Marking an era ; Semi Colon Tattoo and script from TSK’s Lacria ‘New Beginnings’

I’ve had some new tattoo’s on my mind for a while. I’ve asked some local shops back home for details, but not persued them because of having no time for anything. Well here in Cullompton, Devon I’ve had lots of time. We’re on holiday at Forest Glade Holiday park again. And here for a week.

I didn’t even know there was a tattoo shop here, till we walked past in on Monday ๐Ÿ™‚ what a nice surprise it was. So I found them on facebook and sent a message to see about calling in. Which I did yesterday and their facebook link is –

https://www.facebook.com/SmokinJoesTattooAndPiercingStudio?fref=ts

I’d seen several pictures of the kind of thing I wanted to symbolise my past and where I’ve come from. The Semi-Colon Tattoo trend started in around 2013 and I learned of it around then. However, my suicide attempt was way back in 2001. A time where I was a very different person. No confidence, no strength. But I did find some strength. Admitting myself into the hospital was the best thing I ever did. And although no one at that time could really address the things going on inside my mind. It began a 6 year journey to become the person I am today.

Without attempting suicide that day, without the self harm when I was sexually abused at work in 2004 and without sticking my neck out and demanding I see someone properly for my continual eating disorder. I am sure I would not be here today. The depression and the battle against myself would have ended and not in a good way.

I am very happy with both my Tattoo’s today – I survived, and I’m free as the birds depicted here. ๐Ÿ™‚

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And for the other arm –

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http://www.thesecretking.com

Designed by the very talented Trent Pehrson for TSK’s language -Lacria- and scripted by our Art Director – Bam Laurel ๐Ÿ™‚ and translates as ‘new beginnings’

Team TSK is awesome. I adore everyone who has been here for me over the years…

Today marks that ‘new beginning’ today we reach for the stars!

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Life changing experience – New Me!

Hey everyone.

(This post will contain weights and numbers and could be triggering for some, please do not read if suffering)

I wanted to write this post because its been a long road, but a good one. It is going to cover some of what I’ve been through over the last few months in changing my weight and turning my depression on it’s head. It started 13 weeks ago and is entering it’s second phase and I really wanted to share how positive an experience it’s been.

I want to include a couple of pictures here, to show the differences in 18mths in myself and how my body has changes in the last 13 weeks too.

2015-08-15 09.24.26

This was where I started off in 2014. with my journey at The Wellness Centre in Burscough. But after all the good I did, I hurt my back and started off with 2015 as one of the worst years in our lives, I hadn’t realised how much I was comfort eating at work. (I drive a food delivery truck and the weight piled on, till I hit rock bottom and breaking point at 17 stone 2lbs.

2015-08-15 09.24.58

The bottom line is where I am at now.

I wasn’t one for pictures. But these were some taken last year, and early this year.

Old meย  ย  ย ย old me 2

This was part way through my journey with Lipotrim.

Middle meย  ย ย middle me 2

And this is me now ๐Ÿ™‚

2015-08-12 15.52.23ย  ย  ย And me now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Dawn Chapman

What I really wanted to discuss, was the change in my attitude though. After suffering with eating disorders for most of my life, I went into this knowing all the risks, all the ways it could go wrong, and all the ways it could go right. I decided that this was for me and that this was a decision I could make as an adult.

So I did it, I went for it, I struggled, I battled through the weekly regime and I have reached my set goal weight.

When I was attending Cheadle Royal Eating Disorders Unit, My weight went from 88kg and dropped to 71kg, this was after losing both my grandparents, and virtually not eating anything but yoghurt for 5 mths. I was in a bad place, but the Unit and the staff there helped me see why I did things and why I used food as a crutch, when food was no longer an issue in 2007 I turned to alcohol and Self Harm, it was a very bad year for me, but Cheadle Royal got me through it and in 2010 I was discharged from them at 83kg.

I have gone from 109kg to just under 83kg, and this is a good weight for me. I am happy, but this journey doesn’t stop here, because I need to carry on and be healthy. After going Total Food Replacement, I am now re-introducing foods again. I admit I was a little apprehensive of doing this. But, I was also armed with the re-feeding I did at Cheadle Royal.

This last week, I’ve been introducing healthy foods. Yey! and because this week has been such a milestone in my life. Reaching my target weight, and receiving the proof copy of my first novel, we went out to celebrate last night and I also had my first Vodka and Coke in 13 weeks.

With the help of The Wellness Centre now I have different goals. I do still want to reduce my body fat down some because I want to build my muscle back up again. My metabolic rate is the lowest I’ve seen it in a long time, and this also needs to pick up.

So, healthy eating and good foods. (It really tastes amazing now) and exercise.

For a treat, I booked a photo shoot for the 12th September. I’ve never done this before. Never wanted to document my life in such a way. Camera’s scare me! but I would like some professional pictures for my books and websites, and to do it because I know I can.

Eating Disorders and Mental Illness suck, but with things we learn over the years, we can pool ourselves together and turn a horrible year into the best year.

Keep positive when you have doubts, keep active when you want to hide. But more than anything, never give up.

Hugs.

Dawn

Exciting news, and moving onwards!

Hello there!ย 

There always seems to be so much going on at the moment, I barely get chance to sit and think about my blog besides even write anything for it. But, I promised myself ย and my followers I would today.

It’s really not been the best year, and some things aren’t and maybe won’t get better for a while and defo are life changing.

Death has been the biggest hit on us emotionally and physically this year. With losing so many good people and family in quick succession it was hard to take in. It seems that side of things might not be over with just yet either, my mums last relative, and my grandad’s sister is really not well. Problem is, unlike my Aunt and Uncle who were together is she’s living in Whales and it’s a long way to go when something goes wrong. It put a kibosh on some of our plans for yesterday. But, I coped on my own.

The next biggest decision for us, is to take on the house and have our first mortgage. It’s so complicated, we’ve so much going for us, and against us. I met with a cracking chap yesterday who told me everything in plain terms and I was able to understand it and think we have a chance… finally. Which will ease a huge weight off my mum and my shoulders. We want to stay in this house, we don’t want to sell up and move and have to start all over again. Even though it might be nice. I like it here and I like my job, and my customers. ๐Ÿ™‚ So fingers crossed for us all. We really need this.

On the TSK front.ย 

Well I couldn’t be happier with things there. We’re closer than ever to the launch, even though it’s been a painstaking job to get us here, it’s been worth it.

And…. as a working partnership. My animator friend and co -writer decided to make our partnership more permanent, and we launched, TSK Productions limited ๐Ÿ™‚ our aim is to use TSK as a launching platform to do other things. So we may start small, but we’ve a lot to do and have big dreams!

Diet wise, please don’t read if triggered easily.ย 

I’m doing great. I feel better than I have in a long, long time. I’m back in all my old clothes from after I left Cheadle Royal and I’m nearly back to the same weight. I’ve about 4 weeks to go on this regime.

Of course I’m a little nervous. I’ve never done anything like this for a long long time. I’ve tried to manage my weight issues with a normal diet. But it was this or I fear I would have just stopped eating anyway or turn into a drunk. I know this is the slightly lesser of two evils. But it’s probably still an evil. My brain isn’t happy with me even still. I see the results, and I know where I’m going to be in the next 4 weeks, but I’m scared. Re-feeding will have to be nice and slow, just like I did at Cheadle, I know my limits, I know my bodies limits and my minds. So, I’m going to take it easy. I know I can do this myself. I am an adult who knows what she wants and why, and is capable of not letting this go stupid. (ED in my head, shut the fudge up)

So, I’m happy feeling as I am. People can see it, just not me. I will in the end. ๐Ÿ™‚

The story behind…

Kanundra,

I’ve been thinking a little about this because I’ve recently been asked a couple of times. Where the name came from and why I picked it.

Over my Internet years. I’ve had a few names.

savin-me
Frozenblackbandit
Mehurtin

in 2007 I decided to get rid of the ‘hurting’ names and pick something that would reflect who I was. At the time, I was attending Cheadle Royal ED unit three times a week and living with my nan for most of that time.

Sunday night, attending on a monday, home Monday. Returning Tue night to attend wednesday, home wed, returning thursday to attend friday and home for the weekend. (hubby did stay at nans with me)

But it was in being with my nan where Kanundra came from.

We used to watch Countdown together a UK tv game show.

And at the end of it there is a connundrum. Which I then turned into Kanundra.

I have since learned that it is actually a real name.

This was taken from a website a social website for logo design, it sort of sums me up nicely. How strange.

This little info about the name of the business might help some designers:

Kanundra sounds like conundrum, which means a difficult problem. The purpose of Kanundra is to fix difficult problems. Facebook had a similar concept, they provided a solution where people can socialize and communicate. Kanundra is going towards that motivation.

I guess I went from ‘hurting’ to actually ‘fixing’ my problem.

Life is full of little surprises isn’t it?

Where did your name or nic come from?

Dawn x x

Rough day… :(

It has been a difficult day, I won’t tell any lies. This may be triggering or upsetting for some, so please don’t read if you’re feeling vulnerable (like me)

I’ll post the good stuff first. The writing stuff.

Best Friends has had over 31,000 video views ๐Ÿ™‚ that is awesome stuff.

On my novel TSK I got my feedback from my good friend and co writer Steven. So, now I am in the process of working though what he said, and working on what I need to do for the sake of the novel. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m excited about this, and I am excited to be working closer with my nice animator friend too.

I will work over all my processes at the weekend. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy with this side of my life at the moment, its just the rest…

——————————–

So the real stuff. The in my head stuff.

Being recovered is good, but being totally recovered. Nope, it is sometimes a constant battle with your head. Especially at this time of year.

I am talking in the general ‘food and January sense’…

Most ‘normal people’ Who can eat everything and anything they want too and don’t worry about it, won’t quite understand me here, but Christmas and January are especially tough times for those of us who have had and do suffer with eating disorders.

I say this because of all the ‘start your diet now’ adds,

Also for me in my job, it’s every single customer who comes to buy their lunch from my van. ‘What have you got that’s healthy?’ ‘I’m on a diet, where’s the fruit?’ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ sucks…

The TV, the radio, everything is bad at this time of year. No wonder I hate it so much.

Yikes.

I think its affected me more this last week because hubby was weighed at his last check up and he’s put on 7lb, I was dreading seeing the nurse today for mine.

In one sense I really tried to eat ‘right’ before Xmas, and I had dropped a bit and was feeling okay. But over the hols, with all those Xmas dinners, I put on 1lb.

A 1lb isn’t a lot of weight I know this, I understand it totally. It’s a pint of water. A trip to the loo, anything… I shouldn’t be upset. Yet, here I am. uggggghhhhhhh

Since I was discharged from Cheadle hospital, I have yo yo’d a lot. I’ve been heavier than this, but it isn’t the heaviest I’ve been in my life either.

Both our problem’s aren’t so much the ‘junk food’ we eat, I don’t normally eat it period. (cept xmas) paul does like some chocolate and stuff. But I am pretty careful for the most part in what I will let past my lips.

It is lack of exercise that does us. We don’t do any.

(Well apart from this week, after Paul got his ticking off.) We have walked to the village and back three times this week. It’s a 15 min walk each way.

My nurse also told me my blood pressure is up again, and she wants to see me in 4 weeks anyway, so I’ve asked her to monitor my weight, and hopefully with a little more incentive and some backing. I won’t panic thinking that the ED will come back, I will be okay in trying to do the right thing for my body.

It’s flipping scary. Because, no matter how ‘big’ I am or how ‘small’ the visual in my head just isn’t right. I don’t ever want to go back to being anorexic, because it took so much to fight it and be better. I want to be able to lose the weight, healthy and not take a turn for the worse.

But, I can’t carry on putting weight on for health reasons. In two years, I’ve gained 5kg. Not a great deal, but enough…

I’m drawing a line here. I have too. I have to do something right for me, and not because of the time of year.

———————————-

Anyway, enough moaning, will speak soon.

Dawn x x