Posted on FS

Hello everyone, been a while really, but have been having a rough time, so tend to keep away.

Umm where do I start, well for those of you who don’t know me, I have been struggling with my ed for nearly 15 years, and have had a lot of counselling though out this period, but at the beginning of the year seemed to hit a bad patch again, had a couple of accidents which left my esteem at rock bottom, and couldn’t shift the depression, after going back to my doctor and asking for some extra help, I was passed from pillar to post, for a while.

At first there were a few things that triggered the Ed back into place, a friend of mine confided in me about her abusive past and it really upset me, brought back some bad memories that I couldn’t shake.

I also then found it hard to be around her, and as I worked with her it was difficult, basically for a while I was doing a lot of things with her to try and help her, almost every week, and because of a few miss understood texts our friendship begun to deteriorate, which was tough for me, as she kept on hassling me for a while, things have settled down a bit, although she doesn’t fully understand what I am going through she has at least tried to be there now, which is much better.

I lost my nan a couple of months ago to, which put extra pressure on our whole family, it was expected but still the shock of it actually happening makes us feel and act in ways we don’t really understand. I became very angry with a lot of people around me, and couldn’t express how I was feeling so began to shut everyone out, and then Ed got hold of me good style. And I listened to everything he said…

I haven’t felt this bad for so long, and I haven’t let him get hold of me like this in a long time, it really sucks.

Anyways, I got an appointment through with the Eating disorder unit inManchesterlast week and attended it, I saw a lovely woman Dr Sharma who asked a million questions of which I told the truth to, no point in lying it doesn’t get you any where.

She suggested I see someone up here on a regular basis again, even if it’s just to talk through some of my feelings, and she wants me to attend day care for while inManchester. Doing so would be good for me I think at this time, but I can’t do it, it means time off work and staying inManchester, as I can’t cope with the driving or travel on trains at the moment, my concentration is really bad.

I went back to see my own gp on Wednesday this week and we discussed anti depressants again, as I spoke to Dr Sharma about them in detail, I said I would give them another go, and have since started to take Flouroxatine again. Hoping they will at least calm some of me down, but with taking tablets comes side effects, and my appetite which was low, now has gone even lower, plus I am clenching my jaw in the night again, (something I do out of stress) and I cant open my mouth. grrr, I do have a soft plate I can put over my teeth to help make the impact on them a bit easier so I will have to start wearing it again.

Anyway seeing as Sarah has already said something I do have some positive things going on in my life.

I took part last year in a programme run by a company called First Take in Liverpool, which involved writing and making a short film, ‘Mother knows best’ written by my close friend Sian Dawson, and I have been asked to take part in another project in October this year. I have also sent off some of my work to an agency in New York, of which they are wanting to represent me, now here it gets a bit sceptical, as they are asking for an independent written critique to be done, of which will cost me about £60, I am not one for fussing over money, but I have been caught out when I was much younger by what they call vanity publishers, who praise your work and then hit you with a big bill. So am unsure as to what to do.

Realistically its not much more than some publishing companies asking for a reading fee, or asking for a critique to be done in the first place, so I am willing to have one done anyways, they are wanting me to sign a contact for 12 mths and am also willing for that, after all they would make so much more money in actually selling work than charging £60. They receive 10% of what you get.

So am a little unsure and nervous of a few things at the moment, and my eating is defiantly getting worse, I don’t want to succumb to it, but feel at this point I don’t have much fight in me….

I hope everyone is doing ok, and am sorry I have been away for so long, take care all you are never forgotten…

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

😦

So thought I would leave a little message as we are almost ready to go, first to the eating disorder unit in Manchester, of which I am dreading…. 😦 😦 😦

I am scared in case they really don’t think they can help me, I am scared in case of everything.

Things are making me feel so low lately, even the messages here, from people who I now know care about me, and are my friends, make me cry, I cant help feeling like this, that I am so bad, and that no one, should ever bother with me.

But I do know it’s the illness I suffer with as well, everything about me at the moment, is dictated by food, and I hate it more than anything… The whole thought of it is killing me.

Yesterday I think was one of my worst days, I had nothing but time to think about things, and food was at the pinnacle of my mind.

To be so hungry and yet deny yourself everything is the most annoying and stupid thing ever, but I don’t know why, I have to. It’s like a button has been switched on in my head, and at the moment, that’s my punishment.

I wish it could all be different, I wish that I didn’t have this thing inside me that wanted me to suffer so much.

I am sure I am not that bad a person, that my life will one day mean something, and that all of this is worthwhile.

For Neo and Nex, I wanted to say a big thank you. From the start both of you have been a great support, and no matter where the two of you are in the world, you are two of the most wonderful and nicest people I have ever had the privilege of meeting. One day I know I will get to meet you both….

For Stewart and the clan, you are some of the most gifted people I know, as writers and as friends; I thank you for all your support to.

Martin, well what can I say, each time I have spoken to you, you have managed to make me smile, and laugh, and I am thankful for your friendship especially.

For everyone else, some of who I have only just met, I still want to say thanks.

Please all have a wonderful weekend, and do something nice for the people you love. (Or have them do something for you) heheheh

Take care all, and I will catch you later.

Dawn xxx

Hey everyone.

Just a quick report, been a long day, and thanks to all my friends this week who have been dropping by, means a lot… specially nex and her other half…. Lycanguyver, clare, Hannah, and a few others.

Today has been ok, felt a bit wobbly this morning, haven’t eaten much at all this week, and believe me the scales are telling me so to, at this rate in 10 weeks I will be at my lowest weight again, and I know that’s not good news.

I also self harmed a little this week, which is really bad.

When I feel so low, and can’t get the thought out of my head, I can only fight it for so long. It’s like thinking of food. It haunts my every waking second, and even in the night, too. I had several bad dreams last night, which then kept me awake, so I am even more exhausted.

I also have been horse riding again, for 45 mins this time, and with cantering to, really I shouldn’t have done, as I wasn’t up for it, but I couldn’t let them Michelle down, and I do really enjoy it.

I went for a drink with my friend but never got much chance to talk about me, she never stopped talking about other things, but I think that’s just as she hasn’t seen me properly for a while, I won’t leave it for long before I speak properly about myself, but then again, why should I?

I think the only people I am honest with are you guys here, and my friendSian, and even then talking to her takes some doing.

Paul of course knows how bad it is, but I don’t really talk to him about it on a day to day basis.

I know when I see the doctor for my assessment next week I am going to be honest. I have to be, which is hard but I know I have to do it.

Anyways, one good thing I have been accepted to go on the 12th of October for the next filming project, so fingers crossed I will pull something out of my hat, and I will get a little further this time. Maybe they will make my film instead of my friends.

Sianwont be there as she is to busy but I can and will stand on my own two feet.

Off for a few drinks now, and a good nights rest, am really going to do nothing tomorrow apart from clean and do some brainstorming on ideas for short films…………..

Take care all. Love ya

Dawn xxxxxxxx

Yes am not on to a good week.

Got my letter from the hospital, and have to go next Friday, so am already getting nervous, I hate going to places like that, but if I want to get help then I have to.

I had a friend put a lot of pressure on me over the weekend, and I am going to have to sort this problem out, as it’s not getting any easier. No matter how I say ‘can I please have some space, I am sick at the moment,’ she just doesn’t get it. And the stupidity of it was she wanted to take me to an all you can eat Chinese buffet this week, and then had the nerve to tell me I couldn’t say no.

Well I did say no, that’s for sure, I am going to see her this Friday and am going to have to say something. I know she wants to see me, but come on; she just isn’t getting the picture…

Had another letter today as well. Got an invite from first take, to go for an interview in October, for their next filming project.

I am unsure as to whether I can get time off for it, but I am going to try…

Hope everyone else’s week is better than mine…

Love Dawn xx

Well today has been interesting, had a fall out in work, and then went the pub at dinner, only had a shandy but still felt typsey. Then went horse riding, which was great, I was on dimple again, and was bounced all over the place, lol…

Am going again next week, for a little longer, so we can get used to cantering, lol, it is great fun.

Michelle actually got to come round for a coffee as she had a day off, so was real nice to talk to her, seeing as I ride with her but don’t yet know her, lol…

Anyways she is lovely, and can actually see us getting away next year for a weekend riding, it really will be a laugh, she def has a giggle on her. Wondering what she is like on a night out, heheheheheh. Fun I think…

Anyways, thank you to everyone, who reads my blogs, and takes the time to reply. Means a lot.

Still aint doing great but hanging in there, and some of the people here, make it just that bit easier….

((((hugs))))) To you all…..
Dawn xx