07/05/09

So yeah blogging is something I do when I am feeling the pits.

Understandable really, no one else can here the inner thoughts I am struggling with other than myself. So to write them down gets rid of some inner pain which other wise can’t get out.

The last couple of days I have felt very ill. Not as in a sickness ill. But Eating disorder realated ill. The thoughts are constant in my mind and the follow through with them has been so much easier.

I wish this crap would go away.

Why is there this vast need in my head to not eat. To feel hunger and to gain comfort in it. What have I ever done in this life or the last few that deserved such utter torment?

I feel like a lost soul and feel this crap will never ever end. I go through stages where I am ok for about 18mths, but the weight slips on and then I am back to square one, there seems to be no in between.

I am either fat or I am starving myself and anorexic.

The more I let my thoughts out the more upset I actually feel. I have text my therapist this morning, and I am hopefully going to see her on the 28th, but inside my head I am now thining. Oh I wonder how much weight I can drop in three weeks. A posibility which really scares me, because I know if I do not eat I will lose more than I ever should in that period of time.

The things which are bothering me at the moment let me think.

I am always worried about money. My husband has this affintiy of spending much more than we ever have. Even though I tell him we don’t want to do those jobs just yet!

I am worried about going on holiday with him for 2 weeks, mostly because I feel like a blob at the moment, and think he will hate me. But other than that i don’t know how to be around him. Its been almost 5 years since we have had a holiday like that. What on Earth am I going to do.

On the good note. Our garden is being started and the level looks amazing. They are tillering it now, and I am pleased it will look ace when it is done.

I am going out today to meet with the screnzy group. I was hoping to meet up with Sian but she is looking after her mum who had a minor op. I think I will enjoy tonight, and not let ed get in the way, although now all I want to do is not go, and just go back to bed and hide for the rest of the day.

I am hungry but I daren’t eat. This is just plain stupid.

Much thoughts to everyone, and sorry for as usual a down post.

Dawn

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