Hi everyone

Am just writing this, as I got some time on the net, will be back on a bit more when I get home, as Paul and I have done a lot of working out of things, and I know I need to keep talking and getting through this,

It hasnt been easy at all being in my nans coping with her little nigly ways and her watching every thing i eat and stuff, ed had taken a good hold of me again and I have been bottling it all up and i know that has been wrong, I broke down the other night and had it out with paul, we talked for hours, and it was good,

You see I got my appointment through back for the ed clinic in ormskirk and I am so scared of going back, I want to but I dont, I am freaking out about it big time, but i know i have to talk about some of the things in my past that I never have before, and havent still been able to with anyone yet,

I want to say welcome to any of the new members here, that I have missed and I hope I can get to know you all,

And a huge thanks, goes to my special friends who know who they are, for always being here for me even through this real rough time,

I love you all so dearly and have missed you so so so much,

Love and huge huggies Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

11:44

I had to get this out everyone, this is doing my head in,

I cant cope with this, this pain, this hurt,

Inside of me is crying out, I hate everything about me, I hate me so much,

why cant, I just be happy why am I so cruel to myself,

Had my wisdom tooth out on monday, 45 mins in the dentists chair, of torture, and I loved it,

The pain was terrible the injections, awful but I enjoyed it as it was hurting me,

The tooth came out and all i could think of was, hey great now i dont have to worry bout food, and ed won,

I havnt eaten much all week and I feel so so bad, I feel so humongous worse than I ever have done, and I am so hungry,

I woke up crying this morning, and all I wanted to do was get rid of all this fat around me, anyway i could, if I had the money i would see a plastic surgeon n get rid of it,

But this isnt me talking this is the demon inside, I dont want any of these things, I hate them I hate the feeling of total despair and hurt,

I cant stand this, and I hate this time of year, and I just wish for all of us, IT WOULD GO AWAY.

I HATE ED, LEAVE ME ALONE,

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugehuggies)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Just wanted to send everyone my warmest wishes for the holiday period,

Remember everyone we love and those no longer here, remember everything thats made us who we, are, and dont fear.

We can all help each other, and we can get through the hard week ahead,

Lets stick together, and come here if we feel like we cant cope, let steam off here instead of letting ed rule our heads,

It may be hard but we have a place to come,

Stay safe everyone, and you are  all in my hearts,

Love Dawn

Xxxxx

Just wanted to say hello to you all, am missing you all terribly, and am not doing so good,

Ed is getting a bad hold again and I dont want to eat much at all, am struggling at work again and feeling really bad about myself.

Our car broke down last week and is costing us £880 quid to fix, it just died, and I am so upset, couldnt have come at a worse time,  but it has to happen to us.

My Bday on monday and I am not looking forward to it or this weekend at all for a fact, am supposed to be going out tomorrow after being in college all day and then going out on sunday as well, both times am expected to eat, i cant cope,

I wrote four poems today and they all depict my mood, down and sad, I cant seem to break out of it,

Anyways, my love to you all, miss you loads, and hope to speak to you all sometime soon,

Take care and keep fighting,

Dawn

xxxxx

Tomorrow not only do i get to meet Chantell who I have become very close to these last few months, but I am getting to go to the studios of First take and, meet the producers and directors and take part in some sort of get together, to talk about stuff,

Wow so cool or what,

Work is boring, I want out still,

Sorry I havent been texting as I ran out of credit, and havent got anymore,

Love you all and am well thinking of you I am still here, sort of,

Dawn xxxxxxx