18/08/07

Posted on FS

 

Hello everyone, been a while really, but have been having a rough time, so tend to keep away.

 

Umm where do I start, well for those of you who don’t know me, I have been struggling with my ed for nearly 15 years, and have had a lot of counselling though out this period, but at the beginning of the year seemed to hit a bad patch again, had a couple of accidents which left my esteem at rock bottom, and couldn’t shift the depression, after going back to my doctor and asking for some extra help, I was passed from pillar to post, for a while.

 

At first there were a few things that triggered the Ed back into place, a friend of mine confided in me about her abusive past and it really upset me, brought back some bad memories that I couldn’t shake.

 

I also then found it hard to be around her, and as I worked with her it was difficult, basically for a while I was doing a lot of things with her to try and help her, almost every week, and because of a few miss understood texts our friendship begun to deteriorate, which was tough for me, as she kept on hassling me for a while, things have settled down a bit, although she doesn’t fully understand what I am going through she has at least tried to be there now, which is much better.

 

I lost my nan a couple of months ago to, which put extra pressure on our whole family, it was expected but still the shock of it actually happening makes us feel and act in ways we don’t really understand. I became very angry with a lot of people around me, and couldn’t express how I was feeling so began to shut everyone out, and then Ed got hold of me good style. And I listened to everything he said…

I haven’t felt this bad for so long, and I haven’t let him get hold of me like this in a long time, it really sucks.

 

Anyways, I got an appointment through with the Eating disorder unit inManchesterlast week and attended it, I saw a lovely woman Dr Sharma who asked a million questions of which I told the truth to, no point in lying it doesn’t get you any where.

She suggested I see someone up here on a regular basis again, even if it’s just to talk through some of my feelings, and she wants me to attend day care for while inManchester. Doing so would be good for me I think at this time, but I can’t do it, it means time off work and staying inManchester, as I can’t cope with the driving or travel on trains at the moment, my concentration is really bad.

 

I went back to see my own gp on Wednesday this week and we discussed anti depressants again, as I spoke to Dr Sharma about them in detail, I said I would give them another go, and have since started to take Flouroxatine again. Hoping they will at least calm some of me down, but with taking tablets comes side effects, and my appetite which was low, now has gone even lower, plus I am clenching my jaw in the night again, (something I do out of stress) and I cant open my mouth. grrr, I do have a soft plate I can put over my teeth to help make the impact on them a bit easier so I will have to start wearing it again.

 

Anyway seeing as Sarah has already said something I do have some positive things going on in my life.

 

I took part last year in a programme run by a company called First Take in Liverpool, which involved writing and making a short film, ‘Mother knows best’ written by my close friend Sian Dawson, and I have been asked to take part in another project in October this year. I have also sent off some of my work to an agency in New York, of which they are wanting to represent me, now here it gets a bit sceptical, as they are asking for an independent written critique to be done, of which will cost me about £60, I am not one for fussing over money, but I have been caught out when I was much younger by what they call vanity publishers, who praise your work and then hit you with a big bill. So am unsure as to what to do.

Realistically its not much more than some publishing companies asking for a reading fee, or asking for a critique to be done in the first place, so I am willing to have one done anyways, they are wanting me to sign a contact for 12 mths and am also willing for that, after all they would make so much more money in actually selling work than charging £60. They receive 10% of what you get.

 

So am a little unsure and nervous of a few things at the moment, and my eating is defiantly getting worse, I don’t want to succumb to it, but feel at this point I don’t have much fight in me….

 

I hope everyone is doing ok, and am sorry I have been away for so long, take care all you are never forgotten…

 

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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21/02/07

 

Hello everyone

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post.

So could life be getting any easier, I think not. Wow, have I been in for a shite ride.

First after hurting my leg, I had an amzing two weeks off, chilled out and did some great writing, managed to write my first feature length film, yey. And I loved every minute of it. I fell in love with the characters and the world I had created, and when I had finished the script, I felt like I had lost my best friend.
Its weird I know, but it actually hurt.

Anyways, I have since learned that our caravan has to be moved and that means the whole of our beautiful garden has to come up. We arent sure what plot of land we will end up with, who our neighbours will be and more importantly how much compensation we will get.

The next knock down, is the company I work for made an announcment this morning, that they have sold us out, to someone else, I am gutted, I thought it was quiet but it always is in jan and feb, but they seemed to think that was the best option for them…. What the hell is going on in my life, I just dont know what to think or where to turn toooooo…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I feel so useless, yes they said our jobs are safe but who can say that?

I just dont know what to think, today is the first time I have made myself sick in a while, and i feel completely worthless. ed always finds the worst situations to try and win you back and so I did. I turned back like the stupid woman I am, and now I feel so much worse, I also restricted badly today and then it made me worse as when I did eat, I just didnt want it inside me.

Why is it that I feel so crap. Because life has just been soooo shit, I dont know what i did in a past life but it really must have been bad. What could I have possibly done?

I know I am rambling on, but I am still in pain with my hand and my ankle is swollen still too, everything has gone wrong, what next will it be.

Sorry for such a negative post here, I just cant say anything else.

Love to ya all

Dawn

01/10/06

A message to a friend who sent me a link to a pro Anorexic site which I found very disturbing.

 

Hi,

I know you meant well by sending me that link today but I want you to understand the sort of damage you can do with sites like this,

 

You see I then spent all afternoon looking round it, yeah I know its triggering but the ed and curiosity sort of takes over and i think you should know that, its not good to look at these things what ever state of recovery you may think you are in.

 

I ate my tea tonight and then purged with the intention of hurting myself as much as possible as I felt so bad about it, I havent been doing great and those images and stuff just sent me over the edge.

 

Please be careful with who and when you share things like this,

I am not sure you are in the right place to watch them either, I think it will just make you feel worse.

Yes we all know ed’s are dangerous and people die, I have lost two good friends to ed, and that was the most awful time of my life, as i then severed my contace with the net. it was well before I met you.

 

I just feel you should know these things, and please know I didnot want to upset you too much, but I had to talk about the sort of real bad day i have had.

 

I hope tomorrow I will be able to put it behind me and keep on fighting I just wish I had been strong enough to not go visit the place you sent me.,

 

Love you hun remember that

 

18/09/06

 

Hey everyone

Maybe I should put this somewhere else, but i dont know, I am just trying to find the right words to actually say how I am feeling right now.

 

Last night I actually cried myself to sleep, and I know that is a real bad sign, ed was actually getting to me big time, the things that had happened during the week, and the feelings I was getting through the weekend were begining to be too much.

 

I dont think I have cried for a long time, but it wasnt just ed, if you know what I mean, it was everything, I have had a few bad things happen and i think they are catching me up, I know I try to ignor everything and sometimes everyone, and I try and stay positive, but at the moment I cant deal with things and its wearing me down.

 

My nan is very sick and while out with my dad last week I realised that I havent been to see her in the house since she got home, as I cant see her, she is very ill and I dont think I want to remember her in such a bad way, It was pretty bad in the hospital and I didnt deal with that well, and I think I am maybe being really selfish for that , as I know she would love to see me, even though she may not remember everything.

 

At work we have had to lay off three of my friends as there is no work anmore, and they are thinking of letting go of two others. That means I will be left with the friend who was part responsible for the lead up to the abuse last year. I told the manager last week that if he thinks he can leave me in the back room with this girl on my own then he has another thing coming, she is responsible in a way for some of the sh last year, and this year because of her behaviour, and no matter what i say to her things will never change. She comes to work in a bad mood, and makes me feel so miserable, i know I couldnt cope with her on my own and so I am praying that they will keep my two last remaining polish friends on. I know we need them in work its just a matter of making managment see it.

 

No one asked us today if we wanted overtime tomorrow at 6 so i told the girls it was 745 start I know that maybe we should be in at 6 but I aint a mind reader, and I want a lie in anyways. So if we get behind they can blame me tomorrow.

 

I guess I just wished things were simpler, and that people wouldnt say things that they didnt really mean, and I know they do..

I am glad I had somewhere to turn to tonight and somewhere to talk.

 

Thanks,

Dawn

xx

03/09/06

 

Hey

I just want you all to know whats been going on with me,

I am still fighting ed, and am still in recovery, although it is hard, I have been working sooo hard to try and pay the money for the car, it has put a big strain on myself, but I am doing okay, i have a few issues which I am struggling with, but am doing as good as possible,

I want eveyone to know, know matter what even if ed may be there, we can all beat him, together, we can beat anything.

Pull together, all of us, and we can over come everything.

Loads of hugs and love,

Dawn

xxx