Editing and my first page… :)

I wanted to share today how working with E.J changed my first page.

E.J asked me why I started my story there. My answer… because it ‘seemed’ the best place. It might change again yet. 🙂

 

Apparently I ‘Tell’ very well, but I don’t ‘Show’ enough. I can’t totally blame my lack of schooling for this, because I’ve read and read ‘how’ to books and been to college. But things sometimes don’t click with me.

This is what I had first written.  (teaser alert) lol

 

——————————— Extract from The Secret King – The Beginning – Chapter One – Evacuation

 

Kendro eased himself into his favourite chair. It creaked just as it always did and he wished he could take it with him. His office, empty, didn’t resemble home anymore. Sadness washed over him. It was over and they had to leave everything but their prized possessions behind.

The handmade wooden desk before him had been in his family for generations and he ran his hand along its surface until he found a tiny dent. He frowned and remembered the day he’d made that hole. The day Admiral Broki confirmed the fate of their Sun and he’d dropped a hot steaming mug of tea over everything. Now apart from the desk and set of chairs nothing else cluttered the room. All his belongings had been moved to the mother-ship. The furniture here deemed unimportant. Although why he’d deemed it unimportant shook him. These objects were a part of his history.

Resting his head in his arms, he closed his eyes just for a brief moment of thought. Were they going to survive the incredible journey ahead? Could they leave their solar system and their enemy the Zefron far behind them? He hoped so, or they wouldn’t have a future at all. His breathing slowed and he had to shake himself, to keep awake. He had to be strong enough to fight it off, at least for another twelve hours or so. He hadn’t had any sleep at all since the day he ordered the evacuation to begin, and he had started to feel the strain of being constantly awake. Sleep beckoned to him, but he fought it once again.

————————————-

With some work, this is what we ended up with. E.J helped me to understand the difference. And I know why I tend to tell instead of show. In script writing it is drummed into us to get rid of any words ending with an ‘ing’…  In novel writing I need to learn to embrace them.

 

——————————— NEW extract from The Secret King – The Beginning – Chapter One – Evacuation

 

Kendro eased himself into his favourite chair for the last time. Its joints creaked just as they always did; yet some things had to be sacrificed. His office, empty, didn’t resemble home anymore. Sadness washed over him. Life here was over. They must leave everything behind, even prized possessions.

The handmade wooden desk sprawled before him; in his family for generations, the history it must have witnessed. He ran his hand along its surface until he found the tiny dent. Remembering the day he’d made that hole, a year ago. The day Admiral Broki confirmed the fate of their Sun. Kendro’d dropped a hot mug of tea over everything. The electronics of the huge desk sparked and crackled, a preview of the fate of the planet once the sun fed on itself; nothing would survive.

Now apart from the desk and set of chairs nothing else cluttered the room. All his belongings had been moved to the mother-ship. The furniture here deemed unimportant. Although why he’d deemed them unimportant shook him. These objects were a part of his history.

Resting his head in his arms, Kendro closed his eyes for just a brief moment of thought. His people must survive this incredible journey ahead. Could they leave their solar system and their enemy the Zefron far behind them? He hoped so, or they wouldn’t have a future at all.

His breathing slowed and he shook himself, to keep awake. He had to be strong enough to fight, to remain functional for at least another twelve hours. Awake for three days now, no sleep at all since he ordered the evacuation, Kendo felt the strain of being conscious too long. Sleep beckoned, but he fought it once again.

——————————-

 

The difference is quite amazing isn’t it?

 

I’ve had fin this weekend. Researching and learning, and more importantly for me, trying to implement the lessons I learned with E.J.

 

I gave it my best shot and although I’m not comfortable just yet with the ‘ing’ words, I can see and feel why they make things better.

 

This might take me a little longer than I first planned. But, I will get there.  🙂

I wanted to ‘show’ you all what the difference working with someone makes to your work. And at present, I am thrilled to be working with someone who is patient, professional and brilliant.

 

Huge thanks to E.J 🙂 Please check her out…. http://ejrunyon.wordpress.com/ but don’t all try and nab her at once…. lol

 

Happy writing all.

 

Dawn 🙂 x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

5 comments on “Editing and my first page… :)

    • Thanks for the comment. I agree. For me scriptwriting comes so easy, I struggle a tad bit more with story writing, even though I studied it so much.

      🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s