Hey nothing much is going on really, just everything is going wrong still. Paul is still off work and there are’nt many signs of us getting any money soon, this is really heartbreaking, and I am so frustrated.

My dads mum was taken into hospital on saturday and I am just fed up. Fed up isnt the word for it actually, I cant describe how I am feeling.

Once again everything is bad, and the only person I can blame is me, no one else its all my falut and I deserve all this,

Y do I deserve all this.

I dont, but I feel so awful.

I applied for a new job in the factory that I work, and today got the outcome of my interview and everything, I dodnt get it. It was given to some one with more experience. Fair enough.

The voices in my head are telling me that y would I get the job anyways I wouldnt even fit behind the desk, let alone be able to cope with the pressure,

Uggggghhhhh, shut up you stupid ED.

It hurts so much inside me at the moment, I am crying but without any tears. No one seems to care…. its driving me totally crazy,

I know people care, yet I just dont feel it, I dont seem to be able to feel anything at the moment.

Despite all that is going on and that the voices in my head are so strong, I aint listening to them, I am still fighting ed back with all my might, he will not win, but they are strong, and it would be just so so easy.

I wish things were so different for all of us, I wish there wasnt such a word as Ed.

Love and hugs,

Dawn

Xxxxxxxx

I am finding it real hard this week to fight everything.

It has been one thing after another, after another, and these voices in my head are really bugging me to give in and let ed take over completly.

Paul was in a accident on the 26th his birthday of all days, he is ok, so I thank god for that, but its the aftermath you know, the car is a write off, we have no money once again, and no one around me really seems to notice this pressure here on me, the fact that everyone still demands my time, I cant cope with it all, I want to please everyone but I cant,

Paul is going to be off work a while longer yet, and I am so so tired, so tired of fighting,

My mum and my nan keep getting on an on at us for selling our van dropping the price of it so we end up in a council place, but we would have nothing, no furniture, I just dont know what to do.

If we carry on and struggle through the nxt two years the van is ours and we own nothing, but they cant see it, they just see that we are broke now, and cant afford to eat or pay our bills, we maange most of the time, but so many things have happened this year all ready that have caused us a back log of stuff,

Anyways moan over for now,

Dawn xx

18:18

I am finding it real hard this week to fight everything.

It has been one thing after another, after another, and these voices in my head are really bugging me to give in and let ed take over completly.

Paul was in a accident on the 26th his birthday of all days, he is ok, so I thank god for that, but its the aftermath you know, the car is a write off, we have no money once again, and no one around me really seems to notice this pressure here on me, the fact that everyone still demands my time, I cant cope with it all, I want to please everyone but I cant,

Paul is going to be off work a while longer yet, and I am so so tired, so tired of fighting,

My mum and my nan keep getting on an on at us for selling our van dropping the price of it so we end up in a council place, but we would have nothing, no furniture, I just dont know what to do.

If we carry on and struggle through the nxt two years the van is ours and we own nothing, but they cant see it, they just see that we are broke now, and cant afford to eat or pay our bills, we maange most of the time, but so many things have happened this year all ready that have caused us a back log of stuff,

Anyways moan over for now,

Dawn xx

I am struggling so so so much there is nothing anyone can do only me,

We had to have our cat put to sleep on thursday, he was 2 years old, and adorable. He contracted an illness called FIP, which can spread from cat to cat.

We had thought he was a little sick, he had had worms the week before and never seemed to get any better after worming, he was losing weight and not eating a lot, so we decided an overhaul was the best thing, we took our other cat Spooky too.

The vet examined him and said he was in a very bad way, his liver wasnt working properly and she thought he may have either had a tumor or an allergic reaction to the worming tablets.

Typsey was sent straight to their bigger practice where he was given an xray of his stomach and he had blood taken.

Two hours later we gets a phone call, its this FIP ( I went to animal school and I’d never heard of it) It infects the cat and the cat cannot fight it, basically all his internal organs were finally shutting down.  There was treatment to keep him alive for perhaps another few weeks but it wasn’t worth hurting him anymore, you could see the sadness in his eyes.

Paul was with him when he went to sleep, I couldnt be there.

On thursday my best friend <st1:place>Sian</st1:place> came up to comfort me, she bought me a lovely gift, a necklace and a bottle of wine. Both went down a treat.

I know drinking isnt the answer but it helped me get to sleep. I woke up fri morning though in such pain, I had the runs and then when I tried to have a drink I started to vomit. YUK drunk I was and I felt it.

I can normally drink much more than a bottle of wine but with not eating much all day as I was too upset I think it just went to me head.

I cannot think of a worse year in my entire life.

We went to see my nan who is in hospital on Fri night, and she is in a bad way, the doc’s dont seem to know what to do. I don’t think they can do anything.

My mum then rang me with the test results of her Xray. There is no change. How can there be no change she should be getting better from phunmonia surley its been two months. She said it could be scarring on her lungs so she has to see a specialist next week.

I just wish things would get easier you know, everything is just such a mess, I dont know where I am anymore.

Ed is calling me and I dont want to go back, but its getting so hard.

Umm I think this post is very very long. I should go,

Love ya all.

Dawn

xxx

Hi everyone,

Just to let you all know, my mum was taken into hospital on monday, she started with a pain on sat in her back, and it just seemed to get worse and worse, she couldnt move. She has had 3 bad chest infections in the last two months, and this one has been diagnosed as phumonia, now turned into septacemia, I been to see her tonight and she looks just the same, my little ol’mum, but she looks week and so so tired, really drained, I feel awful, you know how it is, life gets in the way of so many things, and the people we love the most, we also sometimes neglect the most.

I am finding it very tough this week not to think really bad things about myself and my sad life, but I have also been fighting it so hard, I have just been given the release and something like this knocks me for six,

I came home from the hospital on tues, crying, I felt so sad, I need my mum so much, yet I didnt even know, and I guess I do now…

So many bad things went through my mind on tues, Paul was out with his mate, and I was alone with a bottle of wine, I tried to ring a friend, but there was no answer, she been away for a few days, as a holiday. so I tried another friend and no answer.

I did good though, I didnt give in even though there was no one to talk to, I kept my head held high and I didnt let ed in. I had about half my wine, tucked up in bed, watched some telly and went to sleep.

Today now its easter, I have some time off and I can spend some more time at the hospital too. Frank mums hubby is going fishing with mine tomorrow, so I got the time to myself, I will enjoy it.

Please even though sometimes we dont get on with our families and our mums, remember how special they are and how much we would miss them if they werent here.

Hope you are all okay,

Huge hugs going out to you all

Dawn

xxxx