so you want to know what it’s like inside the mind of someone who hates themselves like I do…
Well here goes…
I wake up in the morning and cannot bear to think about what will face me in the mirror. It doesn’t matter that I see the same face I have for the last 28 years I see the face my best friend sees. The fat face the face that no one on earth could ever think of loving. The thought of seeing myself, or rather having to see myself makes me feel physically sick sometimes, and I cannot stand the thought that someone would want to touch me or hold me, want to kiss me, or be with me..
First things first, I go to the toilet, knowing that if today I am going to weigh myself then that little bit of water inside my bladder will make me heavier.
Then I step on the scales, my mind a total mess.
Will I weigh more than yesterday? Will I be the same or will I have lost anything.
The way a set of scales depicts the days events makes my skin crawl, the very idea of them makes my stomach turn and I then dread going to bed more than I dread getting up.
Then after the scales there’s picking something to wear. All I want to do most of the time is not be noticed by anyone, to try and hide away from people and the way they look. So I try and pick a thing that doesn’t give me any figure, anything that hides what shape I do or don’t have…
I hate people comments more than anything, the things they think are good when to me they aren’t, ‘Oh haven’t you lost weight’ ‘don’t you look great today’
or the worst ‘You look well’ meaning ‘you look fat’
Everything to me any comment can be taken the wrong way, can make me feel bad, and can make me want to self destruct even more.
It hurts to think, it hurts to feel, and it hurts because I want to and I want to get over this. I want to be free of all the baggage and shit that comes with being abused and used in the past. I want to be free from the inner voice that keeps telling me I am not good enough.
If anyone reads this I want you to know that life with an eating disorder isn’t easy, it’s not a fake illness or an illness that’s looking just for attention. Its something inside that feeds your mind instead of your body.
Everyone needs love and acceptance.