Wow, I cant believe really how time does go so quick.

Seems so long since i wrote here, and i dont know why… well actually i do, been kind of hiding, i think. Been writing a lot though which has been good..

For anone who hasnt read my latest story, go visit the clan, i promise its a good one, and taken from personal experience.

Things here are moving really quick to. The garage and shed is up, the hedge at the back of the garden is now down, and we removed the old clapped out wooden shed last week. It has been hard work, but its nice to see things coming together and getting sorted, got such a long way to go yet though, and its getting more stressful.

Mum moves in next week, and i am a little nervous, have got used to my own space here, and doing things all our way, and she has already said that she wants to be here to sort of take over.

She isnt going to be able to take over our lives though, as i have to stand up for myself and not let her run how i do things.

It is going to be difficult……

Anyone any suggestions apart from leaving the country for a few months…..

Oh well, had a really hard job over the weekend of finding a bath that will fit our small bathroom. The original bath is actually part fitted into the wall, and plastered round it, so having searched high and low, i managed to find a compact bath, on sale in home base, as it was ex demo, (We always seem to get demo stuff) but i cant complain its saved us 300 quid, and when Paul picked it up it came with the shower screen to which is over £100 quid. So now all I am looking for is a toilet and sink to go with it.

I was originally going to get a set from b n q, but there was just no way it was going to fit in, so now i have spent a little more but at least it will look like it belongs there instead of making it look way too small.

Regarding myself, ummm I am doing okish, Paul hasnt been well so ed, has been trying to get back in by telling me that i am not well to and shouldnt eat as much, because it will make me feel worse. The thing is I dont feel so bad, just got a constant headach at the mo.

I was weighed on thurs and my weight has only moved by 1lb, which in 4 weeks is nothing, i also ate brecky before i got to the hospital, so thats where that came from i think.

I had a good chat with shirley again, and in the afternoon session we covered friendship and how some of us make bad decisions with friends.
Its a topis we are going to talk about again, as it seemed to hit home with a lot of people.

Anyways, am having yet again a busy week, but am also going to go visit a friend on wed, so am hoping for a little me time to.

This weekend is our 10th year wedding aniversary, and although we will be very busy over the weekend i still am hoping that paul will be thinking about it.

Speak to you all soon, and hope you are all well.

Dawn xx

Am going to put this here, as I don’t know what else to do for the moment, I want to be able to write, how I am feeling, and this is the best time.

Today I have experienced one of the worst things in my life, one of my friends, who I have only known 6mths, had a seizure today. She was absolutely fine one minute talking to K the dietition, about osteoporosis and then she just said “I don’t feel well” she went all flushed and C asked did she want the toilet, She got up wobbled a bit sat back down, By this C was in front of her talking to her, she seemed to look away towards the window, but her expression was blank, she had no idea what was going on, the next thing she was as stiff as a board and the nurse was lifting her to the floor. We all left the room but could hear everything that was going on in there. She wasn’t responding to anything, her name she was making awful sounds.

I was terrified and so were the other girls. I thought that was it, she was going to die, her anorexia had taken its toll on her and her body had given up.

It seemed like forever that they were in there and when the Dr came it was worse as they moved her to the room next to us where we could hear even more.

They shut the door on us, and we were left shell shocked.

I have never seen anything like it in my life, and I was so scared for her life.

Eventually she seemed to come round a bit, but couldn’t still remember anything, by this time Shirley our TA therapist had shown up and we were all sat back in the dining room talking to her.

I felt so sick, sick to my stomach. I know of course an ed can kill you, but to see something like this really brought it home. I was horrified.

Talking with the others helped a bit, but I am still as upset now as I was before. Of course now I am sat in the station waiting to go home.

I can say one thing though, being hungry on the train and having to wait an hour for the next one, made me come up stairs to kfc and I have sat down and eaten a chicken burger and fries.

I know I cant let this afternoon scare me into not eating again, so I should be proud of myself. I have managed something I wouldn’t have even dreamed about a few months ago.

For a start I am on my own, and writing on my laptop, and I never would have done that either.

I think I have had enough for now, save it for the train on the way home. Maybe I can do some more on my story.
D xx

I have recuperated a little since thursday but it was an awful experience. I hope she really will be ok, i have had a few texts from her already. Am praying for her.

Other than that just a huge hug for you, all,

Dawn xx

Seems I am floundering a little here, havent got a laptop yet and this ine is pinched, lol, well borrowed from a mate.

Hope to catch you all soon, am doing ok, and hope you all are to, will type up more when i get chance, promise.

Dawn xxx

Been a while since i wrote a blog on the actual blog page and i must say feels kind of weird.

After the huge ordeal of monday at dc, i thought thurs was going to be just as bad but to be honest it wast anywhere near like that.

I had my appointment with shirley in the mornng, and we talked a bit about the ongoings of the week, then it got to the subject of Monday and how it all went wrong.

I began to realise that it wasnt just the amount of food that we had to eat it was the whole situation.

You see there was a lot more of us on Monday and that meant the table wasnt big enough so they made it into one long table… and that just took me back about 25 years to when I was in primary school..

“Come on fatty you can eat all that, then we can go out and play”
The quicker you eat the beter it is for all of us”

I was sat back on the table of eight wth the older children at Mere Brow primary school…
I was suddenly very frightened and as usual I had a good reason to e scared, and very scared.

You see when we were very very tiny we used to sit on one long dining table where a dinner lady would then bring out our food for us, but as we got older we went to sit on a table of eight where the two oldest children then had the responsibility of dishing out the food.

I was in a position, which I was abused in every day.
The older children didnt like certain foods, so Dawn got to et it all. But if anyone else didnt like to eat something Dawn got to eat it all even more of it.

I remember oe time, where I was made to eat 8 hotdog sausaes on buns, and I felt so sick afterwards.

Of course I couldnt tell anyone, my mum wasn’t around much, as she had been severely ill and in hospital for ages.

This behaviour continued for a very lng time, and as a small child because of all the extra food I began to get bigger. This made it even more difficult to have good friends as I was the point of their bickering.

It wasn’t utill one of the other kids had said something to me when my mm was near that she found out what was happening at school, and she was blazing. Why couldnt i have gone to her and told her in the first place, I didnt feel I could, as when ever i used to go to her, I was pushed away, or she wastnt there to isten to.

The school head teacher at the time was of course mortified that this behaviour was going on and the whole school dining room changed as if overnight. Then the other kids blamed me for this, and i was still bllied for a while.

But it did settle down, and life was ok for a while.

I think I freaked out on Monday because it put me right back to that poor little kid who was sat being made to eat food se didnt want, in a nasty enviroment, and in my mind i reverted back to that very scared child.

Now at least i can be prepared for Monday as no dobt there will be more people again.

I was glad to be able to tlk to Shirly as she really seems to be ble to get ou to think about things without even thinking of it really.

In the group session in the afternoon, she found yet another deep subject on wihich to talk on. The feeling of being uncomfortable and the fear of being touched as most of us think we dont deserve it.

Most of us left crying . I then went for a coffee with oe of the girls and we had a really good chat. There was only two of us left at 4pm, so i got chance to get to know one of the other girls a bit better as well. It was a very emtional day.

I cried a lot on the train on the way home, i miss being the person i used to be, but i dont know if i can ever find her, i think she is really lost deep inside, and it is really scary to let go of the only thing thats kept me alive, My ed.

I have a headach this morning, but i did sleep ok last night. I might go back to bed for a bit..

Love to ya all.

Dawn xx

How can a good day turn to shit, and vice versa….

I am so fed up of people lying about stuff..

Cheques cans clear as they lie about it, and now i am in arreas for my caravan which I dont even own anymore..

crap hey

fed up fed up fed up fed up fed up

D xx