01/01/08

 

 

 

Umm well for a bit I am going to have to update as so much has happened over the xmas period.

 

After the incident at work I self injured a little, as I think I have put on my blogs already, but then again on the Saturday I did it again, but worse, it took a lot of covering up, believe me,

 

We went to our friends Sue and H’s on the Sunday for a wonderful meal, of which I did ok with but not brilliantly, I’d had a little wine so I did manage some more later on.

 

The house we stayed at was beautiful, a three story, four bed roomed palace, with huge kitchen living room, and games room. I really enjoyed staying there and left with a happier heart.

 

Monday night, and Paul went to play snooker, although he couldn’t as there was a ticket only night on and he came back after about 20 mins, it still didn’t stop me from having another go at my leg, I don’t know why I just couldn’t help it. I am just so overwhelmed at the moment. I went on the internet and blocked some of the people who have been draining my strength and emotions. I had to do it; I had to let them go. They were nice people with a few problems of their own but no matter what I did for them and how I tried to help them it never was enough, and they sapped my energy to a point when I just couldn’t do anything anymore.

 

To be blunt it was something I had been putting off for a long time, but I have now done it, and I am glad that I have, I feel much better.

 

Christmas day and we got up to open our few prezzie and cards off each other, then we went to my mums, Chris and Claire arrived a little later, and we opened all our gifts, and then the lads went out for a drink leaving us to open a bottle of wine.

 

I really enjoyed the day, we decided to stay over even though we had left spooky inside at the caravan, so I did have a lot more to drink but I was happy, well at least I thought I was.

 

We went to bed about 12, and Paul and I made love, of which he then felt my new scabs forming, He didn’t say anything to me till later on in the night, when then I freaked out, and went downstairs, and we sat and talked for a while. till 4 in the morning.

 

We did go back to bed, and then got up after9am. My mum was then up, and Paul decided he had to tell her what I have been doing to myself. My mum gave me a hug, but couldn’t understand why I would do it, and Paul told her I blamed myself for my Nans death. Why did he have to do that…..?

 

I left feeling very down hearted and totally exhausted, and when arriving at home, after having some dinner, went to bed till 4 that evening.

 

I had some wine left so I decided I would drink that after my tea, but I don’t think it helped me in anyway, I text my friend Sian asking her for her help, and to come down when her and Noel both had some spare time, to talk to her. I started crying on the phone and then Paul had to speak to her, I began to freak out even more, to the fact that everyone was now realising that I wasn’t handling all this as good as I was trying to portray.

 

All I want to do is not eat and numb all these emotions going on in my head, and try and just find a place where I can deal with everything, but I have to keep eating as I want to get better, and so I go and cut myself. I know none of it is good, but I am just so lost in the world right now.

 

I don’t know what happened much after that, I know I asked Paul to take me to the hospital, then I slunk off to cut myself again, but I couldn’t do much just one cut, as I then went and told Paul I wanted to hurt myself even more, he got me ready and we headed to Southport hospital.

 

I attacked my hand on the way there and managed to bite a hole in my skin. which didn’t bleed much but relieved some of my frustration?

 

I don’t remember much in the hospital, I know Paul was with me all the time, and I cried a lot and asked to be taken home, I freaked when the nurse came to asses me, and then when I was taken to the clinical decision unit, because that was where my nan had been only four weeks before.

 

I remember trying to go to sleep but I couldn’t, the nurses were talking and I then heard my name as the psychiatrist had arrived to see me, we went to a room and I talked for a while, with Paul there, the two women weren’t much help as they were from a different sector, and I wasn’t covered by them, so as long as Paul would look after me, and watch me when I went home, they were happy to let me go. I didn’t not feel safe at all and I still don’t, I still feel the urge to hurt myself even more.

 

Wednesday.

 

I went to my own doctors at 830 the next morning, we waited to get an appointment and I couldn’t see my own doctor as he was full. I ended up seeing someone who couldn’t help me at all with my lack of sleep my bad thoughts and my meds.

 

Paul and I left and we went to Ormskirk hospital where I was then assessed by another really nice young woman, who then liaised withManchester.

 

I have had a few days rest and a few days to think about things,

 

My mum and Frank came up for a meal, and we talked a lot about the plans for my Nans house, about what we would like to do, and where we are going in the future.

 

I am so scared that everything will change so much this year, and my life isn’t what I want it to be at all. I am just this fat freak who can’t see what she is, and I hate myself. Hurting me is just a way I can deal with it, and punish myself for not getting better, and for not feeling how I should, and just to get out all the fucking frustration inside my head.

 

I can’t do this anymore, I can’t.

 

Please let me be alone, and sad and then I can just end this pitiful existence.

 

 

But the thing is I don’t want to die, that is just this stupid voice inside my head that doesn’t want me to think or feel anything, when at the moment I am feeling more that I ever have in my entire life.

 

Yes I am scared, and anxious, and everything….

 

But I will get there.

 

Sunday night and Sian and noel came up so I could talk to her, in the afternoon I had wanted to cancel it, and let her down, but I would only have been hiding away from everything, and I know that isn’t what I need either.

 

So we talked, she cried, I cried a little, but not enough, and Noel and Paul came back. Noel had struggled to keep up with Paul drinking and he was well gone, he is really funny when he has had a drink and I so love his Irish accent.

 

New years, eve.

 

We had a slow day I haven’t been able to do much and haven’t had any energy for it, we then went up to my brothers for a little while, and stayed for an hour, then we went to Southport to Paul’s friends John and Beata, we had some nice food, that John had prepared for us, and we sat talking and watching the tv, Sylvia fell asleep and then it was time to celebrate the new year.

 

And now it is 2008…..

 

So what does that mean, am I going to suddenly get better, I do not think so.

 

I have so much in my head right now, and the immortal ‘I have to hurt myself’

I am struggling not to, and struggling to keep myself sane.

 

I have spent most of the day cleaning our van and getting it ready for the move next week.

 

I am tired, and sad, and lower than ever.

 

I wish it was different, and I wish I could get past this horrible point in my life.

 

I know I will, I have to, I have a wonderful husband who I adore, and love so so much. And I have some wonderful friends who support me, and care for me.

 

I will beat this; I will beat it this year.

 

 

Love all of you… Dawn xxxx

 

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25/12/07

 

This is for everyone, who passes by and noticed me in the last twelve months, for those who became friends, and those who just sent nice messages…

I am taking some time out, as I am really not so good, and to be honest, I don’t want to delete the account, but update it now and then.

It’s going private and some of you I am letting go.

It’s for my own benefit, it is not your fault, you are all lovely people, and maybe we will speak again.

Take care everyone, and I wish you all the best for the new year.

Dawn x

24/12/07

 

Christmas may be a great time of year for some of us, but then there are a few who it isn’t.

For the Anorexic, it’s a time to hide and be alone, and hate themselves more than any other time. As their family want them to be there but they can’t.

For the Bulimic, it’s a time to stuff themselves all week and throw up everything, and then regret it so much in the new year.

For the over eaters, its just an excuse to eat and eat, and put weight on, ‘as everyone does’

For those who self harm it is particularly hard as scars show when you don’t want them to. When you want to feel perfect and your not.

For others who are sick with illness like cancer it’s a time they have to treasure as their time is short.

For those in hospital separated from family, it’s lonely and hard.

Never be alone; never feel alone, there is always someone out there who will listen….

Take care all of you.

Dawn xx

22/12/07

later

Once again, I managed to get myself into a mess.

I don’t know the last few days, this week have been such a drain on me.

Shirley my therapist saw me twice this week; to catch up on what happened last week with the funeral and everything, Monday and Thursday.

She is really good, I seem to really trust her and I don’t know why, it’s actually really difficult to be honest with her, but I am learning it’s ok to.

I spoke a lot about my nan on Monday, and the fact that I am hurting so much. I really do want to stop eating again, and of course self harm was a big topic to, as the thoughts were really strong, (hence last night)

Monday was ok in day care, I talked a bit with the other therapist Zoë, and then in the after noon most of us had our 6 week review (actually 8 week), with Dr Sharma and the funding council.

I was honest in everything I say, I think I am doing ok, especially with the food side, but the thoughts of self harm are sooo bad…

I am staying at day care two days a week, at the moment, and will see how I manage in the new year; I do want to go back to work. But my head is telling me, I want to go back just so I can stop eating again, and carry on with my bad behaviour patterns, basically undo everything I have accomplished in the last 8 weeks.

On Tuesday I went to ormskirk hospital and saw my psychiatrist, who was really nice, basically she agreed with Dr Sharma, that I shouldn’t rush back into work and life, as I need time to grieve and to carry on with the good behaviour, to talk about the self harm more, and try and deal with my feelings instead of hiding from them.

I went into town afterwards, and spent some of my birthday money, on a few things, Cascada’s new cd, and a unicorn book for my writings and poems.

I met Claire my Sister in law, and we shopped for a bit, and then I went back to her’s for some dinner before we went to my nieces first Christmas play, which was really good.

I enjoyed spending time with her.

Wed I just relaxed and went to Day care on Thursday.

I saw Shirley again, and I talked a lot about some of my recent friendships, and how I haven’t been dealing with them very well. How some of my friends have let me down in the last 8 weeks, and how hurt I have been over it.

I decided that I have to put myself first and some of my ‘friends’ aren’t really my friends they are just out for what they can get off me, and aren’t seeing that at this moment in time, I am in a place where I need their support, and understanding, and most importantly to see them..

Shirley is good at pushing my buttons, but in a good way, in the group session she managed to make me cry, just because she knows how to talk to me, to get me to be honest and admit how I am feeling…

I got a hug off one of my friends, which was nice, and made me realise, that sharing how I am feeling isn’t so bad, it’s a good release in a way…

Friday…

Wasn’t sure what I was going to do today, my work was having their party and Michelle and Kate had both asked me to go, but I didn’t really want to face everyone, and all their questions, but I went in the end…

I was glad that I did, even though Michelle said that some of the guys there had said I was cheeky and rude to go to the party, but none of them said anything to my face.

I think after a while talking to me and realising how it has really been for me made them understand that I really have needed to take this time out to get myself better.. Yes I am upset with Kate, for not coming to my party and not coming to see me when Paul had specifically asked her to. It was awkward to be there and I didn’t really want to talk to her, or put on pretence that everything was ok, I didn’t have to in the end, as she made it pretty clear she wasn’t that bothered, and was more interested in getting pissed and going out with Michelle. At least till she wanted me to play pool, which I wouldn’t.

Anyway most of the staff was nice and to be honest I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for the staff at the hospital and my friends here and on the net.

I have had so much support, I am glad I have so many wonderful friends.

The day sort of ended up quite badly, there was five of us wanting to go up to Leyland to another pub, and another work colleague who was so drunk could hardly stand decided he was coming to, well I can only get five in my car, and in some respect I blame my step dad for saying we would squeeze him in, he sat in the car, and I had to literally force him to get out.

He was so rude, ‘ I thought you were my friend, and you’re just like the rest of them. You would have done if for ******* Michelle’

I wouldn’t have done it for anyone, not at xmas, not even for my closest friends. The car would have been overloaded and if there was an accident the chances are we would have been seriously injured or killed.

I was really upset by this stupid man. But when we got to Leyland I was ok and calmed down.

We left at 7 and I took my drunken step dad home and then turned in ourselves, after something to eat.

I had a drink and fell asleep about 930pm, but then woke up and couldn’t get those bad thoughts out of my head.

I knew I was going to do it eventually but I didn’t think it would have been last night.

There aren’t a lot of cuts, but its the fact I have done it, I am upset that I did, and now I have to start all over again and try and build myself back up.

I don’t know if I can do it at the moment. I am really low.

I am tired, I can’t shake this sore throat, and all I want to do is really hide away, but I can’t.

Just wanted to try and put things into perspective for the build up to me self harming. Although I can’t justify it, I would never want that. I am sad and afraid now I will do it again, to make it worse, as to me it’s not bad enough to warrant all my feelings.

Keep me in your thoughts, and I wish everyone a great Christmas and new year.

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Love to my friends.

12/12/07

 

Hi everyone,

Just to let you all know how today went, it was very emotional and I cried my eyes out at the service, but it was expected,

The vicar read my poem out and everyone loved it, so I was pleased.

We all went back to the British legion in her village, and had a few drinks, as I am full of cold I had hot whisky and water, and managed to eat something, although I really didn’t want to.

Really really didn’t want to.

So it’s my birthday tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to it, I just don’t want to celebrate anything, but I know I have to start to get on with everything now,

I come first, and I have to concentrate on getting better.

Thank you to all of my friends for the birthday wishes, I will speak to you all soon.

Take care, love Dawn xx