Yeah Paul went away on Wednesday morning and I went off to work a little sad but ok.

I hadn’t heard from Sian all day so text her to see if she was up for meeting still and as usual I was let down. I know and understand sometimes things are hard work and you do forget things, but sometimes it is too important to forget.

Last time Paul went away I ended up in hospital after an attempted suicide, I was alone and scared and couldn’t cope basically. I was scared of it being the same this time around. I thought she understood this, and was going to be there for me, obviously not.

Luckily family are always there to help out, and I was staying with my mum anyway, so I had some tea, which of course came straight back up, had a shower and watched some tv, I did think my other friend Kate was going to let me down for Thursday, but she managed to get to come and stay with me, on the thurs night, after work.

We went on the motorbike up to parbold hill and had something to eat in the pub, I did ok managed to eat most of it and keep it down.

But on the Friday when going to town her mum fed me too and I really felt awful, panicked a little but wasn’t sick again.

We went horse riding, which was sooo scary haven’t been for years, but I want to go every week now and get used to it. The horse I had was funny and wouldn’t budge when I wanted him to.

Kate did ok, not sure if she understood the teacher too much…

Had a barby last night, went across to a friends, had a laugh and a late night.

Today not done a lot, watched a lot of telly caught up on my programs I missed this week, and am now chatting to some friends.

I did ok without Paul, I would like to try it on my own next time, I am sure I would never do anything like that again.

Sure someday I am down and feel awful and shitty about everything, but I also have to give myself time to grow, and get used to being me again….

Hope everyone is ok,

Love Dawn xxx