Category Self Harm (very trig)

Sep 2 2015

Marking an era ; Semi Colon Tattoo and script from TSK’s Lacria ‘New Beginnings’

I’ve had some new tattoo’s on my mind for a while. I’ve asked some local shops back home for details, but not persued them because of having no time for anything. Well here in Cullompton, Devon I’ve had lots of time. We’re on holiday at Forest Glade Holiday park again. And here for a week.

I didn’t even know there was a tattoo shop here, till we walked past in on Monday 🙂 what a nice surprise it was. So I found them on facebook and sent a message to see about calling in. Which I did yesterday and their facebook link is –

https://www.facebook.com/SmokinJoesTattooAndPiercingStudio?fref=ts

I’d seen several pictures of the kind of thing I wanted to symbolise my past and where I’ve come from. The Semi-Colon Tattoo trend started in around 2013 and I learned of it around then. However, my suicide attempt was way back in 2001. A time where I was a very different person. No confidence, no strength. But I did find some strength. Admitting myself into the hospital was the best thing I ever did. And although no one at that time could really address the things going on inside my mind. It began a 6 year journey to become the person I am today.

Without attempting suicide that day, without the self harm when I was sexually abused at work in 2004 and without sticking my neck out and demanding I see someone properly for my continual eating disorder. I am sure I would not be here today. The depression and the battle against myself would have ended and not in a good way.

I am very happy with both my Tattoo’s today – I survived, and I’m free as the birds depicted here. 🙂

2015-09-02 14.49.16

And for the other arm –

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http://www.thesecretking.com

Designed by the very talented Trent Pehrson for TSK’s language -Lacria- and scripted by our Art Director – Bam Laurel 🙂 and translates as ‘new beginnings’

Team TSK is awesome. I adore everyone who has been here for me over the years…

Today marks that ‘new beginning’ today we reach for the stars!

May 2 2015

Struggle

Hey guys.

I admit I’ve come to write a few blog posts over the last few weeks. While on holiday and then back at home. But I’ve struggled.

This week back at work was a proper doozy of a week. With my van breaking down and then swapping over to a new one and back, with catching up on things at home. I’ve never had time to actually do much of anything.

We have had the worst bad news so far this year, resulting in 3 losses of members of our family and close friends. The latter just this Thursday. It has not been easy on any of us, and the toll is there. It’s in the back of your mind when you are alone, and thinking of things.

I always try and balance the good and the bad. But the bad is outweighing things at the moment. I’m plugging away, but my brain is starting to slow, and my heart pains me.

I completed my campnano goal. Then forgot to validate… 😩 but I’ve been very happy writing in my TSK world. Which we also now have a twitter page! please follow us! https://twitter.com/TeamSecretKing I couldn’t get the full name we wanted, seems someone else has had that from 2009 and has actually never tweeted a darned thing. Sucks, but this one is fine 🙂

My closest friends know what I’m going through and in how I’m coping, I wanted to let everyone here and there know that although its been the pits, I’m kinda doing okay…. I’m eating, I’m trying to still walk and exercise and I’m trying not to drink too much. Stress brings out two things in me, the ED that wants to cut off all my fat and not eat like FOREVER! the voice in my head that tells me every time I get a minute alone, that I’m not worthy of love or anything that I hold dear. The voice that is a constant battle to kick to the curb and tell it I am worth more. And then there’s that one other more destructive way to drown out the voice for a while. SI. Which I don’t ever wish to return too, but it’s the thoughts that are a consistent battle and the thoughts at the moment which are there pounding away at the resolve that I do have left.

I want to give in.

I don’t want to fight.

But I must.

For everything that is in my life which is good, is worth more than this rubbish. ED will you just F’in do one!

So yes, it’s more than a struggle. And I’m putting it out there, so that people know why. The day job sucks eggs. I love my customers, the people in work are so so. They try and make you laugh, when inside you feel like dying. But it is there, and it’s good to be out the house.

There it is. The thoughts I’m stuck with. The week I want to just put aside, like the rubbish year it’s been.

I am concentrating on my writing, trying to be the best I can be, for the people who care.

Love you all x x

Dec 22 2007

22/12/07

later

Once again, I managed to get myself into a mess.

I don’t know the last few days, this week have been such a drain on me.

Shirley my therapist saw me twice this week; to catch up on what happened last week with the funeral and everything, Monday and Thursday.

She is really good, I seem to really trust her and I don’t know why, it’s actually really difficult to be honest with her, but I am learning it’s ok to.

I spoke a lot about my nan on Monday, and the fact that I am hurting so much. I really do want to stop eating again, and of course self harm was a big topic to, as the thoughts were really strong, (hence last night)

Monday was ok in day care, I talked a bit with the other therapist Zoë, and then in the after noon most of us had our 6 week review (actually 8 week), with Dr Sharma and the funding council.

I was honest in everything I say, I think I am doing ok, especially with the food side, but the thoughts of self harm are sooo bad…

I am staying at day care two days a week, at the moment, and will see how I manage in the new year; I do want to go back to work. But my head is telling me, I want to go back just so I can stop eating again, and carry on with my bad behaviour patterns, basically undo everything I have accomplished in the last 8 weeks.

On Tuesday I went to ormskirk hospital and saw my psychiatrist, who was really nice, basically she agreed with Dr Sharma, that I shouldn’t rush back into work and life, as I need time to grieve and to carry on with the good behaviour, to talk about the self harm more, and try and deal with my feelings instead of hiding from them.

I went into town afterwards, and spent some of my birthday money, on a few things, Cascada’s new cd, and a unicorn book for my writings and poems.

I met Claire my Sister in law, and we shopped for a bit, and then I went back to her’s for some dinner before we went to my nieces first Christmas play, which was really good.

I enjoyed spending time with her.

Wed I just relaxed and went to Day care on Thursday.

I saw Shirley again, and I talked a lot about some of my recent friendships, and how I haven’t been dealing with them very well. How some of my friends have let me down in the last 8 weeks, and how hurt I have been over it.

I decided that I have to put myself first and some of my ‘friends’ aren’t really my friends they are just out for what they can get off me, and aren’t seeing that at this moment in time, I am in a place where I need their support, and understanding, and most importantly to see them..

Shirley is good at pushing my buttons, but in a good way, in the group session she managed to make me cry, just because she knows how to talk to me, to get me to be honest and admit how I am feeling…

I got a hug off one of my friends, which was nice, and made me realise, that sharing how I am feeling isn’t so bad, it’s a good release in a way…

Friday…

Wasn’t sure what I was going to do today, my work was having their party and Michelle and Kate had both asked me to go, but I didn’t really want to face everyone, and all their questions, but I went in the end…

I was glad that I did, even though Michelle said that some of the guys there had said I was cheeky and rude to go to the party, but none of them said anything to my face.

I think after a while talking to me and realising how it has really been for me made them understand that I really have needed to take this time out to get myself better.. Yes I am upset with Kate, for not coming to my party and not coming to see me when Paul had specifically asked her to. It was awkward to be there and I didn’t really want to talk to her, or put on pretence that everything was ok, I didn’t have to in the end, as she made it pretty clear she wasn’t that bothered, and was more interested in getting pissed and going out with Michelle. At least till she wanted me to play pool, which I wouldn’t.

Anyway most of the staff was nice and to be honest I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for the staff at the hospital and my friends here and on the net.

I have had so much support, I am glad I have so many wonderful friends.

The day sort of ended up quite badly, there was five of us wanting to go up to Leyland to another pub, and another work colleague who was so drunk could hardly stand decided he was coming to, well I can only get five in my car, and in some respect I blame my step dad for saying we would squeeze him in, he sat in the car, and I had to literally force him to get out.

He was so rude, ‘ I thought you were my friend, and you’re just like the rest of them. You would have done if for ******* Michelle’

I wouldn’t have done it for anyone, not at xmas, not even for my closest friends. The car would have been overloaded and if there was an accident the chances are we would have been seriously injured or killed.

I was really upset by this stupid man. But when we got to Leyland I was ok and calmed down.

We left at 7 and I took my drunken step dad home and then turned in ourselves, after something to eat.

I had a drink and fell asleep about 930pm, but then woke up and couldn’t get those bad thoughts out of my head.

I knew I was going to do it eventually but I didn’t think it would have been last night.

There aren’t a lot of cuts, but its the fact I have done it, I am upset that I did, and now I have to start all over again and try and build myself back up.

I don’t know if I can do it at the moment. I am really low.

I am tired, I can’t shake this sore throat, and all I want to do is really hide away, but I can’t.

Just wanted to try and put things into perspective for the build up to me self harming. Although I can’t justify it, I would never want that. I am sad and afraid now I will do it again, to make it worse, as to me it’s not bad enough to warrant all my feelings.

Keep me in your thoughts, and I wish everyone a great Christmas and new year.

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Love to my friends.

Apr 20 2005

25/04/05

Spain holiday April 2005

Well this is great six am in Spain, and what I am doing, wide awake, with stomach ach from eating too much last night and not being sick, umm amazing.

It’s been a tough holiday so far, I have been sick most of it, but in a real sick way not with Ed, I have had a killer sore throat and black red stuff coming out of my nose. Yeah a re4al bad cold, got it off Joyce didn’t I, grrr.

Anyways, Sat, day of departure,

Brilliant had a great flight, were detoured via Bilbao. Because an older man, two rows down from us wasn’t good. He flaked out and was put on oxygen and they thought it best to set the plane down, and let a doctor look at him, his poor wife looked so worried and I don’t blame her one bit, or the staff on the plane. If it was me or Paul sick I wouldn’t have expected any less.

Only took us about an hour delay in all, which I thought was very good to be honest.

Umm second dilemma, lol, on arriving in Spain with no euros, the rate at the airport was terrible, 136 per pound, so we decided to just get a taxi and then get the money my mum left for us in the apartment. Yeah good idea in theory, except when we got here we couldn’t get in the apartment and had to ring for Norman the cleaner to come and let us in, oops, mean while Paul was legging it up the road to the exchange bureau to get some money for the driver who was calling him a silly silly man, lol.

We were so tired from the trip I had a sleep in the afternoon and we went for a walk to get some stuff to eat, had our tea in. It was nice, of course I couldn’t sit still then, so we went to barneys and met Clare, had a few drinks which I shouldn’t have, and had a great night.

Sunday

The day was very warm and breezy, but we relaxed and had a great day, walked quite a bit, and I lazed around, and read a whole book, by steven silverberg  Face of the waters, about a boat trip and a planet called hydros. Was rather weird but a good read. I was so so so so  tired wanted to sleep from about 830 but managed to stay awake till 1000. was supposed to meet clare again but I went to bed and Paul forgot to txt her as did I so she didn’t know we weren’t coming, ahh, silly me.

Monday, our anniversary, Yey 7 yrs,

Had a umm brill morning. We were supposed to be going to the beech, but I felt real ill. (bit like I do now actually at6am) so stayed by the apartment, and sunbathed, I started reading The Horse whisperer is good, and then came in at 1. Had a walk around, deciding which sort of bag I like, and a purse to go with it. Seen some nice belts too, but will have to wait till nearer time to go home, to see if we have any money left,

Only have what mum left us, 150 euros, and 10 pound, and 210 pounds 100 which is ours and 100 which is ron’s, feeling slightly bad about taking his money and not getting him some cigs like I said, but we would have nothing to eat next week otherwise. And we are looking after the pennies, promise.

Tuesday, so umm 627 am

And why am I awake, had a bad dream, got stomach ach, and neck ach,

Dream,

Of course ed related, sucks hey following me to finspaintoo bastard,

I was in a market come doctors surgery and I was being sick, but there was a girl who was weighing herself in the toilets, she was anorexic, and clearly so, she asked would I weigh her and write the numbers in the book for her, we started talking and became instant friends.

I went off and into the surgery where this then crazed nurse started taking blood from my neck, my mum was sitting there letting her, and this nurse then started puming some weird stuff into me, I didn’t want it at all and was fighting for my life, and knew it,

This girl then phoned me and mum put the phone to my ear.  I was dying and she couldn’t tell, what the fuck.

I wormed and kicked and eventually got the sick nurse off me and oushed my mum away. When I got out of the surgery the nurse was trying to blame me and got the poliece involved, the only evidence I had was this girl I had just met had recored our tiny conversation and then psycho nurse babbling on about what she was going to do to me.

Weird hey,

Umm not as weird as the next one,

About a car race I was in, but then was a motorbike race, I was showering with the blokes and then it turned out I was a woman and the attention changed and I was getting uncomfortable.

Then back in Mere Brow and trying to cross the ditch me flying, and managing it, then falling in, and a guy saving me.

Back to the stables, and Lighting in the stall, he isn’t starving at the moment, but isn’t being looked after very well, I miss him being around, I want to get him out and try to, he looks excited, while I tack him up he jumps about giddy, we go out on a ride, and it was lovely.

Am feeling a bit funny so am going back to bed, the birds are singing and people are up (not that they ever sleep round here) but hey, I am going to ok.

Love you, will write sooon,

Dawn

Tueday 26th

Was Paul’s birthday tonight, had a Chinese take out and then went for a few drinks in Barny’s turned out to be one drink as I only had a few euros with me, oops, Clare didn’t turn up, so we went for a walk along the beech and then watched a film on scifi,

Wednesday, been cooler today and was glad decided to go for a long walk, and ended up in callawaya past toramoninos, where we went with the mule and the Spanish lady the first time we were out here. Was a really long walk, but was good, stopped in lidel and got some more bits at least we have enough food for this week anyways. Just next week, have a hundred and sixty five in cash so will have to change some of that.

Sunbathed for a bit this afternoon, when the clouds weren’t there it was really hot and I got a little burned, oops.

Any way am meeting clare and manwell in Barneys then going out for a meal up here. He is working tonight so missed out there, lol,

Am going, just had a shower and a play around with the film editing software. And am going to get ready in a bit.

Love Dawn

Saturday night and oh well I am awake again at 23 53,

Been out and had a few drinks with clare in the bar, and you know rang my mum, asked frank about work, Karen isn’t in and now my head is spinning according to frank, Terry has had the sack now I am all guilty and my head wont shut up , oh why oh why,

This is really hurting me, I am getting flashbacks, of me as a child, kids in my neighbourhood.

Again of them and them using me, Anne is asking my brother what we had done the  night before and then asking us to do more tonight, I am beginiiing to think that most of the stuff me and chris did was to sort of answer her questions,

I remember one incident in the bathroom, about being asked what it was like to have boobs, and then of course asking to touch them, and so on, but it didn’t stop there did it oh no, they wanted to know more about me, and they wanted to touch me down below too. 😩

WHY
these things going on im my head tongith are hurting me more than ever, I want to scream I am crying now, and I know why they were wrong to ask them of me, and wrong to think I should have carried on with them, but oh no, as ? had beat me and abused me, I thought I had to put up with this behaviour, FAT UGLY DAWN no good for anything else,

I cant believe they are putting me through remembering all this.

I remember too much about kids and being abused by them. Touchy feely. Nasty.

NO MORE,

But it still happned, and when ? moved in next door more of the same except… just well more of it.

ME being used, ME being abused.

Anger Yes,

ANGER FUCKING HELL YES

These feelings inside I cannot control and I want to cut tonight more than anything,

Tonight now at 1205, in spain, I want to hurt me,

Because I feel bad, Because I feel disgusting,

THE FEELing inside me is so so so sick, I feel used and hurt, and why couldn’t my mum help me, why couldn’t they see  everything that was going, on.

Because some stupid kids BEAT me up, HE BEAT ME.

HE HURT me and no one knew,
NO One

The Guys in school overfed me something wicked and yeah it hurt, it hurt as I had to do it I had to eat to have friends so they wouldn’t get into trouble, and I would do it.

I was weak, I was fat and I was not worthy of having any friends who liked me for being me.

My best friend didn’t like me, she hated me more that anything, and I knew it, right until we fell out, there was nothing between us,

No matter what I did to try an please her it wasn’t good enough, I was too fat, she was only with me so she could look good, so she looked thin and beautiful and that isn’t how it was completely but that is how my mind worked, that is how I thought, towards the end, and when she got another friend then she fell out with me and it ended I couldn’t do anything to still be her friend  I was the end It was over, I had NO ONE 😩

AND NO one wanted me.

I wish I could have ended it all there and then, but it didn’t happen,

When I left school and it got close I couldn’t do it, no matter how I tried,

I ate and ate until no more

I was the biggest I had been

19st 4lbs

and I hated me,

I drew a knife,

I cut,

It wasn’t enough,

And here I am now,

Sucks,

Sucks,

It fucking sucks,

All the hurt,

All the pain, ‘

I am hurting now inside I want to get it out,

WHAT WILL I DO

WHAT WILL I Say

I DONE KNOW<

I DON’T KNOW<

I am lost,

I am lost,

I wish something inside me would tell me what to do, when to do it,

I have to talk to my brother, I have to get things out.

I have to talk to me mum, and tell her,

And my dad,

I WILL DO THIS I WILL!

IT will not ruin me,

It will never ruin me,

I will do them as they did to me.

:Love Dawn

xxxx

Sunday 1st May

Umm, bad night, yeah I think so, wasn’t sure why all that stuff starts to come out and it was real bad,

Was up for about half an hour, and when I went back to bed I woke Paul up cause I was crying, he held me and comforted me, and I eventually went to sleep, after our noisy neighbours came in gone two oclock.

Havent done anything again today, just rested sunbathed and then went for a walk along the beech and a paddle, I got rather wet but it was good.

I feel my weight is increasing as some of my clothes are getting tighter, but I suppose it has to, I am on holiday and not doing much, apart from eating, and I am eating better, lots of salads, and rice and lovely fresh bread and cheeses, only had three ice creams, and 2 desserts lol never mind.

Anyway want to do some real work, some writing, so off I go. Wish me luck.

Dawn Chapman xxxx

Apr 14 2005

14/04/05

Hi

Just thought I would update everyone on whats been going on in my life,

Started February when after taking my frined (11th) Karen shopping, I bought my husband some nice underware, for valantines  and she bought the guy she was seeing, Terry some too, (Terry the married man with two small kids)

 

When she finally got to give them to him, 21st Feb, he decided to get changed in the middle of the factory floor and having no underware on didnt stop him changing either,  I made it perfectly clear that i didnt want to see anything, but five minutes later, he made sure I was looking and got it out again, while my friends could still see.

 

This happened on a number of occasions, and he also started to touch me, I wasnt happy at all, it got worse, and I started cutting, couldnt talk to anyone about this, I felt i was asking for it, and deserved everything i got,

 

Eventually I told Paul last wednesday and then also my councellor this week (Cpn) and after havng talked to my family and stuff went to visit my boss this morning and report him.

My boss took the whole thing very serious and he had to have a witness from the factory and so did I, unfortunatly there was no one I could trust anymore in there, and I had to pick the managers son, but at least I knew her wouldnt have said anything outside to any of the other staff before it got out anyway.

I was so scared I was shaking and nearly in tear talking about the whole thing, I guesse when you talk about it it seems all the more real and its awful.

 

I have just had a phone call from my boss saying he has had both Terry and Karen in the office and neither denied it they both said it happened like I said it had, I couldnt understand, how come he didnt deny it, what was he doing, admitting it, omg, I just dont know what to think, is he getting more pleasure now out of knowing he has hurt me even more,

I am just so lost and unsure and scared and agggghhhhh I am glad they didnt deny it but just cant work out why?

 

Am I such a bad person that people will always take advantage of me, of the way i act and feel. can people pick up the fact that you are vaulnarable,

 

Sorry for ranting, just had to get it out i guess

 

Love and hugs

Dawn

Xxxx