This comes with first an apology to all as I am really struggling right now, but also with loads of love as I love you all so much hear and you have helped me in more ways than one,

so ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Big huggies)))))))))))))))))))))))) from me,

To start with I wasnt going to see my nan yesterday I had had a really rough day and was feeling pretty sick, (Paul and I have a cold) at the moment, and dont want to give it her, so I rang her on her hospital phone, she sounded weary, and I asked how she was and she said not good I have a little problem but I will tell you when I see you, well of course that was it panic stations, and when Paul came home I drove straight to the hospital,

My nans cancer is too far spread in her bladder and in trying to remove all the tumors they damaged it a little, the tumors and problem have also damaged her kidneys too. so the best thing they can do for her now, and for the pain she is in is to send her for another opperation to by pass her bladder and she will end up with a bag.

She was so weak yesterday and yet all she was thinking about was me, how this couldnt make me any worse, and it did, for a start I was in such a state I lied to the guy on the barrier system and feel so guilty for it, I said I’d put my money in and it wouldnt open, (Well it had done the same thing the night before)  and when I got home couldnt eat a thing the thought of food and smell of it made my stomach churn,

I dont know if I can cope with losing her, my uncle seems to think she could have 5-10 yrs but I cant see it, all I see is doom, and I feel its all my fault, I want to punish myself for her being ill, why is that, why is ed so detrimental,

I got up this morning, and am so down, my hands are shaking and tears run down my face for no reason,

My nan is my second mum, more so than my own mum has been she has helped me through so so much and I cant lose her, I am so numb inside. Empty.

Sorry guys this is getting rather long, If I am around and dont talk much I apologise now, but know I care for you all and I really do, you are my strength.

Love and hugs

Dawn