Category Bit of everything

Jul 21 2015

Exciting news, and moving onwards!

Hello there! 

There always seems to be so much going on at the moment, I barely get chance to sit and think about my blog besides even write anything for it. But, I promised myself  and my followers I would today.

It’s really not been the best year, and some things aren’t and maybe won’t get better for a while and defo are life changing.

Death has been the biggest hit on us emotionally and physically this year. With losing so many good people and family in quick succession it was hard to take in. It seems that side of things might not be over with just yet either, my mums last relative, and my grandad’s sister is really not well. Problem is, unlike my Aunt and Uncle who were together is she’s living in Whales and it’s a long way to go when something goes wrong. It put a kibosh on some of our plans for yesterday. But, I coped on my own.

The next biggest decision for us, is to take on the house and have our first mortgage. It’s so complicated, we’ve so much going for us, and against us. I met with a cracking chap yesterday who told me everything in plain terms and I was able to understand it and think we have a chance… finally. Which will ease a huge weight off my mum and my shoulders. We want to stay in this house, we don’t want to sell up and move and have to start all over again. Even though it might be nice. I like it here and I like my job, and my customers. 🙂 So fingers crossed for us all. We really need this.

On the TSK front. 

Well I couldn’t be happier with things there. We’re closer than ever to the launch, even though it’s been a painstaking job to get us here, it’s been worth it.

And…. as a working partnership. My animator friend and co -writer decided to make our partnership more permanent, and we launched, TSK Productions limited 🙂 our aim is to use TSK as a launching platform to do other things. So we may start small, but we’ve a lot to do and have big dreams!

Diet wise, please don’t read if triggered easily. 

I’m doing great. I feel better than I have in a long, long time. I’m back in all my old clothes from after I left Cheadle Royal and I’m nearly back to the same weight. I’ve about 4 weeks to go on this regime.

Of course I’m a little nervous. I’ve never done anything like this for a long long time. I’ve tried to manage my weight issues with a normal diet. But it was this or I fear I would have just stopped eating anyway or turn into a drunk. I know this is the slightly lesser of two evils. But it’s probably still an evil. My brain isn’t happy with me even still. I see the results, and I know where I’m going to be in the next 4 weeks, but I’m scared. Re-feeding will have to be nice and slow, just like I did at Cheadle, I know my limits, I know my bodies limits and my minds. So, I’m going to take it easy. I know I can do this myself. I am an adult who knows what she wants and why, and is capable of not letting this go stupid. (ED in my head, shut the fudge up)

So, I’m happy feeling as I am. People can see it, just not me. I will in the end. 🙂

Jun 12 2015

So quiet….

This post may contain some triggers, please be careful.

Hey guys,

I wanted to jump in and try and tell you everything that’s been going on, but putting words to paper has been pretty hard for me the last few weeks. In fact too hard.

It’s been the year from hell, I know many of you already know about some things that have been going on. We lost my uncle, then my hubbies best friend and then my aunt. My mum’s been in and out of hospital having two operations, the first wasn’t diagnosed as skin cancer, but the second one has just been confirmed. There has been one other life changing event, which I can’t talk about for legal reasons, but it involves my husbands other close friend, and is very heartbreaking for both parties. And it’s affected us all a lot in the last four weeks, hence why I’ve been so quiet.

My focus as usual has been for TSK. I’ve been working with a crit team in the UG on scrib who have been super awesome. And I’ve just knuckled down and gotten on with things. Critting and writing.

Book 1’s cover is almost done! I’m even more excited to share this with you guys, a few weeks. Then fingers crossed for publication!

TSK’s book 2 is back in for beta in August. I’ve worked my butt off on this one. And the shorts are just doing fab. We’re almost half way through with editing and finalising them ready for our website! I can’t wait.

Writing is re-writing and I’m learning to love the whole process, honest.

————— trigger

With all this that’s been going on this year, I have to admit I kinda let myself not worry over what I was putting in my mouth. And it was getting harder and harder to get in my largest pair of work pants. I was at the bottom, totally about to self destruct. In fact if I am honest, more than half way there…. which was just making me feel worse and worse. The anti depressants helped for the first few months, but with everything that hit us it just wasn’t doing anything at all.

I don’t know what made me decide to do something about it, it was one of those things which just happened but I went into my customers a chemist one day and decided to try the plan they support there, called Lipotrim.

I’ve never done anything like this before. But, it’s something that I just had to do. I’ve everything to gain, and more than enough to lose.

I wanted to talk just a moment about how this is not my ED head working. This is my perfectly sane brain, taking control of what I was doing and turning this horrible downward spiral into something positive.

My chemist is aware of how and what I went through, my doctor and my nurse all know I’m doing this, and although it’s been met with some stern looks and concerns from my husband, my mum also backed my decision.

I am taking things easy with it, not exercising at the same time. It will be for appprox 4mths, which I’m in week 4 already. I’m not talking about the weight loss, because that isn’t why I’m really doing it. I’m doing it for my sanity and at the moment I can honestly say I feel 100% better. I’m sleeping properly which for the first time in 8 mths is a massive thing for me. I’ve more energy and my body is so much happier. My feet love me, instead of complaining all day long.

This won’t be something that I’ll post about a lot, because I know how it makes some people feel. And me too, but this is a journey that I have to go through. One I will come out the other end of, hopefully having gotten through the worst year of our lives to date.

It tells me a lot when my husband admitted to friends that he thought my eating disorder was the worst thing ever, but this years beat that hands down. I know it has, this is a life changing year, in more ways than one. For us two together, and for my family on the whole.

I love having this blog, it’s been the best thing ever for me when I’ve had exciting things to share, and the saddest of things.

Sending this out into the ether, breathe out the negative, and breathe in the positive! At least now I am fighting in the right direction. Not allowing myself to get any lower. It’s a long way off, but we will get through this year!

Love to ya all.

Dawn x x

May 2 2015

Struggle

Hey guys.

I admit I’ve come to write a few blog posts over the last few weeks. While on holiday and then back at home. But I’ve struggled.

This week back at work was a proper doozy of a week. With my van breaking down and then swapping over to a new one and back, with catching up on things at home. I’ve never had time to actually do much of anything.

We have had the worst bad news so far this year, resulting in 3 losses of members of our family and close friends. The latter just this Thursday. It has not been easy on any of us, and the toll is there. It’s in the back of your mind when you are alone, and thinking of things.

I always try and balance the good and the bad. But the bad is outweighing things at the moment. I’m plugging away, but my brain is starting to slow, and my heart pains me.

I completed my campnano goal. Then forgot to validate… 😦 but I’ve been very happy writing in my TSK world. Which we also now have a twitter page! please follow us! https://twitter.com/TeamSecretKing I couldn’t get the full name we wanted, seems someone else has had that from 2009 and has actually never tweeted a darned thing. Sucks, but this one is fine 🙂

My closest friends know what I’m going through and in how I’m coping, I wanted to let everyone here and there know that although its been the pits, I’m kinda doing okay…. I’m eating, I’m trying to still walk and exercise and I’m trying not to drink too much. Stress brings out two things in me, the ED that wants to cut off all my fat and not eat like FOREVER! the voice in my head that tells me every time I get a minute alone, that I’m not worthy of love or anything that I hold dear. The voice that is a constant battle to kick to the curb and tell it I am worth more. And then there’s that one other more destructive way to drown out the voice for a while. SI. Which I don’t ever wish to return too, but it’s the thoughts that are a consistent battle and the thoughts at the moment which are there pounding away at the resolve that I do have left.

I want to give in.

I don’t want to fight.

But I must.

For everything that is in my life which is good, is worth more than this rubbish. ED will you just F’in do one!

So yes, it’s more than a struggle. And I’m putting it out there, so that people know why. The day job sucks eggs. I love my customers, the people in work are so so. They try and make you laugh, when inside you feel like dying. But it is there, and it’s good to be out the house.

There it is. The thoughts I’m stuck with. The week I want to just put aside, like the rubbish year it’s been.

I am concentrating on my writing, trying to be the best I can be, for the people who care.

Love you all x x

Apr 14 2015

A question or two ?

Tonight I’m talking about what happens when you find yourself facing a tiny break in concentration, or in pondering your next move in a novel or story.

What I find really strange for my world and universe is that with each character, and their parents or even their children… what I have is a universe so vast and so much alive that I can see and feel everything they’d have been or are going through.

After finishing the latest 3 part piece I was a little lost as to what to write about next. The ideas for book 3 still sitting there, but not sparking my creativity.

Then came a question, simply about one of my core characters. Mendoza, by Tim. It was just that a question, followed by another question. But, it was those what ifs that then sparked inside my mind and then became something else. Words which started to form a plot, and then a larger plot, what was part of the TV series and led into the future of the human race, and the Aonise is now something that could possibly be a huge part of this massive universe.

🙂 No matter how you think you’re doing, or how you think you’re not doing. Get someone to ask you a question, and see where that leads you. You just never know.

~ Dawn

Mar 31 2015

Saying Goodbye

Today is a day where we get to say goodbye to a very close old family friend. Ronnie Docker.

It is not going to be a good day.

It will be, however, a day of reflection and one of many assaults on all my senses.

This year has been one of the worst for a few reasons. This being one of them. I don’t deal with death, or dying very well at all. It’s something I can’t see. Like literally I can’t see.

It might seem cold, and it isn’t. I just can’t deal with it. When my nan died on my dad’s side. She’d been very ill for a long time. I loved going to see them. But, the more she deteriorated, the more I couldn’t cope, in her last few weeks. Both Paul and my dad tried to get me to visit but I couldn’t.

Anorexia and depression already had me in it’s horrible grips as I was awaiting my call to go to Cheadle Royal hospital.

It was at her funeral that the beast took hold completely and over the next few months I lost around more weight than I should have. That day took me back to my earlier years you see, when my grandad died, to where I was being bullied at school left right and centre.

I don’t ever pertain to understand the complex way my mind works. Or in the how I deal with things. I don’t deal with some things very well at all, and that voice in my head just takes over instead. It is what it is. A coping mechanism for feeling.

I am where I am today because of those people and the ED that made me internalise all the things
hateful things anyone ever said.

Today, I am going to allow myself to feel. I am going to say goodbye to a gentleman who brought many things to my life. From your cantankerous old ways to the laughter and fun.

I know who I am, I will remember where I have come from, I will not go backwards, I will be okay.

Ron, where ever you are, be happy. We will miss you lots and lots.

~ Dawn