26/05/07

What is it with all this spam on here now, with links to porn sites? I see some of the comments off men on their pages.

Can’t you see that these women aren’t real they are just pictures. They have no blogs, and no lives…….

I really want this site to stay friendly and happy but these people are starting to ruin it. On my statistics page all I seem to get at night are these fake people.

Please any real person who is out there, and who can treat me with the respect I deserve. Feel free to contact me.

Anyone else just gets lost….

I am not interested in porn sites. If I want to watch porn I have a DVD player for that…

Anyway rant over.

This weekend has started off on a much better footing than last week. I had a really bad weekend and then an even worse week. For reasons I cant go into as there are a lot of people on here who know me, I was really triggered last week, and haven’t been able to eat or keep anything down apart from a small meal a day, mostly in the morning.

My weight is really dropping and although my Ed inside me is ecstatic, I am really unhappy because it means bad things. Since the beginning of the year I have dropped a lot, and if it carries on then it won’t be long before my family and stuff start to comment again.

I hate the way I feel inside, not being comfortable with who I am or with the way I look.

There aren’t words to describe the utter despair I am feeling right now.

I understand that I was triggered in a bad way and that this week was one of the worst in a while, but to try and eat, to watch other people eat is just killing me right now.

There are some of you, who are my friends what know real hunger, and I mean real hunger, not just because you skipped breakfast and rushed over lunch, I mean when you cant or couldn’t afford to eat.. When the pain inside is ripping you apart, and all you see around you are the things you crave but they are just so out of reach.

For an Ed person, you seem to make these things worse, by cooking for the people around you, the people you love, but you deny yourself everything. Even if you get a smidgen of sauce on your fingers, most people would just lick it off, but we don’t we wash our hands, and still daren’t touch anything.

We go shopping with the intention of buying nothing, and wander round the supermarket just looking at everything, checking the labels to see what’s in it and then being so disgusted of the content and the fact we picked it up, we put it back and walk away. Picking up something else we think is ok just round the corner. You know the feeling of just holding something you crave actually makes you feel better, releases something inside that makes you feel calm but then you turn it round and there is the label again. Nothing is ever what you want it to be… and so we deny everything.

The feeling of control is amazing, but the hurt and pain inside, is crippling.

I aint in a good place at the moment, but I am at least letting the pain out, by talking.

Hope to catch you all soon.

Dawn xxxxxx

 

LATER

26th May

If you think by putting up questionnaires about how sexy you are and if we’d have sex with you will get you noticed, and then you are sooooooo mistaken….

Try writing something with meaning, something about your life and what you do, something funny or something from the heart, you all do have one, am sure of it.

Yeah am sure there are women on here who just love to fill in forms and comment on how sexy you are, but really, all we want is someone who can hold a good conversation and someone who can make us laugh…

Some girls are just the same for posting up these things, why….

I just don’t get it.

I really am on one aint I today; I just feel there is so much more out there to write about, and to hear about…

Take care of yourselves all of you, Im off out to try and cheer myself up, sometimes this place is really depressing…

Oh and thanks to all whom have talked to me today or signed my guestbook.

Dawn x

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