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Ok, so yeah I am here again.

Feeling really quite depressed actually. Even though things have been going quite ok.

I am trying to eat properly. But there is this aching in the back of my head which is really starting to tick me off.

Anorexia is such a buzz, and I hate to say that I want that buzz back. I went most of the day on Monday without eating, and then again on Tuesday.

I have taken part in this script writing challenge and through this met some people through a group on the internet. I posted last week saying I would try and get to one of their meetings, and this week I finally had the chance.

I am always really really scared in meeting new people and doing new things. Tuesday night and I was really wanting to back out, and just send that message, and become one again a total introvert.

I can’t trust myself and I don’t trust people, no matter how I look on the outside and more to the point in feeling like this I hate myself and feel that everyone else around me will feel like that.

My head tells me all these terrible things, and I just want to curl up and basically cut myself off once again from everyone and everything around me.

Nothing makes this any easier, I am never going to be happy.

I want to start swimming again, but I know this is the anorexia trying to worm its way back in. If I go dancing at the moment I will feel fatter than ever and I cant face that.

I wish things were so easy and I wish that this damned illness never ever existed. But it does, and I have to deal with it.

I know what I have to do. I have three sessions left with Shirley at Cheadle, and I should message her, and get my arse back to someone who I can talk to.

At the moment I feel much worse about myself than I think I have before.

It hurts and it hurts like hell.

Much love everyone.

Dawn

t seems that today can get even worse.
After getting no sleep last night, and having really bad cystitis, then the runs this morning. I get up to go feed the fish, one joy in one day, oh no….

The filter system flooded as soon as i turned the pump off and emptied all the k1 into the bunker. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR- RRRRRRRRRR
Took 3 hours to get most of it out. Rescued a frog too though.
Then I come back in to get breckfast and that sucked big time. I hated every bite and so dont want to eat at the moment.
There sitting under my phone was also a letter from hubby, and not a nice one.

I was the one who went away on Sunday night nearly in tears as he had been fishing all day, so I was alone, and then when he did come home all he could do was moan as something was in his way. There is nothing wrong with him picking at me when its just us, as i hope he is only kidding, but when he bad mouths me to other people thats when it hurts.

Claire was really nice though sunday night and we had a little chat.
He has changed his job and now i dont get to see him at all during the day. I dont even think for one minute he has wondered wether it will affect me or not.
Its not just that, there are other things to, and I am really getting down over it.
One of my friends keeps on going on about her new diet, and that really destroys me. I text my best mate Sian to speak to her, and got no reply, then the day after i find out she ended up in hospital as she was bleeding (6mths pregnant) so she is haveing a week off to rest. The thing is she doesnt even want a visit, how does that make me feel.

Really crap.

I wish E D would make the feelings go away again, make life easier to muddle through. I can pretend I am ok, and carry on with things as they are, but I dont like the way i feel all the time. So down and depressed.

After my cpa last week, and seeing my own new doctor I think i need my meds increasing. I need something to blot out this crap.

I really have tried to get some writing done today, to get this script ready for the compitition, this is a new one, and have turned an old 10 minute script to 30 mins hoping it will get me a chance, the prise is a week in london at film school and £500, could do with that. But now I dont want to.

I upset Paul and I dont mean too. I uspet my friends and I dont mean too. I feel like shit and can do nothing right.

Wish it would all go away……………………………………….- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- ………………………………………… wish i could go away……………

To be seriously honest, all i want to do is scrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaa- aaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

there that felt better…

I am just feeling so low at the moment, and life here sucks big time to.

My grandad was admitted with a brain bleed last wed to hospital, and there isnt much hope.
You know i said I would lose them all within 12mths, and you know i am going to be right… 

All I want to do is to restrict again, get something inside me that makes me feel better. The hunger and its pain is so relieving… all i want is to forget that things around me are so crap…

I have restricted a little tonight… but know I get watched too much at home, and as they are all here, there is no chance of me going without. I managed to get out of having chips though and cooked some rice instead.

I feel so stupid, and so lonley, yet the house is full of people.

Will anything relieve this pain in me…

NO
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

It sucks

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

UMMMMMM

think things are definatly getting a bit crazier round here.

I was supposed to have my cpa on monday, but couldnt go, was up sick all night sunday and then monday morning. Even yesterday something wasnt right.
The pond is coming along pretty well, even though my hubby has got a bit frustrated with it, and the main building works started today, wow, i can tell you… lol, young men with hardly any clothes on… I am a naughty girl…

oh well, cant help but look… am only human after all.

Been working on my latest book a lot, things have really improved there, and I am glad of that, thanks for all the support from the clan…
meant a lot.

I am entering it into a compitition for a novella so am going to fine tune it a lot before dec which is the due date.

My mum and her cat have completly settled in now, and even though things have been a bit weird, its going ok.
Spent much more than we had hoped for, on the bathroom though, and then had to rip up the floor as it was all rotten. The plumber neglected to tell us this, so now we are virtually back to square one, and have no chance of getting our cash back.
Some people just love to rip you off.

i am sure I am getting much fatter even though i probably am not, but I have a good appetite at the moment, and am working hard in the garden so i cant really moan too much. I am sure it is just ed playing games on me, I do keep thinking about going backwards slightly just to see if i can drop a few kilos quickly, but what good would it do really?

Nothing…
grr,

anyways, think things are going ok, am a little stressed out, as privacy has been invded on all levels, but I am sure i will live, got a few months to go yet…

Love to you all. Dawn xx