26/10/06

Seeing as the last blog was a bit sad…. thought I would try something positive…?

Have had a good day other than that bit of thinking, have managed to write 6 pages of script which is cool, as haven’t been up to doing much this week.

I like it when the idea have been flowing, makes me feel so much better.

Guess the good and bad stuff has to come out for me to be in a creative mood…

Hope to catch you all soon, am going to watch a DVD now, and have a few drinks, as no work for me tomorrow so I can do lol…

Speak soon…

Eating disorders

so you want to know what it’s like inside the mind of someone who hates themselves like I do…

Well here goes…

I wake up in the morning and cannot bear to think about what will face me in the mirror. It doesn’t matter that I see the same face I have for the last 28 years I see the face my best friend sees. The fat face the face that no one on earth could ever think of loving. The thought of seeing myself, or rather having to see myself makes me feel physically sick sometimes, and I cannot stand the thought that someone would want to touch me or hold me, want to kiss me, or be with me..

First things first, I go to the toilet, knowing that if today I am going to weigh myself then that little bit of water inside my bladder will make me heavier.
Then I step on the scales, my mind a total mess.
Will I weigh more than yesterday? Will I be the same or will I have lost anything.

The way a set of scales depicts the days events makes my skin crawl, the very idea of them makes my stomach turn and I then dread going to bed more than I dread getting up.

Then after the scales there’s picking something to wear. All I want to do most of the time is not be noticed by anyone, to try and hide away from people and the way they look. So I try and pick a thing that doesn’t give me any figure, anything that hides what shape I do or don’t have…

I hate people comments more than anything, the things they think are good when to me they aren’t, ‘Oh haven’t you lost weight’ ‘don’t you look great today’

or the worst ‘You look well’ meaning ‘you look fat’

Everything to me any comment can be taken the wrong way, can make me feel bad, and can make me want to self destruct even more.

It hurts to think, it hurts to feel, and it hurts because I want to and I want to get over this. I want to be free of all the baggage and shit that comes with being abused and used in the past. I want to be free from the inner voice that keeps telling me I am not good enough.

If anyone reads this I want you to know that life with an eating disorder isn’t easy, it’s not a fake illness or an illness that’s looking just for attention. Its something inside that feeds your mind instead of your body.

Everyone needs love and acceptance.

Dawn

25/10/06

 

Well what have I done today, least I got out of bed, feeling much better than I have been cold is eventually going, thankfully…?

Went to Makro and took the hover back as I blew it up on Friday, it was part of a pack so we had to take all three back. Luckily we got a refund, and so went into the shop and got some other stuff.

Then went to get some new glasses in Southport. Mega expensive £350. But least they are cool, as they are designer ones this time. Will def put some new pics up let you all see..

Love to ya all…

Dawn

By kanundra Posted in netlog

24/10/06

 

You have to love yourself before anyone else will. And that’s the worst crime …

I can’t see anything good in me. I don’t see anything nice.

In fact the me I see I loathe and hate,

and I don’t want to be me..

Not anymore.

21/10/06

 

Well how fantastic was last night. Even though there was no bar, lol… My polish girlie friends looked amazing and I decided to wear a dress anyway… he he

although most of them when we got there were only dressed in jeans and tops, how crazy at least I made an effort.
Got loads of pics, and eventually when I get a copy of the film I may get to watch it properly. Paul’s mate John and my friends seemed to enjoy it, and it was one of the better ones out of all 14. At least there was some sort of story behind it and it was really funny everyone laughed…

Anyway, we went into Southport afterwards to Paul’s friends wedding, and as he was a Scotsman they were in their kilts and wow….. Men in skirts they were sooooooo amazing and I was a little typsey lol, kept wanting to lift one up, sorry lads. They did look great though…

Got home at ummm cant remember the time, but went to bed and slept quite well, didn’t have a hangover, and we got up and went into Chorley to do some shopping, got some wine for tonight, cool..

Will catch you soon I hope and keep talking and laughing life does work out sometimes…

Dawn