07/05/09

So yeah blogging is something I do when I am feeling the pits.

Understandable really, no one else can here the inner thoughts I am struggling with other than myself. So to write them down gets rid of some inner pain which other wise can’t get out.

The last couple of days I have felt very ill. Not as in a sickness ill. But Eating disorder realated ill. The thoughts are constant in my mind and the follow through with them has been so much easier.

I wish this crap would go away.

Why is there this vast need in my head to not eat. To feel hunger and to gain comfort in it. What have I ever done in this life or the last few that deserved such utter torment?

I feel like a lost soul and feel this crap will never ever end. I go through stages where I am ok for about 18mths, but the weight slips on and then I am back to square one, there seems to be no in between.

I am either fat or I am starving myself and anorexic.

The more I let my thoughts out the more upset I actually feel. I have text my therapist this morning, and I am hopefully going to see her on the 28th, but inside my head I am now thining. Oh I wonder how much weight I can drop in three weeks. A posibility which really scares me, because I know if I do not eat I will lose more than I ever should in that period of time.

The things which are bothering me at the moment let me think.

I am always worried about money. My husband has this affintiy of spending much more than we ever have. Even though I tell him we don’t want to do those jobs just yet!

I am worried about going on holiday with him for 2 weeks, mostly because I feel like a blob at the moment, and think he will hate me. But other than that i don’t know how to be around him. Its been almost 5 years since we have had a holiday like that. What on Earth am I going to do.

On the good note. Our garden is being started and the level looks amazing. They are tillering it now, and I am pleased it will look ace when it is done.

I am going out today to meet with the screnzy group. I was hoping to meet up with Sian but she is looking after her mum who had a minor op. I think I will enjoy tonight, and not let ed get in the way, although now all I want to do is not go, and just go back to bed and hide for the rest of the day.

I am hungry but I daren’t eat. This is just plain stupid.

Much thoughts to everyone, and sorry for as usual a down post.

Dawn

05/05/08

Lightning

 

I wandered through the forest of my dreams,

lost and all alone.

 

My mind as dark as the the night,

no one aware of my plight.

 

The stars shining above,

seemingly winking at me.

 

I fell at the bottom of a large tree, and waited for the night to engulf me.

 

Tears formed but couldnt flow, just because I could not let go.

 

Then there you were, standing tall.

A vision of beauty, crowned by a single horn.

 

My heart fluttered, as you took tentative steps,

You seemed to know i was under such stress.

 

Tears began to flood my eyes, blurring my sight.

but you gave out this warm guiding light.

 

You stepped up to me, and touched me,

and with that magic you set me free.

 

© 2008 Dawn

By kanundra Posted in poem

04/05/08

Darkened Winter

The darkened clouds seem to grow nearer, as I try and turn away.

The devils wind, seems to pull me closer, as my heart begins to sway.

You want me more and more each day, but you break my heart in every way.

You promised salvation, love and joy, but you weren’t here to stay.

It begins to rain, and the light fades to black.

I cannot see a way forward, only a long way back.

The night invokes great fear in my mind, because all you do is play.

You play on the thoughts and feelings inside, and turn them all to clay.

Nothing moves when you are around,

its just frozen solid to the ground

I lie awake wanting to hear something, but there’s no sound.

I will be forever tied up and bound.

© 2008 Dawn

By kanundra Posted in poem

01/05/08

So, sometimes I cant be bothered to get up and write. but here I am…

Plenty of time for that now I think.

I am looking for a change, moved house, now time to move job…

Day care yesterday was a very interesting one. Seems Shirly isnt ready for me to go down to once a fortnight just yet, she thinks at the present time, I am going through too much to be able to cope with it.
I must admit, wednesday was a bad day, mostly because Paul was working all day and all i could hear my my stupid voice telling me to not eat.
I can say that with some time to relax, i ignored it, and got up and had cereal.
So one major task accomplished this week.
Not to fall backwards when faced with something new.
I did really well.

Yan, came yesterday, and I gotta admit i love this guy to bits he has such a sense of humour, he ripped the plumber who fitted our bathroom over the weekend to bits, and now has to go about fixing this guys mistakes, plus he is fitting a new floor for us bless him.

I think this weekend is going to be really stressful, frank is picking me up after he finishes work and we are going to get the removal van, there we go straight to his to start packing stuff up so we can get them moved on sat, I dont think i am quite ready for it yet, but think i do feel much more prepared for it now.

The house over the week has been gradually cleaned from top to bottom, and i still think my mother will moan….

Oh dear….

Anyways, as for my writing, ummm better get a move on, got another chapter to write i think, then I am done with ‘life is a dream’ major accomplishment, this has been brewing ever since I met Jake all those years ago. My heart still aches for him…

Dawn xxx

01/05/08

Pain hurts, yet I feel nothing.

Words scream at me, yet I hear nothing.

The mirror shows me what is real, but I see nothing.

 

Emotion is strong, yet I block it out.

I want to be free, but I deny everything.

 

I am scared, so I don’t eat.

I am upset, so I don’t eat.

I am everything I hate, so I don’t eat.

 

All I want is to feel, but I can’t.

All I want is to be accepted, but I can’t accept myself.

 

Inside me is a voice, and it wants pain.

Inside me is a voice, who brings nothing but shame

Inside me is a voice, driving me slowly insane.

 

© 2008 Dawn

 

By kanundra Posted in poem