Why oh why … Weddings, I do like them but then I hate all the food that’s around, I have to get dressed up nice, and I don’t want to, I hate the fact that its expected of you to perform in such a way.

You have to smile and laugh, and pretend everything is ok, when inside you are dying…

It makes my skin crawl, and yeah I don’t want to go out tonight. I would prefer to stay in. I don’t like being around a lot of people, and I don’t like sharing a lot about myself… believe me it takes a lot for me to talk really to a person.

My best friend Sian can’t even get me to talk sometimes, and even though I really want to I won’t…

I do prefer to write, I can say how I am feeling without all the pretence or the seeing the fact that what I am saying hurts people, yeah I am not feeling good. When you say that to someone who loves you, they get this expression. And even though there is nothing anyone can do or anyone can say to make it better, they still try.

It doesn’t make any difference anyone making any nice comments to me. I don’t believe them, my Ed inside takes away each word and pulls it apart till there’s nothing nice that could have been said. Only bad stuff…

Maybe it does get easier, and I do keep trying, but these events still keep cropping up and I still have to go to them, and then the pretence is all there all over again.

I am what I am I cannot change the person I am. What made me who I am are my experiences and the things that have happened to me.

Bullying… Abuse….

Yeah they are bad words, and maybe I will write more about them soon, it does good to let people out there know what really happens behind closed doors. Or at work.

So suppose I should go and start getting ready for this wedding reception. You never know I could enjoy myself… sometimes I do…

Hope everyone’s sat night will be a good one… and keep smiling. Life is full of great surprises.

Dawn