like that. What on Earth am I going to do.

On the good note. Our garden is being started and the level looks amazing. They are tillering it now, and I am pleased it will look ace when it is done.

I am going out today to meet with the screnzy group. I was hoping to meet up with Sian but she is looking after her mum who had a minor op. I think I will enjoy tonight, and not let ed get in the way, although now all I want to do is not go, and just go back to bed and hide for the rest of the day.

I am hungry but I daren’t eat. This is just plain stupid.

Much thoughts to everyone, and sorry for as usual a down post.

Dawn