Gutted!

After a wonderful weekend spent editing. I can to open my file today and realised in horror… I’ve been editing the wrong one 😦

I have had a much earlier file open and I’ve left it open, day in, day out.

‘cries’

I can only hope that I haven’t strayed from my goal ‘the first three chapters’ and that its easily fixed. Or, I might have to just start all over again.

I am more than gutted.

Tip to all writers. Make sure you’re in the correct file….

😦

Dawn xx

Rough day… :(

It has been a difficult day, I won’t tell any lies. This may be triggering or upsetting for some, so please don’t read if you’re feeling vulnerable (like me)

I’ll post the good stuff first. The writing stuff.

Best Friends has had over 31,000 video views 🙂 that is awesome stuff.

On my novel TSK I got my feedback from my good friend and co writer Steven. So, now I am in the process of working though what he said, and working on what I need to do for the sake of the novel. 🙂

I’m excited about this, and I am excited to be working closer with my nice animator friend too.

I will work over all my processes at the weekend. 🙂

I am happy with this side of my life at the moment, its just the rest…

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So the real stuff. The in my head stuff.

Being recovered is good, but being totally recovered. Nope, it is sometimes a constant battle with your head. Especially at this time of year.

I am talking in the general ‘food and January sense’…

Most ‘normal people’ Who can eat everything and anything they want too and don’t worry about it, won’t quite understand me here, but Christmas and January are especially tough times for those of us who have had and do suffer with eating disorders.

I say this because of all the ‘start your diet now’ adds,

Also for me in my job, it’s every single customer who comes to buy their lunch from my van. ‘What have you got that’s healthy?’ ‘I’m on a diet, where’s the fruit?’ 😦 sucks…

The TV, the radio, everything is bad at this time of year. No wonder I hate it so much.

Yikes.

I think its affected me more this last week because hubby was weighed at his last check up and he’s put on 7lb, I was dreading seeing the nurse today for mine.

In one sense I really tried to eat ‘right’ before Xmas, and I had dropped a bit and was feeling okay. But over the hols, with all those Xmas dinners, I put on 1lb.

A 1lb isn’t a lot of weight I know this, I understand it totally. It’s a pint of water. A trip to the loo, anything… I shouldn’t be upset. Yet, here I am. uggggghhhhhhh

Since I was discharged from Cheadle hospital, I have yo yo’d a lot. I’ve been heavier than this, but it isn’t the heaviest I’ve been in my life either.

Both our problem’s aren’t so much the ‘junk food’ we eat, I don’t normally eat it period. (cept xmas) paul does like some chocolate and stuff. But I am pretty careful for the most part in what I will let past my lips.

It is lack of exercise that does us. We don’t do any.

(Well apart from this week, after Paul got his ticking off.) We have walked to the village and back three times this week. It’s a 15 min walk each way.

My nurse also told me my blood pressure is up again, and she wants to see me in 4 weeks anyway, so I’ve asked her to monitor my weight, and hopefully with a little more incentive and some backing. I won’t panic thinking that the ED will come back, I will be okay in trying to do the right thing for my body.

It’s flipping scary. Because, no matter how ‘big’ I am or how ‘small’ the visual in my head just isn’t right. I don’t ever want to go back to being anorexic, because it took so much to fight it and be better. I want to be able to lose the weight, healthy and not take a turn for the worse.

But, I can’t carry on putting weight on for health reasons. In two years, I’ve gained 5kg. Not a great deal, but enough…

I’m drawing a line here. I have too. I have to do something right for me, and not because of the time of year.

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Anyway, enough moaning, will speak soon.

Dawn x x

The final week!

EEEK!!!!

Only just realized today that I only have 6 days left to meet my target. So, pushing on through that wall wasn’t good.

We had some pretty bad news yesterday, which defo hasn’t helped the mojo, but I managed to get on with it and have reached 38k today almost 4000 words. I am pretty happy.

The funeral has been dealt with, I interjected a little fun afterwards to bring my remaining characters around and now we’re just had the birth of their heir 🙂 So all is good in my writing world at present.

Now, I am back at the exciting action stuff and not so much the ‘sad’ bits, so as the excitement builds my writing fingers take over.

If I can get over the 40k tomorrow, then I know I don’t have to push myself too much through the week. I need to get this out of the way, and hope that the ‘other crap’ will be dealt with on monday. 😦

Anyway, this was just a quick one, late now and I need something to drink and some sleep. So a nice vodka and coke, some nuts and a cuddle with the cat for a while will help. The other half is playing snooker in the local club, so I’ve had a bit of peace and quiet for a change. Nice…

Thanks to all who follow me, speak soon.

Dawn x

Hitting that wall!!!

 

So, you all know that I am on a nanowrimo mission. To complete 50k in a month. Although my novel will be much higher than that. I am thinking more along the lines of 80-90k. I guess we’ll see. Being a script writer by trade, its tough to let the creative side out, so I know I will need to add in a lot more ‘descriptive stuff’ for it to be classed as a novel yet.

 

I’ve blogged this week about killing characters and funeral. Which I’ve managed to get my head around. At least for the most part.

But for the last couple of days I’ve really struggled with the word count. I’ve hit the proverbial ‘wall’ … it happens in excersise and it can happen with ‘mission impossible’ writing too.

 

So where can I go from here. Well I have to push on to be fair.

 

Although this isn’t a ‘paid’ writing gig, this is a challenge which I accepted and will complete, no matter what.

 

We’ve been discussing ‘writing though’ in one of the groups I frequent. Where one person thinks that you shouldn’t push yourself and write ‘crap’ others like myself think that discipline and writing have to work hand in hand. It isn’t about ‘pushing through and writing crap’ it is about pushing through knowing that your heart isn’t in it, but that you will and can complete on time.

 

After all, what producer or director would ever hire you if you can’t push through a little ‘pain’ and get on with the job.

 

So, this weekend might be a tough one. I am just shy of 34k, I am hoping that I can push onwards and more towards the 40k, after all we’re not long now till the end of the month and the whole nano challenge.

 

I will keep you informed, and hope that I can do this. Just need to find my mojo again. Fingers crossed for me. 🙂

 

Dawn x

A mixed week thoughts and feelings :(

So, yeah it has been a pretty mixed week.

Quite simple really, its been tough. Very tough. Work has been hard, hard to get through each day.

I hate that the nurse tells me things I already know. Blood pressure is still up. If it continues then I may have to go on tablets etc etc. My weight is a big issue with her, because I know I am a big girl. I don’t hide from it. But what would she sooner me be, eating, or not eating? No brainer really. My body is, as it is.

But there is a decision to make, between being ill in ‘one sense’ and then being ill in another.

I have had a good week ‘food wise’ stuck to what I wanted to eat and didn’t let the work side of things get to me so that I over did it. I have been quite shocked in the fact that a pair of wellies didn’t fit me over the weekend and now that they do. I don’t like drastic weight loss, it fuels the Eating Disorder behaviors that are so stuck in my head. Those behaviors which I fight so hard to ignore every single time I am confronted with food.
I wish Recovery was so simple, you get over it. But in my mind, you don’t. There is this thing that has been deep seated inside your brain for, well for me 17 years. 4 years in recovery just still doesn’t quite cut it.

The good thing is I know. I know all the tricks that ED tries. Believe me he sticks that knife in where ever and with what ever I do.

I still have the confidence and the drive to fight, and I won’t go backwards. It just really is a struggle sometimes.

I am glad that I can still say that, I am glad even though I am doing well with my writing and my personal stuff, that I don’t feel the need to change.

People will love me, or hate me.  But, I don’t lie, and I won’t. Ed did that enough for me in those 17 years.

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General life…

I’ve had some big issues with my Koi this week, and they’ve not got easier. One particularly sick fish is really struggling. But, I’ve had a good friend come out to help out today, and I’ve decided on a course of action. It still is touch and go. Costia is the worst thing I’ve ever encountered.

But it isn’t over yet. She hasn’t given up just yet, and neither will I.

Will let you know how we get on tomorrow. A sharp PP bath, and into my QT tank with my baby fish she will go.  Fingers crossed.

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Writing,

I have had a very pleasant week. Best Friends going live on you tube,  has been the light keeping me totally on track. I’ve had the nervousness, I’ve had the excitement and its been the best week of my life in that regard.

I can only hope that it continues to hit home and that people can relate to the girls situations and to the relationship they have with each other.

So keep watching, and keep us in your thoughts through this next week. On every level, I need positive vibes.

Speak soon.

D x