Once again, I managed to get myself into a mess.
I don’t know the last few days, this week have been such a drain on me.
Shirley my therapist saw me twice this week; to catch up on what happened last week with the funeral and everything, Monday and Thursday.
She is really good, I seem to really trust her and I don’t know why, it’s actually really difficult to be honest with her, but I am learning it’s ok to.
I spoke a lot about my nan on Monday, and the fact that I am hurting so much. I really do want to stop eating again, and of course self harm was a big topic to, as the thoughts were really strong, (hence last night)
Monday was ok in day care, I talked a bit with the other therapist Zoë, and then in the after noon most of us had our 6 week review (actually 8 week), with Dr Sharma and the funding council.
I was honest in everything I say, I think I am doing ok, especially with the food side, but the thoughts of self harm are sooo bad…
I am staying at day care two days a week, at the moment, and will see how I manage in the new year; I do want to go back to work. But my head is telling me, I want to go back just so I can stop eating again, and carry on with my bad behaviour patterns, basically undo everything I have accomplished in the last 8 weeks.
On Tuesday I went to ormskirk hospital and saw my psychiatrist, who was really nice, basically she agreed with Dr Sharma, that I shouldn’t rush back into work and life, as I need time to grieve and to carry on with the good behaviour, to talk about the self harm more, and try and deal with my feelings instead of hiding from them.
I went into town afterwards, and spent some of my birthday money, on a few things, Cascada’s new cd, and a unicorn book for my writings and poems.
I met Claire my Sister in law, and we shopped for a bit, and then I went back to her’s for some dinner before we went to my nieces first Christmas play, which was really good.
I enjoyed spending time with her.
Wed I just relaxed and went to Day care on Thursday.
I saw Shirley again, and I talked a lot about some of my recent friendships, and how I haven’t been dealing with them very well. How some of my friends have let me down in the last 8 weeks, and how hurt I have been over it.
I decided that I have to put myself first and some of my ‘friends’ aren’t really my friends they are just out for what they can get off me, and aren’t seeing that at this moment in time, I am in a place where I need their support, and understanding, and most importantly to see them..
Shirley is good at pushing my buttons, but in a good way, in the group session she managed to make me cry, just because she knows how to talk to me, to get me to be honest and admit how I am feeling…
I got a hug off one of my friends, which was nice, and made me realise, that sharing how I am feeling isn’t so bad, it’s a good release in a way…
Wasn’t sure what I was going to do today, my work was having their party and Michelle and Kate had both asked me to go, but I didn’t really want to face everyone, and all their questions, but I went in the end…
I was glad that I did, even though Michelle said that some of the guys there had said I was cheeky and rude to go to the party, but none of them said anything to my face.
I think after a while talking to me and realising how it has really been for me made them understand that I really have needed to take this time out to get myself better.. Yes I am upset with Kate, for not coming to my party and not coming to see me when Paul had specifically asked her to. It was awkward to be there and I didn’t really want to talk to her, or put on pretence that everything was ok, I didn’t have to in the end, as she made it pretty clear she wasn’t that bothered, and was more interested in getting pissed and going out with Michelle. At least till she wanted me to play pool, which I wouldn’t.
Anyway most of the staff was nice and to be honest I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for the staff at the hospital and my friends here and on the net.
I have had so much support, I am glad I have so many wonderful friends.
The day sort of ended up quite badly, there was five of us wanting to go up to Leyland to another pub, and another work colleague who was so drunk could hardly stand decided he was coming to, well I can only get five in my car, and in some respect I blame my step dad for saying we would squeeze him in, he sat in the car, and I had to literally force him to get out.
He was so rude, ‘ I thought you were my friend, and you’re just like the rest of them. You would have done if for ******* Michelle’
I wouldn’t have done it for anyone, not at xmas, not even for my closest friends. The car would have been overloaded and if there was an accident the chances are we would have been seriously injured or killed.
I was really upset by this stupid man. But when we got to Leyland I was ok and calmed down.
We left at 7 and I took my drunken step dad home and then turned in ourselves, after something to eat.
I had a drink and fell asleep about 930pm, but then woke up and couldn’t get those bad thoughts out of my head.
I knew I was going to do it eventually but I didn’t think it would have been last night.
There aren’t a lot of cuts, but its the fact I have done it, I am upset that I did, and now I have to start all over again and try and build myself back up.
I don’t know if I can do it at the moment. I am really low.
I am tired, I can’t shake this sore throat, and all I want to do is really hide away, but I can’t.
Just wanted to try and put things into perspective for the build up to me self harming. Although I can’t justify it, I would never want that. I am sad and afraid now I will do it again, to make it worse, as to me it’s not bad enough to warrant all my feelings.
Keep me in your thoughts, and I wish everyone a great Christmas and new year.
Love to my friends.