21/05/06

This really sucks REALLY

I am struggling so so so much there is nothing anyone can do only me,

We had to have our cat put to sleep on thursday, he was 2 years old, and adorable. He contracted an illness called FIP, which can spread from cat to cat

We had thought he was a little sick, he had had worms the week before and never seemed to get any better after worming, he was losing weight and not eating a lot, so we decided an overhaul was the best thing, we took our other cat Spooky too.

The vet examined him and said he was in a very bad way, his liver wasnt working properly and she thought he may have either had a tumor or an allergic reaction to the worming tablets.

Typsey was sent straight to their bigger practice where he was given an xray of his stomach and he had blood taken.

Two hours later we gets a phone call, its this FIP ( I went to animal school and I’d never heard of it) It infects the cat and the cat cannot fight it, basically all his internal organs were finally shutting down.  There was treatment to keep him alive for perhaps another few weeks but it wasn’t worth hurting him anymore, you could see the sadness in his eyes.

Paul was with him when he went to sleep, I couldnt be there.

On thursday my best friendSiancame up to comfort me, she bought me a lovely gift, a necklace and a bottle of wine. Both went down a treat.

I know drinking isnt the answer but it helped me get to sleep. I woke up fri morning though in such pain, I had the runs and then when I tried to have a drink I started to vomit. YUK drunk I was and I felt it.

I can normally drink much more than a bottle of wine but with not eating much all day as I was too upset I think it just went to me head.

I cannot think of a worse year in my entire life.

We went to see my nan who is in hospital on Fri night, and she is in a bad way, the doc’s dont seem to know what to do. I don’t think they can do anything.

My mum then rang me with the test results of her Xray. There is no change. How can there be no change she should be getting better from phunmonia surley its been two months. She said it could be scarring on her lungs so she has to see a specialist next week.

I just wish things would get easier you know, everything is just such a mess, I dont know where I am anymore.

Ed is calling me and I dont want to go back, but its getting so hard.

Umm I think this post is very very long. I should go,

Love ya all.

02/06/06

 

Hi

Just to say that some things are looking a bit more positive for me,

hope to get a new car at the weekend, even though we have only paid for half of it, the man who we getting it off is trusting us till we get Pauls compo claim.

 

We heard from the vet and typsey did die of FIP. so we have had to put a warning up on the caravan site.

 

Spooky is having a blood test on Mon, but I think she will be ok, she is middle aged so fingers crossed,

 

mum has to have a cat scan to see if the scaring on her lungs is scars and not something else, and my nanas problems are just the same,

 

Slowly getting there,

Keep fighting everyone,

 

Love ya all,

 

Dawn

xx

13/04/06

 

Hi everyone,

Just to let you all know, my mum was taken into hospital on monday, she started with a pain on sat in her back, and it just seemed to get worse and worse, she couldnt move. She has had 3 bad chest infections in the last two months, and this one has been diagnosed as phumonia, now turned into septacemia, I been to see her tonight and she looks just the same, my little ol’mum, but she looks week and so so tired, really drained, I feel awful, you know how it is, life gets in the way of so many things, and the people we love the most, we also sometimes neglect the most.

 

I am finding it very tough this week not to think really bad things about myself and my sad life, but I have also been fighting it so hard, I have just been given the release and something like this knocks me for six,

I came home from the hospital on tues, crying, I felt so sad, I need my mum so much, yet I didnt even know, and I guess I do now…

So many bad things went through my mind on tues, Paul was out with his mate, and I was alone with a bottle of wine, I tried to ring a friend, but there was no answer, she been away for a few days, as a holiday. so I tried another friend and no answer.

 

I did good though, I didnt give in even though there was no one to talk to, I kept my head held high and I didnt let ed in. I had about half my wine, tucked up in bed, watched some telly and went to sleep.

 

Today now its easter, I have some time off and I can spend some more time at the hospital too. Frank mums hubby is going fishing with mine tomorrow, so I got the time to myself, I will enjoy it.

 

Please even though sometimes we dont get on with our families and our mums, remember how special they are and how much we would miss them if they werent here.

 

Hope you are all okay,

Huge hugs going out to you all

Dawn

xxxx

13/03/06

 

Hi everyone

My names Dawn, I am 28 and had my ed for a long long time, am fighting hard and winning slowly.

 

I know some of you here, hope to ctch up with you all soon,

D

xx

19/04/05

I want to vent today all the things that are bothering me at the moment to scream and shout and let it all out,

 

they are very triggering, so please be careful

 

I hate the way that I always feel responsible for everything, anything goes bad then I turn on me, the little me that is inside dont get a good word all is bad.

Money is bothering me so much right now and I really dont like it at all, as I cant stand it, hate that everything revolves around money, what you can do what you can buy,

 

Love I love my hubby with all my heart and my family and friends, but want to push them all away as I cant be doing with all the are you all right, when I WANT TO SCREAM,,,, NO

 

I feel so bad and the voice knows it, and is wreaking havoc on my every thought and feeling, I cant feel anything, I am numb and its doing my head, in,

 

I cant sleep as when the room goes quiet and I am not doing something the voice starts to take over and  shouts BACK.

 

and I cant control it,

 

My hubby is going mad at my nose bleeds, and the fact he knows I been maiking them happen is doing me in too, he wants me to go to the doctor, and get it looked at but I dont want to, it would give them another reason for me to not go on holiday if I have damaged my nose,

 

things are really awful at the moment and I am hurting inside, and it scares me more than anything,

This pain wont go away, and no matter what I am doing I dont think it ever will,

 

I want to disapear, and just let everyone forget me, but they wont and I cant do that, as I love everyone, and that is hurting me too, as I want to give in and stop fighting, and just let everything win,

 

i am tired very tired, and the voice is making hurting me sounds so good, and I want to do it, but I cant,

 

and I wont,

 

this was a vent, not a cry for help but I wish someone would help me, take all this pain away, and let me move on, it hurts so so so much,

 

 

love you all,

 

Dawn

xxxx