Rough day… :(

It has been a difficult day, I won’t tell any lies. This may be triggering or upsetting for some, so please don’t read if you’re feeling vulnerable (like me)

I’ll post the good stuff first. The writing stuff.

Best Friends has had over 31,000 video views 🙂 that is awesome stuff.

On my novel TSK I got my feedback from my good friend and co writer Steven. So, now I am in the process of working though what he said, and working on what I need to do for the sake of the novel. 🙂

I’m excited about this, and I am excited to be working closer with my nice animator friend too.

I will work over all my processes at the weekend. 🙂

I am happy with this side of my life at the moment, its just the rest…

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So the real stuff. The in my head stuff.

Being recovered is good, but being totally recovered. Nope, it is sometimes a constant battle with your head. Especially at this time of year.

I am talking in the general ‘food and January sense’…

Most ‘normal people’ Who can eat everything and anything they want too and don’t worry about it, won’t quite understand me here, but Christmas and January are especially tough times for those of us who have had and do suffer with eating disorders.

I say this because of all the ‘start your diet now’ adds,

Also for me in my job, it’s every single customer who comes to buy their lunch from my van. ‘What have you got that’s healthy?’ ‘I’m on a diet, where’s the fruit?’ 😦 sucks…

The TV, the radio, everything is bad at this time of year. No wonder I hate it so much.

Yikes.

I think its affected me more this last week because hubby was weighed at his last check up and he’s put on 7lb, I was dreading seeing the nurse today for mine.

In one sense I really tried to eat ‘right’ before Xmas, and I had dropped a bit and was feeling okay. But over the hols, with all those Xmas dinners, I put on 1lb.

A 1lb isn’t a lot of weight I know this, I understand it totally. It’s a pint of water. A trip to the loo, anything… I shouldn’t be upset. Yet, here I am. uggggghhhhhhh

Since I was discharged from Cheadle hospital, I have yo yo’d a lot. I’ve been heavier than this, but it isn’t the heaviest I’ve been in my life either.

Both our problem’s aren’t so much the ‘junk food’ we eat, I don’t normally eat it period. (cept xmas) paul does like some chocolate and stuff. But I am pretty careful for the most part in what I will let past my lips.

It is lack of exercise that does us. We don’t do any.

(Well apart from this week, after Paul got his ticking off.) We have walked to the village and back three times this week. It’s a 15 min walk each way.

My nurse also told me my blood pressure is up again, and she wants to see me in 4 weeks anyway, so I’ve asked her to monitor my weight, and hopefully with a little more incentive and some backing. I won’t panic thinking that the ED will come back, I will be okay in trying to do the right thing for my body.

It’s flipping scary. Because, no matter how ‘big’ I am or how ‘small’ the visual in my head just isn’t right. I don’t ever want to go back to being anorexic, because it took so much to fight it and be better. I want to be able to lose the weight, healthy and not take a turn for the worse.

But, I can’t carry on putting weight on for health reasons. In two years, I’ve gained 5kg. Not a great deal, but enough…

I’m drawing a line here. I have too. I have to do something right for me, and not because of the time of year.

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Anyway, enough moaning, will speak soon.

Dawn x x

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