Well last night was a big let down, I spent all afternoon preparing and cooking our meal, hubby came home and his friend John turned up on time, but my friends got stuck in southport and couldnt get a taxi, and by the time they turned up at gone 8, Paul and his mate had eaten and gone..

I didnt have any as it was too late for me and I was upset.

Anyway, they had some fun laughing at some of my pics, even though Sylvia couldnt understand my film lost innocence, she watched it and said it was good ‘YEY’

I think these tablets the doc put me on to make me sleep are having a weird effect on me though, I have an awful headace, and just want to curl up and go sleep… anyway.. I did I came home from work at 12 and went to bed, lol, paul was fishing so I had the space and time, to get some well earned kip.

Tonight, am just going to open a bottle of wine, and chill out….

D
xx 

Well what a laugh today was, work is soooo boring, and there is one guy thats been doing me head in all day, why oh why…

lol, anyways am having my polish girlie friends over for dinner and drinks tonight so that should be great fun, am looking forward to it, they came here and cooked for me last time, lol in my own home, it was a bit strange watching someone else cook in your kitchen but the dish they made was amazing, shame I had drunk too much vodka to appreciate it too much, but there was loads for the next day lol.

Anyways, I ran out of something i need, so just popping the shop, catch you in a bit, love to you all.

Ps any new friends out there fancy chatting.

Dawn

So today has been ok, have done lots of hard work, umm and oh yeah, went to the doctors too, and got some more pills for my acid stomach, we had a good chat about how I was feeling, as she is really nice and always asks about everything… I told her about my not sleeping and that I was having nightmares because of the images that were in the link that girls sent me, and she asked me to explain how and why I was feeling like that.

I tried to explain that it didnt matter how I looked on the outside that I could still see that 20 stone woman looking back at me, I told her that at the moment, I am feeling so bad about it that I am really thinking about turning back to ed, and that means letting him win, and I was doing so well.

She wanted to give me time off work but that wouldnt help, so I will go back and see her again in two weeks… I am hoping things will have settle down by then, and maybe I will be feeling a bit better.

I really wish that I could see the person everyone says that I am but I just dont. I hate the fact that this really is ruining my life…

Dont worry I aint going to give up I have been much worse than this.

D

2^nd October

Well today was looking to be rather boring, but of course when you work with such beautiful and amazing girls, then it cant be boring can it. I have been getting texts off a lady called sylvia who is a friend of Kate’s (My second best bud) and they have been in polish, so I have had a laugh trying to translate them and then of course reply back in polish, which isnt too easy. Yeah I have lots of books and can understand a lot of spoken polish but not via text so its been funny.

There has been a new guy start today and both Monika and kate, have been quizzing me about him like as if I know, so I asked the supervisor about him and it was funny as he didnt even know anything.

Its also been sad, as my mate Mark is leaving, and it definatly wont be the same without him.

He is a fellow film maker and he has been a great help in everything I have done. I am hoping he will stay in touch but you never know…

Anyways I am off out in a bit to my polish friends for coffee. Sylvia has been texting me about it all day so wouldnt want to dissapoint her, and anyways hubby goes out on mondays so so will I?

Catch you all later xxx

Later

Well decided not to go out tonight, as I have had a rough day ed wise, and if I aint had a good day then hubby says its not good for me to go running round.

The thing thats pissing me off is that a friend of mine sent me a link to a site, to try and help me recover and it was a link to a pro anna site and it didnt help at all, I spent all afternoon looking at those stupid pictures of really skinny women and I just felt awful. I know I aint ever going to be that skinny, but it doesnt stop the ed feeding off the pictures and making me want to try…..

Stupid Stupid woman….

I am really angry with my friend and when I told her so, all she did was then further damage our friendship by showing all my posts and the site to her fiance who doesnt have a clue what is triggering or not, and the mails were private anyway.

He now says that I was looking for someone to blame for me feeling bad, and that I am in the wrong…..

I am just so pissed off with her and myself for letting it get to me..

Am I so bad that I dont deserve to be happy and to feel good about everything I am doing and to be happy with me.

I seem to do so well, nearly 11 mths Ive been in recovery and now I am back to square one.

I am so depressed about it…… 

Well just got home and am about to chill out for the day…

Last night was good as don’t get to see my mum that often, even though I had a mega headache when I got there I took some pills and it seemed to settle. Then went onto red wine, and got a little bit pissed, at least I slept good though, as haven’t done all week.

Been pretty tough since the car accident in April, so will be glad when the final cheque comes, and we have cash in our pockets and I don’t have to work overtime.

Hope to get some writing done today, but since I am here writing this um maybe I wont, oops. I will get told off again. Oh well never mind.

D
xx

Well having such a good afternoon, nodded off in the chair… lol. now am awake and working again…

Hubby’s gone to bed with the cat, so dont think I will see him for a bit, so now am going to learn some more polish and decide whats for dinner. My oh my whats a girl to do…