Writing and my personal thoughts :(

So there has been a lot happen these last few weeks.

Some things I feel are good, others not so good. I’ll try and go through them in some order.

Writing.

Progression is a big thing for me. I’ve had a couple of very helpful crits on my work and I’m moving forward with TSK at a good pace. Talentville has upped their side of the game and we can now post things to the group instead of trying to share everything in dropbox which wasn’t so easy.

At least we’ve a place to chat where it can all be kept in some proper order.  I have to try and do this to stop ideas and things being lost.

I’ve also been trying to work through a contract which will help all sides of the party. This isn’t easy because at the end of the day when you’ve worked as hard on a project as I have in the last couple of years deciding how to share it out is very difficult. But the people involved in the project will help fuel it and make it better. So, I have to think about this very carefully and do it in a way which protects all involved and still leaves me in control. At the end of the day it is my biggest project. But also can be a big franchise as well. 🙂 It has to be good if other people are investing time and energy into it right? well I think so anyway.

Other projects are going well, the web-series is coming together nicely and we’re hoping to get the first draft out this next week.

All in all, I’ve been kept busy. Making contacts (a nice lawyer) talking to some experienced writers and helping them out. Keeping my head in the ‘game’ as they say.

 

Personal life.

Not so good.

We’ve had a very difficult couple of weeks, starting with finding out our car MOT had expired and we had to rush job it in. Luckily it passed easily so that was good.

However, the van  MOT was also due this same week, and it failed. 😦 it was going to cost over £500 to get the parts with labour but then it still might not have passed.  So the decision was to scrap it. We’d no other choice really.

Add that to the fact the car tax, bike insurance were all due at the end of the month and we’re pretty snookered.

 

Koi

The fish have been constantly sick, so I had to make the decision to call in a pro. It was that or lose the fish. I just couldn’t   see anything on the microscope slide. I needed help and that still came at a price.  But when you have a sick animal  you can’t let it suffer so we ‘asked mum’ to help us out. Good ole mums hey, sometimes you just don’t have a choice. The koi doc came out and when looking at my fish said mine didn’t look too bad, but the rescue fish were suffering a lot. So he easily caught one and scraped it, we went straight to his microscope and he confirmed within seconds that they had a very heavy infestation of Skin flukes. 😦 nightmare.

I then got my scope set up and we found the critters on mine. My problem had been I was using the highest mag and I should have used the lowest. At least I know now.

Treatment went in over the course of an hour, the fish however weren’t very happy over things, but it has settled down over the course of a week.

Thankfully there was nothing amiss in the baby pond.

 

Feelings

 

These come at a totally different level. I’ve been so stressed over things that my eating has been out the window. I’ve really struggled with the thoughts inside my head. Leading up to our wedding aniversary and my husbands birthday is alwasy a little more stressful because I suddenly panic thinking about all we’ve been through and I worry about the future too.

 

This week I also had my appointment with the nurse, the nurse who upset me 3 months ago and got me terrified of going back. So I’ve struggled with the thoughts over that as well.

 

However, when I finally got to see her, I told her how she had made me feel and that I stopped eating properly for nearly a month. She wasn’t aware of my past nor meant what she had said in any bad way. It was just my eating disorder brain had gone ‘she’s telling you you’re fat’  and that ‘you should hate yourself’

 

Of course it takes me a while to work through these thoughts in my head. Yes, I am overweight. Around 2 stone to be even within a healthy range.

 

But, I eat well. I treat myself and I do some exercise. I don’t want to go backwards, but I am terrified if I try to lose weight properly, then I will. I am so scared it is making me more and more depressed. Thinking about it now I know I should go back and see the doctor. I want to feel good about myself and I don’t. I don’t because these thoughts inside me are once more trying to beat me down. At the moment, it is working. The beast is winning.

The hardest part of any mental illness is coming clean about it. The fact that I know what to do is good, but doing it is also so flipping hard.

The funny thing is I had all the intentions of telling a doctor on Wed, but when I got in there I froze, then  got told off because I’d used an emergency appointment when it wasn’t an emergency. It is to me, because if I just make a regular one, I’ll probably still back out. I thought with saying it was an emergency I had a better chance of spitting it out.

It didn’t work.

The feelings are deep seated. Dark and I hate them more than anything else in my life. It hurts me badly that I can’t do some things, that it has ruined my life and still continues to bore into my very soul, rearing its ugly head at every small opportunity.  I hate having an Eating Disorder. I may have been in a stage of recovery for 4 years. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it, or live a normal life. I wonder if it is ever possible.

 

Back to the doctors I must go. Wish me luck.

 

Now I need to go and do some other things, busy weekend ahead. 🙂

 

Catch you all again soon.

 

Dawn

 

 

 

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3 comments on “Writing and my personal thoughts :(

  1. I comfort eat Dawn. My stress levels go up. I snack. No i don’t ; I eat meals between snacks.I now weigh twice as I did when i was 20.
    It doesnt help that i am a worrier but I hope that doesn’t show publicly. Private thoughts ..not saying what I worry about.
    My job doesn’t help with planning a diet etc..yeah i know excuses,excuses..but it helps with the poems and with the Dragonet storyline/s.

    I would far rather you be 2 stone overweight than anorexic and I hope that anybody who cares for you feels the same. [2 stone..is that all? ffs! proper curves woman..!!..]

    Love n hugs.
    Andy.

    • Thanks Andy, I do totally understand you.I drive a butty van for a living now, I can’t get away from food as I serve it all day. But its tough. The writing helps me a lot too, in fact without it I prob would be somewhere else totally. Just wish that other person in my head would sod off forever.

      • Yeah I know that one. That other person does me too. My poetry has taken a break but think its because of the Dragonet story/ies.
        I was told yesterday that things once said cannot be unsaid. Maybe I should have told that person I love her?
        Maybe I should learn to love me?

        Yes It really is tough..Has your writing become your voice as it has for me? In hope so. I really hope so.

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