19:38

Well I was having a great day yesterday had my friends all with me, and had a good laugh on here, but my dad signed on and seen my msn message telling ed to sod off, and he rang me asking what was up and what was going on, I talked to him for a bit and then hubby came home, and he asked why i was upset, I told him aboutmy dad and he said something I wasnt really listening and then he said about he was prepared for me to have ed for a lot longer than this, and I told him i wanted rid of it for good, then I started crying,

and I cried and cried,

I was still on line and sarah came home tried to talk to me buI couldnt cope, i knew it had to come out but I just couldnt let it, I felt stupid useless and so weak, hubby was there to hold me and he talked to me for over an hour and I love him so much I felt even worse cause he cares,

Stupid ed, stupid me for letting him get to me, and for me thinking for a moment I cant beat him.

hardly ate anything yesterday, or today, but hubby asked me to bake a loaf I have a bread maker and so I did now I know I will eat this, and ed is telling me not to, but you know what i am gonna say sod off, sod off,

will try and keep going will really try,

I cant give in now,

my rant for today,

love and hugs all

Dawn

xxxxxxx

I was ok, I ate some tea, and then I went outside to put the motorbike away,

I slipped and it went over taking me with it,  the handle bars hitting me in the face,  I shouted for paul n all he did was shout at me, I was so upset didnt ask if I was ok, just about the bike,

Stupid, hubby, so I sulked all night, and didnt tell him I loved him before I went to sleep and I do always tell him. So this morning he apologised and seen the bruise on my face, hope he felt guilty.

was an accident god I dropped my little bike twice, only could pick that up just and he dropped his big ones loads of times, caused 20000 woth of damage once,

I had bad dreams all night, looking for lightning wanting some comfort, he was there, doesnt come very often now, but he was there and I was taken somewhere safe, away from the bad dreams,

anyway, one good thing yesterday I got a text message from a girl in work a new girl she is nice, and we have talked about a lot of things, she asked me how I was and hoped I was ok, I was made up, then this morning she text me as she os off on hol next week she asked if she didnt go away could we do something for the day awwwww I nearly cried,

Will catch you all soon, love ya hugs,

Dawn

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

19:30

I have two dreams

and one cant happen without the other,

I know I write and would love to be published and when I am comes the second dream

I want a retreat for us all a nice place where we can all meet and chill out, relax and talk hug each other and make real true frineds for ever,

my two dreams become one,

I know I have a list as long as my arm of anyone wanting to come,

please tell me so I do know you all want to see me for real , meet me in the flesh,

anyone who doesnt can reply too,

he he this gonna be great I know it all of us together and I know I will do it, next ten years you will all be with me, in my luxurious home with swimming pool and gardens massage therapist and all, anything you want,

post any ideas you have too I would welcome them all,

Love ya all loads and know this would be ace,

Dawn

xxxxxxx

09:08

Here I am thinking about truth, mmmmm

not good,

really not good,

ed you fight back with such streangth and I hate it, just as the scales go up a touch you knock me down like a steam train,

you are the biggest steam train I have ever known the size of the planet I think,

you are one bad evil monster,

and as much as i hate you i know i am the one each time getting back up on my feet and hitting you back saying  dont care for you no more,

but the thing is you are very goos at persuading and really good at looking all safe and comforting,

been a bad week and you know it, sitting there behind me wanting me to fail teasing me at every down fall, but you know something bad weeks are good too, as it makes me see the real good ones,

I have something to share with you ed, something my mum gave me, something I love,

for My daughter

I remember looking at you as a child, wondering what your future would hold, I wanted to shelter you from unhappiness and surround you only with wonderful things.

I realise now that I could never have done this.

For in order to appreciate happiness, you had to experience disappointment,

to enjoy success you had to have some failures,

to feel true love someone had to break your heart.

I couldnt protect you but I want you to know I was with you every step of the way.

When I look at you now and see the woman that has emerged from within

I couldnt be more proud.

It was a giftone of those little fridge magnet things and you know what ed, she is right in every way, and with your help I am becoming the person I want to be, and in fighting you off, I am becoming stronger,

boy your in for a tough time mate, hehehe

umm thats my vent for the day thanks for listening

Love and hugs

Dawn

xxxxxxx

10:22

I AM SO ANNOYED WITH MYSELF,

ED YESTERDAY FOUGHT BACK WITH AVENGENCE,

 I couldnt bring myself to eat anything, and if my mum hadnt virtually force fed me, then I dont think I would have, and hubby also did his best when he got home to make me eat, but I tied just ed, was winning,

I ate a little but am so tired this morning, tired of feeling like giving in and going back to my old ways, surley was better to eat and be sick than to struggle with eating at all,

I feel like I am failing going worse, I dont way sympathy or support I just want it to f**** leave me alone.

I HATE HIM HATE WHAT  HE DOES TO ALL OF US HERE, NOT JUST ME,

I wont say I am sorry I just want to say I hate him and wish he would go away for good.

Love you all loads and loads,

Dawn