Hi everyone

Sad day for me today,

Nans results were bad, the doctor said she does have a form of cancer and she needs to go into have a biopsy and removal of it on the 7th september, we dont know yet how bad the cancer is as we have to wait for the results of the biopsy when that is done, it is a relief to know, but am real sad now, at the thought I actually may lose my nan sometime soon, we did have a good laugh at some things today, like her will she reckoned we’d get our money sooner and at hopefully I will still be able to live in her house this year as it wouldnt sell that quick, but inside I my stomach is churning at everything, I know I would always have somewhere to go but I dont ever want to live with my mum and I know nan will have left me some money in her will, but I am so scared of the future is that wrong?

My mum made us some dinner today and I did not want it, was just a little chiken salad, but I felt so sick I had to force it down and I know I cant face tea tonight,

I had such a good night last night at the pictures I felt so normal, Paul and I went to a chinese restaurant that turend out to be an all you can eat bufett thingy, I managed a starter and a main course, although small plates but i had some pudding to, I didnt feel bad it felt great and I robot was amazing,

I am just so sad, I dont know what else to say,

Hope you are all ok,

Love and hugs to you all always

Dawn

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

16/08/200418:38

Went ok, he was nice, (wasnt my normal doc) so I just told him what the other one had said that I could have some more time off if need be and to increase my dosage to try and improve things a little more,

I was still very nervous and my hubby came in with me and held my hand, (Plus you were all with me in spirit too)

Most stupidly I went into work to hand my sick note in and my boss quizzed me because it said on my sick not I was off for stress related illness, I then had to tell him I hadnt been eating for about three months and was about to keel over on the floor, (I know there is a lot of other problems underneath as well) but I didnt want to tell him everything, or about the stuff with my nan so I just told him I was back on anti depresants and had been refered back to the hospital then I kind of left quickly as he didnt look too happy.

Oh well is not my fault I have to sort me out, there are others in the factory that have loads of time off not just me, so tough.

Anyway, I mowed the lawn today, and helped hubby weed the garden, I am taking my neighbours kitten to the vets later and then Paul and I are going out to the pictures to see I robot, with will smith, then having some tea,

Be nice to spoil us for a change.

Thankyou so much for all you kind replie and I will speak to you soon

Love you alll

Dawn

Hi everyone, took nan to hospital today, for chat with surgeon, didnt end up as chat,

He did ultra sound and was very concerned as both her kidneys were nearly blocked, he needed to do blood tests, and then wanted her to go for a ct scan as well.

everyone in the place was going mad as she was getting pushed to the front of all the cues in the end I lost it with one woman ans said well maybe my nan has a little somethign you dont have,

She has to go back wed for results of tests done, if kidneys are too bad then they have to drain them before they can do a biopsy next week, with camera in as well to see extent of growth, they know something is there, just not what.

I was so scared today for her, and so scared watching my mum with her, my mum worrying over me to and I feel so stupid, so pathetic for being stuck within my own silly world.

Like I dont matter like ed is just so F****** stupid ed.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I HATE YOU

AND I DO NOT  HATE ME ANYMORE I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS.

And I love everyone here so much

To everyone who reads the posts and doesnt post,

To everyone who comes in chat and cant chat

Some of us are doing ok in this fight, others struggling and some plodding on.

Know this site is about all of us no matter how much or how little we share, some share a lot, like  me (I cant shut up sometimes).

Others just read and share a little when they can which is good to.

If you just come and read and get strength from that too it , remember everone of us is different.

We are all unique.

Know that it is all good.

I am here for you all, in good times and in bad times, (specially the bad ones) and know no matter what you share that you are all loved by me, everyone of you.

My heart is big enough to fit you all in, everyone of you.

and you are all in my thoughts,

everyone of you, all special to me in one way or another.

Please take care of you, the inner you and I am here for you all.

Love and big hugs

Dawn

Xxxxxx

sorry am just a big softy and thought this had to be said….

Hi guys

Just wanted to say how much better I am feeling, although have had a trying week I do feel much better on the inside,

and it all thanks to you here and some time off getting some rest.

I may have a busy weekend ahead too but it will be ok and will post you and let you know what happens on monday with my nan and how I get on with her and mum all day.

Catch you soon

Love and hugs

Dawn