17:37

OMG

Was I so annoyed last night, after leaving the hospital from visiting my nan Paul and I decided to go for a chippy tea, and i was so looking forward to it, hadnt eaten much all day really, and when we went to the hole in the wall to draw out some money, and it said we were over our overdraft limit, by nearly 400 quid, I couldnt believe it so out the window went our tea.

I paniked all the way home about 20 mins talked to paul tried to reason why but couldnt,

in the end when I got home I rang the bank and there it was a stupid stupid mistake,

Our car insurance was due for renewal on monday and the first instalment had to be paid over the phone, so Paul rang them up and paid over the phone, was only supposed to be £41 they took the full amount of £411 and then of course we got hit for bank charges as well so that took it up another £30.

Paul has been on the phone today, but got no luck if we change the policy now and pay direct debit they wouldnt give us a refund and they also called Paul a lier, saying that they listend to the phone conversation and there was no mentioning of the direct debits, he was so so mad, and yet they confused him by saying they would refund us the bank charge, not that to me is admitting they were in the wrong.

So now we stuck with a whopping amount over our overdraft giving us a bad name, and Paul has to take the money from our land rent fund from next year, leaving us short now and that has to be paid in december,

I was so upset last night, after seeing my nan with tubes everywhere doped up to the eyeballs, I just didnt need it, my nan looked so meak and old, ya know, i dont think she should have had the op, I dont think she really wanted it, but for her kids my mum and her brother.

I am losing myself to ed, and I hate it, its horrible I cant stand food at all, and I hate myself for letting him win.

Sorry guys,

love ya all

Dawn

xxxxx

Just thought I’d post as havent been on for a few days,

I am really finding it hard at the moment and work sucks, a few of my good friends have been ok with me, but the rest my god they are awful.

What was the first thing everyone said to me, you can all guess i wont write it, and that so annoyed me, ya know.

Some one write on my desk Dawns book of Illnesses, which annoyed me so i wrote back Yeah thanks had a nice 5 week hol thanks.

Ed is really biting me too, and I hate it,

really do,

Love you all though

Dawn

xxxx

Umm nan out of theatre just though Id let you know, she is on hdu for now will know more when mums been to visit,

Love ya all

loads n loads,

Dawn

Hi everyone,

((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Just to let you all know how things are with me, I am doing ok, trying to fight on loads, but sometimes it is tough,

I am struggling a bit but you all help me so much and this week will be e very tough one, as my nan is having the opperation on tuesday, and I am going back to work,

Just to let you know that my times will be back to normal now, from 5 till 8ish, later on a monday as hubby plays snooker, wish i could give you loads more, but no, got to work and get back to normal

Will try and do my best dont know how this week will go, but will keep you all informed,

Love ya all,

Take care,

Dawn

Xxxxxxx

This comes with first an apology to all as I am really struggling right now, but also with loads of love as I love you all so much hear and you have helped me in more ways than one,

so ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Big huggies)))))))))))))))))))))))) from me,

To start with I wasnt going to see my nan yesterday I had had a really rough day and was feeling pretty sick, (Paul and I have a cold) at the moment, and dont want to give it her, so I rang her on her hospital phone, she sounded weary, and I asked how she was and she said not good I have a little problem but I will tell you when I see you, well of course that was it panic stations, and when Paul came home I drove straight to the hospital,

My nans cancer is too far spread in her bladder and in trying to remove all the tumors they damaged it a little, the tumors and problem have also damaged her kidneys too. so the best thing they can do for her now, and for the pain she is in is to send her for another opperation to by pass her bladder and she will end up with a bag.

She was so weak yesterday and yet all she was thinking about was me, how this couldnt make me any worse, and it did, for a start I was in such a state I lied to the guy on the barrier system and feel so guilty for it, I said I’d put my money in and it wouldnt open, (Well it had done the same thing the night before)  and when I got home couldnt eat a thing the thought of food and smell of it made my stomach churn,

I dont know if I can cope with losing her, my uncle seems to think she could have 5-10 yrs but I cant see it, all I see is doom, and I feel its all my fault, I want to punish myself for her being ill, why is that, why is ed so detrimental,

I got up this morning, and am so down, my hands are shaking and tears run down my face for no reason,

My nan is my second mum, more so than my own mum has been she has helped me through so so much and I cant lose her, I am so numb inside. Empty.

Sorry guys this is getting rather long, If I am around and dont talk much I apologise now, but know I care for you all and I really do, you are my strength.

Love and hugs

Dawn