May 26 2007

26/05/07

What is it with all this spam on here now, with links to porn sites? I see some of the comments off men on their pages.

Can’t you see that these women aren’t real they are just pictures. They have no blogs, and no lives…….

I really want this site to stay friendly and happy but these people are starting to ruin it. On my statistics page all I seem to get at night are these fake people.

Please any real person who is out there, and who can treat me with the respect I deserve. Feel free to contact me.

Anyone else just gets lost….

I am not interested in porn sites. If I want to watch porn I have a DVD player for that…

Anyway rant over.

This weekend has started off on a much better footing than last week. I had a really bad weekend and then an even worse week. For reasons I cant go into as there are a lot of people on here who know me, I was really triggered last week, and haven’t been able to eat or keep anything down apart from a small meal a day, mostly in the morning.

My weight is really dropping and although my Ed inside me is ecstatic, I am really unhappy because it means bad things. Since the beginning of the year I have dropped a lot, and if it carries on then it won’t be long before my family and stuff start to comment again.

I hate the way I feel inside, not being comfortable with who I am or with the way I look.

There aren’t words to describe the utter despair I am feeling right now.

I understand that I was triggered in a bad way and that this week was one of the worst in a while, but to try and eat, to watch other people eat is just killing me right now.

There are some of you, who are my friends what know real hunger, and I mean real hunger, not just because you skipped breakfast and rushed over lunch, I mean when you cant or couldn’t afford to eat.. When the pain inside is ripping you apart, and all you see around you are the things you crave but they are just so out of reach.

For an Ed person, you seem to make these things worse, by cooking for the people around you, the people you love, but you deny yourself everything. Even if you get a smidgen of sauce on your fingers, most people would just lick it off, but we don’t we wash our hands, and still daren’t touch anything.

We go shopping with the intention of buying nothing, and wander round the supermarket just looking at everything, checking the labels to see what’s in it and then being so disgusted of the content and the fact we picked it up, we put it back and walk away. Picking up something else we think is ok just round the corner. You know the feeling of just holding something you crave actually makes you feel better, releases something inside that makes you feel calm but then you turn it round and there is the label again. Nothing is ever what you want it to be… and so we deny everything.

The feeling of control is amazing, but the hurt and pain inside, is crippling.

I aint in a good place at the moment, but I am at least letting the pain out, by talking.

Hope to catch you all soon.

Dawn xxxxxx

 

LATER

26th May

If you think by putting up questionnaires about how sexy you are and if we’d have sex with you will get you noticed, and then you are sooooooo mistaken….

Try writing something with meaning, something about your life and what you do, something funny or something from the heart, you all do have one, am sure of it.

Yeah am sure there are women on here who just love to fill in forms and comment on how sexy you are, but really, all we want is someone who can hold a good conversation and someone who can make us laugh…

Some girls are just the same for posting up these things, why….

I just don’t get it.

I really am on one aint I today; I just feel there is so much more out there to write about, and to hear about…

Take care of yourselves all of you, Im off out to try and cheer myself up, sometimes this place is really depressing…

Oh and thanks to all whom have talked to me today or signed my guestbook.

Dawn x

May 10 2007

10/05/07

 

Wow, am feeling a bit shit as usual, eaten only three things today,
banana kiwi, and a bit of a pancake. Crap hey, I know. Everyone is getting at me, I am trying but at the moment, I don’t want to eat much I go through stages like this. I am trying to discover who I am, and what I want, and I want a lot, and need to be who I am at this point, I am not scared or feeling really down, I am just me at this point in my life, is that bad?

Have a great evening all, Dawn xxxx

May 8 2007

08/05/07

 

Yeah it’s miserable in work at the moment, but hey, it will get better I hope.

I have put in a claim against my company for when I fell over and broke my hand. I am hoping that having a solicitor on their case will make them do the health and safety jobs I have asked them to… Yeah right, and I am dreaming…

Anyways, had a bit of a crap day, never ate much and when I got home felt awful, am going camping in a few weeks, and the need to look my best is doing my head in, I am only camping for goodness sake but my ed is telling me I cant eat until after the holiday.

Last week it was because Paul was going away and then was away, will it ever end…

I have tried to eat a little tonight, and have done some exercise, but not too much, I only do toning excersises now, as anything else I get obsessed with.

I love swimming, but can’t do it unless I go seven days a week for an hour or more, and it really wasn’t doing me any good.

I also have some other news, after writing to our local paper about the polish workers in our area I have had a response, maybe they will do a story for me, I hope so. As the girls I work with are amazing and the woman they work for is a bitch.

I will post it up after this what I wrote, please read as it’s not nice what they have to put up with.

Dawn xx

 

8th May

I am writing to you regarding abuse of Polish workers in our local area, by a company called.
I do not know all of the law regarding workers in our country but I know when people are being taken advantage of.

I have a friend who was working for this company, (now she is just working with me not for them ) She broke her leg in 10th November 2006 and the agency she was working for paid her sick pay, but then still had to pay for her accommodation and travel to work £42.50 when she wasn’t even going to work.
Some of her friends who were working over Christmas were forced to work 100 hours plus in one week, one guy 110 hours, in one week, when he said ‘no he was tired’ she said ‘no you must or you will go back to Poland’ This man and my friend were forced to work in terrible conditions. My friend’s leg was only just out of cast and she was forced to work in one day 16hours, when she asked could she go home, she told ‘No’ that week she worked nearly 70 hours.
They are only paid minimum wage at £5.05 (not sure of last year) and this is for the full 70 hours, they do not get time and a half, and sometimes if they don’t understand about their clocking on card they don’t get paid at all.

Also if you don’t do what is asked and you do go home, via any means you can, you are left the following week without enough work for you to even pay for your accommodation.

And sometimes they really don’t get paid, at least until the following week. A young mother last year wanted to go home to visit her young children and because she didn’t get her wages couldn’t go, and continued to work until she was paid, only because she wanted to keep her job open, and not cause any problems.

The accommodation they live in is awful, they live in caravans at the back of this large farm, the caravans most of them have 2 bedrooms, but actually sleep 6-10 people. These people who are strangers, start work each at different times come home at different times. The caravans have holes in them, and are rotting and they aren’t provided with anything in them, they visit our local car boot sales to try and get by.
When they make friends in the places they work, they aren’t allowed visitors, and boyfriends are a definite no.

They do have houses in which some of them can live. I haven’t been in any of the houses, but I do know, a young girl who worked with us last year, was told the house she was in wasn’t a public house, after her boy friend came to visit, so she moved out.
I would like this investigated because these people should not be allowed to take other peoples lives and force them into working when they really can’t, i.e.: too tired, what if something happened to them in work near a machine…. It really isn’t fair.
These people have families in Poland and in England with them, and they are being treated like slaves, I thought England was beyond things like this.

Anybody any ideas,

 

May 6 2007

06/05/07

 

Yeah Paul went away on Wednesday morning and I went off to work a little sad but ok.

I hadn’t heard from Sian all day so text her to see if she was up for meeting still and as usual I was let down. I know and understand sometimes things are hard work and you do forget things, but sometimes it is too important to forget.

Last time Paul went away I ended up in hospital after an attempted suicide, I was alone and scared and couldn’t cope basically. I was scared of it being the same this time around. I thought she understood this, and was going to be there for me, obviously not.

Luckily family are always there to help out, and I was staying with my mum anyway, so I had some tea, which of course came straight back up, had a shower and watched some tv, I did think my other friend Kate was going to let me down for Thursday, but she managed to get to come and stay with me, on the thurs night, after work.

We went on the motorbike up to parbold hill and had something to eat in the pub, I did ok managed to eat most of it and keep it down.

But on the Friday when going to town her mum fed me too and I really felt awful, panicked a little but wasn’t sick again.

We went horse riding, which was sooo scary haven’t been for years, but I want to go every week now and get used to it. The horse I had was funny and wouldn’t budge when I wanted him to.

Kate did ok, not sure if she understood the teacher too much…

Had a barby last night, went across to a friends, had a laugh and a late night.

Today not done a lot, watched a lot of telly caught up on my programs I missed this week, and am now chatting to some friends.

I did ok without Paul, I would like to try it on my own next time, I am sure I would never do anything like that again.

Sure someday I am down and feel awful and shitty about everything, but I also have to give myself time to grow, and get used to being me again….

Hope everyone is ok,

Love Dawn xxx

 

Apr 26 2007

26/04/07

 

Yeah am so happy have had such a busy week, it’s been great. I have drank a lot, been out a lot, also scrubbed and cleaned my caravan from top to bottom, now it looks like new, and now, I am getting ready for a great part over the weekend.

Having a barbeque and a few friends over so should be good. Am looking forward to it, hope everyone else is doing loads of things and having fun.

Take care all.
Dawn xx