Vortex
There is a big black hole inside,
A vortex,
which I can’t describe.
It’s whirring round and around, and I am struggling to stand my ground.
I try each day to fill it, but it is a bottomless pit.
Starving for affection, not knowing which direction
Fumbling forwards, not turning back
I believe there’s more than this crap.
Dawn Chapman. 18th February 2005
Hi everyone
Am just writing this, as I got some time on the net, will be back on a bit more when I get home, as Paul and I have done a lot of working out of things, and I know I need to keep talking and getting through this,
It hasnt been easy at all being in my nans coping with her little nigly ways and her watching every thing i eat and stuff, ed had taken a good hold of me again and I have been bottling it all up and i know that has been wrong, I broke down the other night and had it out with paul, we talked for hours, and it was good,
You see I got my appointment through back for the ed clinic in ormskirk and I am so scared of going back, I want to but I dont, I am freaking out about it big time, but i know i have to talk about some of the things in my past that I never have before, and havent still been able to with anyone yet,
I want to say welcome to any of the new members here, that I have missed and I hope I can get to know you all,
And a huge thanks, goes to my special friends who know who they are, for always being here for me even through this real rough time,
I love you all so dearly and have missed you so so so much,
Love and huge huggies Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Feelings
There is something deep inside you,
That you’re finding hard to share.
And it’s the demon inside of you,
that says that I don’t care.
Let me talk to that demon and say how I feel,
for the feelings I have inside for you
are very real.
I can’t stand to see you hurting,
cause then I feel it too
The sadness inside you that makes you feel so blue.
So please let me tell you how special you are,
Remember Bex you’re that bright gold star.
Never in my lifetime have I met someone like you.
Someone with whom, I want to share my whole life through.
There was something about you that day we first talked,
A great understanding the further that we walked.
We laughed and joked and cried, pushed that demon to one side.
We stood hand in hand together, and made our stand.
You give your all and ask nothing in return,
there is a lot from you that I could learn.
You radiate warmth and love,
I am sure you were sent from up above.
Shining from within you will never give in.
Through all my pain and heartache, you were by my side
And now I can say this,
and I can say it with pride
I am glad I found you, and can call you like my sister
I am glad I found you, and I can say I love you.
Written for Bex 2005.
11:44
I had to get this out everyone, this is doing my head in,
I cant cope with this, this pain, this hurt,
Inside of me is crying out, I hate everything about me, I hate me so much,
why cant, I just be happy why am I so cruel to myself,
Had my wisdom tooth out on monday, 45 mins in the dentists chair, of torture, and I loved it,
The pain was terrible the injections, awful but I enjoyed it as it was hurting me,
The tooth came out and all i could think of was, hey great now i dont have to worry bout food, and ed won,
I havnt eaten much all week and I feel so so bad, I feel so humongous worse than I ever have done, and I am so hungry,
I woke up crying this morning, and all I wanted to do was get rid of all this fat around me, anyway i could, if I had the money i would see a plastic surgeon n get rid of it,
But this isnt me talking this is the demon inside, I dont want any of these things, I hate them I hate the feeling of total despair and hurt,
I cant stand this, and I hate this time of year, and I just wish for all of us, IT WOULD GO AWAY.
I HATE ED, LEAVE ME ALONE,
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugehuggies)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Just wanted to send everyone my warmest wishes for the holiday period,
Remember everyone we love and those no longer here, remember everything thats made us who we, are, and dont fear.
We can all help each other, and we can get through the hard week ahead,
Lets stick together, and come here if we feel like we cant cope, let steam off here instead of letting ed rule our heads,
It may be hard but we have a place to come,
Stay safe everyone, and you are all in my hearts,
Love Dawn
Xxxxx
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