3:26 am.

Yes I am awake very early, as I cant sleep.

I think maybe it is because I haven’t slept this week at all.

Everything seemed to be going ok at the beginning of the week, I was more positive about everything, but now, I just don’t know…

Wednesday I had a good day really, I went to see mum and how she was doing. Then I went horse riding.

Paul had made a few jokesabout me going back to work, and me falling off the horse, so what did I do, yes I fell off.

Belle wasn’t in the best of moods, she had tried to get me off twice before that, and I manaed to stay on, so I don’t know what happened this time….. I think she just really wanted to get me off.

Anyways, I got back on like a good girl… But it made our lesson late, and the teacher gave us an extra ten minutes, that was good.

Thursday and I didn’t feel so bad, I hadnt slept much but I was ok.

The stupid train was late, and had some fault with it, so when it got toWiganit was to disembark two of the carriges, then it decided to boot us all off.

I had no way then of getting toManchester, and was well stuck. I really wanted to see Shirley. But now I missed out.

I feel so bad about it, but the next train was like an hour and it wasn’t even going to my stop.

Friday,

I had a bit of a lazy day today, seen mum for a bit, and did a few things at home.  My ribs are really sore now, I think I have bust one. It really hurts when I breathe and bend down….

Saturday

Very busy day.

Took Paul into Town, he has a sore foot, so I drove. Went to Staples, to get some adhesive stuff for my collage picture. Which is now sitting in the spare room, finished.

Then we went to banks, to get some new riding gear for me.

You see when I fell off my foot got caught in the stirrup and nearly had me dragged round the ring. Not good,  so I needed to get some proper riding gear.

I think I have beenreally upset by the fact that I had to get jodpurs which were a size 18.

I am not that big. AM I?

Ed is saying so, much to me right now… I hate myself. I feel so powerless to it.

I took two lax because I haven’t been to the toilet this week, and I was sick this morning after my breackfast.

I think I just paniked about the size thing.

My clothes seem the same tightness, and my boots still fit. So I cant have put much on. I am jhust really freaking about it.
Oh and about going back to work..

I have to talk about it today with everyone, Sunday night  so sorry Monday morning it is.

Yeah so I will have to speak…

I am getting nervous about it. I have had so many bad dreams tonight..  About being rejected by everyone, and by them saying nasty things like I am just skiving.

I don’t think any of them care or really have a clue how all this has affected me.

Why do I care about how they feel anyways,,, I am so stupid.

I just wish that things were so different, that people actually liked me for being me. Nothing else, but non of them do.

Take Kate for example, I am so worried about seeing her. Its really freaking me out.

She has hurt me so much and doesn’t even think she has, and I am sure in her eyes, I am the bad person, and she is in the right.

Not once did she come to see me, and I needed her. How bad is that…

Friends, who needs them…

I am also worried aboutSian, I haven’t heard anything from her all week, and this is not like her. I called and everything.. I know she is a bit sick but Im scared in case something has happened to her and the baby. Please please don’t say anything like that has happened…..

I hope she is ok…

Umm im a bit lost really and my ribs are hurting. Think I have od’d a bit on painkillers, which isn’t good, buti so need them right now.

Am not looking forward to walking to the hospital this morning, or getting weighed. Or about speaking in front of everyone today…

Love to ya… miss being on here… miss my friends…

Dawn xxx

I cant believe in some way’s how quick the time is going.

We went  for another meal withSianand Noel on Friday night and then came back to ours for a drink and some more talking, butSianwas really tired so she left before 12.

It was great to see them so happy and looking forward to having a baby… I am really pleased for them.

We talked about the plans for the house, and she seemed as excited as us.

Saturday we didn’t do so much, as we were going out sat night toSouthportwith John and Beata. This was really nice to get out and have a drink and really enjoy myself. I was a little nervous in case I saw Kate, but it didn’t last long. I am sure she will find out from Sylvia and Laura.

I don’t want to bother with it to be honest. And especially not to think about it.

Sunday we went and cleaned out van and packed the rest of the few bits. It was good to see it all clean, and to be able to finally walk away and know it really ahs been sold. They finished paying for it on Sunday and sorted out the paperwork.

I don’t know how to feel about it really, I am still a bit shell shocked.

Anyways I went to the hospital yesterday, and we made our own home made soup and it went quite well, at lunch. Dinner was hard, they won’t bring any other hot deserts over now, so we are stuck with eating two yogurts in one day, its not nice believe me.

I have put on two pounds, but I am ok with it, as pat says it is muscle, so I have been trying to think of it like that, but my weight really seems to just stay the same.

I hope everything will work out ok.

I am feeling more positive about things, and am going to go back to work soon, I know I want to anyways. Just to get things moving forward again.

I am a bit nervous but I will really be ok.

I have to be, as I want to think I can do this…

I have asked to try a course in Transactional Analysis, and am really thinking about doing a degree in it, to try and get better work, I don’t want to stay at the factory any more.

My mum hasn’t been well this last week, she has been really down and a pale looking, I took her to the doctors today who say she has a viral bug.

At least she now knows so she can rest properly.

Hoping everything is ok for my friends even though I am not on the net I do miss it.

Am seeing Shirley on Thursday and I think she will be pleased with my decisions.

Your Dawn xxx

Oh my god, I never in a million years thought I had that much stuff, but I did have. WOW

My mum picked me up after 9 and we met Paul at smiths van hire, so frank could drive it, you should have seen the paperwork for that to, it was crazy.

The worst thing, was they were really snotty in the office about us being let on to move out all our belongings, I mean come on, we sold our caravan and made then 3000 for doing nothing, and they are expecting us to do it on a Sunday for just 2 hours, it would have taken all year…

Anyways, I thought frank was going to spit out his dummy when the van was loaded, because Paul was supposed to be going back to work at 230, it was 200 before they even left to bring the stuff up here. Luckily enough Paul rang his boss, and they covered the school run, so he could finish the move. He had asked for time off but he’d never got it, till right last minute.

We went out last night to the Farmers arms, for a meal, that’s the third time I have eaten out this week, and to be honest I am really freaking out about it. You see, I did a daft thing this morning and I got on our scales, it says I’m 4kg heavier than I was last Monday, is that possible? Oh god, I shouldn’t have done it should I!!!

I now think I am so fat and I am crying here, I hate myself so much, and don’t want to eat at all today. I’m supposed to have gone to the hospital but I have been awake all night, I’ve got a headach, and the runs. I think it’s the stress from moving.

But 4kg. I should not have done it. I know scales can vary in different places but I am so upset, I don’t think I could convey how much.

I know Kath says, go on how your clothes are feeling to, but I think my jeans are tighter, and I’m sure Ive got a roll of fat now where I didn’t have before.

This eating disorder is the worst thing in my life, it’s horrible, and I wish I wasn’t here any more to have to suffer like this.

I am more than upset. Devastated. I’m going to go for a walk I think to get some milk, and burn some energy. I can’t do this today.  I am also going out later to hip hop with Claire, so that will be good, and horse riding next week. I defiantly have to get weighed when I go to the hospital on Monday as I think between now and then I am really going to have a panic attack and that’s not good. I don’t want to feel like this, but I can’t help it.

There is something inside me that is telling me these thoughts which are wrong. I know I am beautiful, I can see it. But I can also see something else lurking in the background waiting to bite at me and hurt me more than I ever could myself.

Why does it have to be like this, why am I such a bad person, I have to punish myself and think like this, I wish it would go away, I can’t go on like this anymore.

I never thought that first time I put my fingers down my throat to make myself sick that 15 years on, I would still be like this. I never imagined the damage I could cause to my own body and health.

All I wanted was a bit of love, someone who wanted to share time with me, and could help nurture the person I was…

I am trying to put my nurturing adult into play here, but its not working. I should go eat some breakfast but there is no way now that I can………

Love Dawn x

Xx

What a hectic weekend it has been, I can tell you…..Just Wow

Friday wasn’t really a great day to start with, but it improved a lot Amazingly enough, Paul has received payment for his redundancy, £1200 wow I cant believe it, and you know its just such a relief, I can tell you.

Paul came home and we then went out to my friends 21 party, I was to meet three women there, two I knew of but hadn’t met, and the other I had only heard of by Jen.

It was a bit strange going in to Mere Brow club after my 30^th party, sort of like it was ages ago. But in the end we both got a lot from it I think.

Jay was brilliant, she is so nice, and obviously beautiful, I realised how much she really has been through. As for Faye, she was a completely different story, she was an obvious self harmer, as her cuts were on visable, she wore a pair of gloves, so no one could see the worse ones, but as the night grew on, and she was more and more drunk, she took them off, and yes, she was a mess, They were bad, but I have seen worse, like Chantelle, the thing with Faye’s were more that you knew they were real deep, as you could then see the stitch marks, like when I had my knee opp.

I think Christine was lovely, Jen’s friend frommanchester, I didn’t know that she has applied to Cheadle Royal as in to work there, but it didn’t scare me. Was nice that Paul could talk to her for a bit, when I went to the toilet, and was nice that he talked about his experience and about how her husband has been with her illness.

Saturday was a little weird, I wanted to go out to matalan to see if I could get a jumper like my grey one, and we ended up going to the caravan site, and then on to Ron Dockers, so Paul could finish off installing his DVD recorder. We then ended up going out for lunch and although I ordered an all day breakfast I gave Paul the egg, and took the sausage home, although I did eat it with toast and chips, heheheheh

I think I did really week, but the thing for me was my friend who works there Gill, who I used to go to school with, came over for a chat, I then mentioned I was attending Cheadle and she turned round and said that she has the opposite eating disorder from me.

How the hell does she know what Ed I have, I am more anorexic than bulimic, and I am suffering more than ever at the moment with self harm thoughts, why did she have to say that it was such a stupid comment?

Oh I don’t know, why I think such stupid things when other people pass comment….

Its crap….

Saturday night, and we went up to my dads for a meal another hot one I might add, but seeing as I’d had such a big dinner I couldn’t eat that much and Liz was great about it. I did manage some Banoffee pie later though.

I drove home, and had a good nights sleep for a change.

Sunday we went to the caravan and would you believe it, we actually sold it as well…

To be honest I can’t believe its gone, but I think I am ok with it.

I will miss it don’t get me wrong, but I know it is for the best.

Monday and the train was so late, because of flooding at chorley and I thought I had missed my appointment with Shirly but I hadn’t and I got to speak to her all about my weeks findings,

I am growing as a person and I understand more of where and who I am now more than I ever did.

I still feel like I am fat, but I know that the scales and others don’t agree with me. I just have to believe in others and borrow their adult personality from them,

Its not easy by any means, and I am finding it really hard, in fact more than really hard. But I think I am getting there.

I don’t know what will happen in the next few weeks, but I know things are getting better.

Tuesday

I have spent most of the day today doing some nice things with Paul, we went to Ormskirk to pay our council tax bill and then did a bit of window shopping, I am glad that I did, as there are some great bargains, in B&M, but Paul wont let me get them yet.

I want out place to look nice, where ever we end up. I just hope that he trusts my decorative taste

Anyways, tomorrow we move out of our caravan for good, it will be a long hard day, but I will do ok with it, and I will be ok,

I hope to speak soon, thankfully I got a laptop even though mine has gone away to be fixed, this one is a loan but it will sever a purpose, and I am so happy for that…

See you

Dawn xxx

11^th February 2008

Ummm where am I from last week….

Moday at the Hospital was a complete farce and I can say never again………..

OH MY GOD.

I was there as usual for about 9:00 am.  It was really difficult because I had to walk down there, and it was so painful. It took me ages because I had to keep a very slow pace. I stopped at a small shop, and bought a  beautiful birthday frame for Holly and Sibohan, It only says happy 18^th and 21^st. But it is lovely.

I am sure they will both love it………

When I was there, to be honest I absolutely freaked out… There was no one to do the shopping and I sat with Sue and Kath for ages before anyone else actually turned up.

I ended up going shopping with Pam, which was ok. We talked the whole way…

The thing was, there was no Prawns on the menu, and there was no mushrooms. Even in the end. I bought the Prawns and had to claim the cash back from them. But Pam did get everything else.

I was so pissed off as they never even put the mushrooms in with it.

When we got back. Abi was there to help with the cooking.

The wasn’t much space and  certainly not enough pans, or space for us to redo the risotto.

There was to many people to cook for and not enough time. It was after all gone11 am.

Anyways after sitting down to eat this massive bowl of rice and nuts and stuff; I freaked out big time.

O dear. Yeah it was really difficult for me not to then bring it back up.

We had Karens group afterwards, and to be honest I did give her so much grief. I said exactly what I thought of the whole thing. CRAP…… right from the start there was so much of a lack of communication, it just wasn’t good.

We then had Zoe’s group, and I was determined that I had to talk about going back to work.

Yeah I opened a can of worms then didn’t I….

It was so hard for me to admit the truth and to talk about how I was feeling about going back into the factory.

I was terrified, and really didn’t want to.

So there and then, I decided that at this present time. Going back to work, wasn’t an option. I was not strong enough to go back in there and to be really honest if I had then all I wanted to do was start restricting again.

And I MEAN really restricting.

I began to really cry and in one way all my emotions came out. About how I felt with the food fiasco we had just had. The fact that Sue and Kath changed their mind so much, and there was no proper communication.

I cried a lot.

But it was a good thing.

I decided not to go back to work, there and then.It was just never going to be a safe place for me to return to,

Tuesday.

I got some more pills off Dr Hudson, and I ended up being signed off work again for a month.

I am dreading tomorrow…

Wed

Yeah, umm another really crap day.

For a start Paul rejected me in the morning and I felt then very alone and ugly and fat.

I self injured again… and this was  before I even got to work.

I had the meeting and we both decided that I was better for the company and for myself that I leave.

I now have 12 weeks notice.

Ummmm……

Thursday..

I had to take a bus and a taxi to the hospital.. Bummer…..

I did have a real good chat with Shirley though, and Pam..

Pam is a wonderful lady, and I think a great friend….

The weekend was recuperating…

Seeing as it is so late and I am so tired….. I must go to bed……

Love Dawn xxxx